Yes yes but would MLK have been a Belieber?

3 Moronic Marketing Stunts People Are Pulling on Twitter

Whether you’re plugging your stupid blog or your case for invading Syria, Twitter has become the go-to vehicle for self-promotion. Unfortunately, a lot of the people doing the promoting are clueless about their readership, good taste, and self-awareness, thereby creating a triple threat of social media dumbness.

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Free Perks / Products / Fun!

I’ve been asked quite a lot lately about how I get so many products and perks for free so I thought I’d make a list of my favorite places to do that.  The whole “free things!” world on the internet can get really overwhelming and hard to sort through.  I’ve tried out quite a few, but these are the best in my opinion.

Here are the sites I use:

BzzAgent is a great site that site to use if you’re interested in discovering new products in exchange for reviews. 

Bzz Agent is a word-of-mouth marketing site.  They launch what they call “Bzz Campaigns” that feature certain products.  If you are selected, you receive the product in the mail (or online, depending on what it is).  Then you let them know who you told about the product, what they thought, etc.  The more you interact, the better your “Bzz Score”, and the more campaigns you get to sign up for.  I’ve got a lot of products through this site, so if you’re just starting out, I recommend starting here.

PinchMe is a sample site that will send you a box of samples you select.

They used to have new samples available every Tuesday, but it seems like they’ve lately only had them about once a month.  If you sign up on their site, they’ll send you a reminder email about when samples will be available to choose.  You definitely want to show up on time for this one as they seem to go fast.  

Influenster is a site that sends out boxes full of free goodies pretty frequently.

I have personally only received two boxes from them now, but I have not been as active on this site as others.  They have themes for every box (weddings, sports, etc) and if you fit the demographic they are looking for, they will send the box out to you for free.  I just got one in the mail last week and it was full of full-sized products that I am definitely going to use (nail polish, face cream, shaving cream, etc).  Once you have a box, you have activities to complete and just like with other sites - the more you do, the more you get.

Klout is a site that measures your social media influence and offers you “perks” for that influence.

On this site, you connect your facebook, twitter, instagram, etc and they measure how much of a response you get to your posts.  The more influence you seem to have, the more likely they are to offer you “perks” to try out.  So far I’ve received a few McDonald’s gift cards, and some online perks like digital magazine subscriptions.  I’ve missed out on a few offered to me because I didn’t respond to the invite quick enough and they all got taken.  So if you join Klout, make sure to keep an eye on those emails!

HouseParty is the site with the largest free items, in exchange for throwing a party and telling your friends about the product.

For example, around December I got a SodaStream unit (to keep!), flavor samples, and party supplies including a drink shaker and cups.  Soon, my party kit for the Redd’s Apple Ale party should be on it’s way which will have a gift card to purchase the alcohol and party supplies.  It’s a pretty great system.  It does take some time and effort to get selected for parties, but it’s totally worth it to get such great products for free.

There you have it!  Those are the best sites I’ve found so far for free products to discover.

Are there any great ones that I missed?

So it looks like you can deactivate and delete your Klout Account and tell them not to bother you ever again and then a year or so later your Klout Score will go up and they’ll start sending you emails.

Time to file a restraining order, I guess.

UPDATE: The email I just sent

I opted out of Klout over a year ago, and here I have an email from you. I’ll put this as plainly as I can.

You’re not my girlfriend. You never WERE my girlfriend. I don’t want to date you. 

When we talked that one time, I was being nice. You seemed okay-harmless. I realize that was a mistake.

You’re creepy, spying on people. Sending them things that say “You don’t know me, but I know you’re really into Batman, so why not take these tickets for the premiere? Also, that’s a nice shirt.”

Please, please leave me alone. There are plenty of other lonely people who might want a person who need a relationship like that, but not me. Honest.

Regarding that Klout Knife Fight Perk
  • Me:[I just received a ridiculous Klout perk to watch Knife Fight, which is apparently an "underground cooking competition".]
  • Shawn Morrison:Would be perfect if it was actually a show about knife fights. (Perfect for you.)
  • Dan Wineman:Better yet, a show about pro chefs knife fighting. Like a cooking contest where you can either make the best souffle or you can stab the other guy.
  • Shawn Morrison:Gordon Ramsey vs The Barefoot Contessa. To the death.
  • Dan Wineman:Exactly.
  • Dan Wineman:"Let's see if Alton Brown can whisk up a perfect hollandaise... while fending off Guy Fieri's Blades of Crispy Guy-talian Death."
  • Me:"You're watching Food Network: Today's best and brightest chefs, all murdered in knife fights so it's hard to tell what we'll be doing in 6 months."
  • Dan Wineman:But what a glorious 6 months it would be.
  • Me:Indeed.
  • Me:I can't stop picturing Rachel Ray, whimpering and covered in blood and flesh, standing over Paula Deen's enormous corpse, holding her severed head.
  • Me:Then again, that was the case before this conversation.
  • Shawn Morrison:Rachel Ray would totally be the last one standing. Still just smiling like an idiot.

I joined Klout out of curiosity back when it was a new thing that everybody else was using, and I never understood how it’s math worked, so I never check it, ever. Also, I don’t even care enough about it to cancel my account. I get semi-regular emails that read, “Your Klout score went up!”, which I suppose I’m supposed to be excited about, but I have no idea what that means.


I guess?


Does anybody out there actually care about their “Klout score”?



(This exercise consisted of short, unrevised poems based on CA Conrad’s The Book of Frank)


Twitter feed at 1am:

don’t fuck with my emotions

exclusive friends bro!!!

weed helps a lot

easy there,
let’s not get my klout score in a bunch



falseback 1996
red zigzags were the proto-Autocorrect

baby’s first Word document
coincides with first failed Art Project

she couldn’t colour within the lines



The other girls on the bus
and their Tamagotchis
and Gameboy Colors

never learned to share.

k, she thinks to herself.
Have fun

and I will too
with my water gun!

Little did they know,
their pixels aren’t



At 11pm her parents reveal new stereo system
“can I borrow the microphone” she says,

screams into microphone
high-pitched pop hits
so her parents take it away.

She writes them a note. H A T E Y O U

Parents are all, fuck off, aren’t u like 6?



She picks out a username: cool_girl_1
but the name has been taken

and a window pops up

“The fuck are you looking at?” her father asks,
snatches the Dell

from her curious fingers 

but the abnormal shutdown
is not her fault



I Don’t Care About Jessie Ware
I Don’t Care About Your Clickhole

I just wish that four years ago
he didn’t block me on MSN Messenger

(but maybe ILovePhil2004
was a poor choice

looking back)



did u ever join a forum online
nd tell them u were born in 1960

even tho u were 8

just so u could join
just so u could be “part of something”

that didn’t involve playing tag
with the neighbour’s kids?

Later on she pretends it was her choice
and that she didn’t attain PARIAH STATUS
after getting mad at one of the girls

and hitting her leg with a pipe
because she was “cheating”



she came up with the name
not because of the pop-ups
of potential trojan viruses

But she was a girl
and she liked the way
that the digits tried
to intertwine
but never touched

& like a sideways pisces
she was always a little “off”

and yet again
“coolgirl” had been taken

but at least she knew better
than to have her password as “password.”



Then again,
maybe she knew

even then

that deep


than she

let on.



2003: the year of her first PC
her first page of login codes
and the year she discovered Kazaa,

her treasure trove of new mp3s

so long as no one uses the landline
and fucks up the dial-up connection. 

She’s in fifth grade
and already broke,
on prepaid cards
that run at 38 kb/s.



The punchline is maximalism.

She clears her throat,
redefining her defaults,
realigining camo bucket hats
next to lemon-lime

A window floats
across the room.
Her first kiss? a camera lens.

But webcams lie, too.



“What’s your number?” asks a young man
with the body of a boy
and the mind
of a child.

“A dirty joke.” She adjusts her dress pockets
she’d carved from a pair
of cargo shorts.



The problem is always
the same:

Not enough seeds.
Too many leeches.






Constantly surrounded by a crowd,
her mind resides in a cloud. 

“what is the cloud?” the boy asks,
tucks his face under a bucket hat.

“I don’t know.” She passes in silence
a mild fart
and wipes the dust 
off her glasses

instead of a backslash
to end the conversation.



before “abreves”
before LifeHacks
before Buzzfeed

I should have listened to Clippit
instead of always ticking him off —
“Don’t show me
this tip again.”



Her sadness is a social media construct
a vogue aesthetic

conflated with an underlying something
no differential diagnosis

can resolve.

Give her the next new trend
beyond seapunk and difference clouds
(or burgers on shirts);

the scene is her disease



A Snapchat love story 

Love is
an American boy 
in a Spanish motel.

At 7pm
his hazel eyes say hello —
he holds a bottle of wine —
his cock is 7 inches long.



At thirteen she chose asphyxia
as her chosen cause of death.

Nine years later
140-character tweets
and 6-second vines

are her preferred
causes of life.



everything is a sample.
everything is a parasite.

her wi-fi access is another person’s dropped connection.
her latest download is another’s virus.

the live stream is 




I will never

Somewhere, a dolphin sheds
a fountain of purple tears.

I will remain
In unicode archives

and encrypted caches
that will continue to flicker
     and shift

after the EKG has skipped
from half-time
to no-time.

A strawberry is not a berry
but a banana is.