keep-this-bag-away-from-children

Types of Lies by Andrew James Weatherhead

I’m an extraordinarily slow reader.

I’ve never had stitches or broken a bone.

I don’t like cats but I also haven’t spent much time around any.

 

The car I’ve driven the most is a minivan.

I’ve said no to drugs on many occasions.

During my first poetry workshop the teacher said to me: “I don’t think you’re supposed to be talking now.”

One word that terrifies me is “fuselage.”

I don’t know if I’ve been to the Grand Canyon or not.

It took me four and a half years to graduate college.

As a kid I tried to set the record for longest time spent in pajamas but the stopwatch ran out after six hours.

In middle school I tried to impress a girl by saying “I’m bleeding.”

I once delivered a pizza to Scott Turow, the novelist.

I watched The Crow the other night but I don’t know why.

It’s raining as I’m writing this.

 

My interest in sex is almost purely aesthetic.

I’ve never landed a kickflip but I’ve told people I have.

Since 2006, I’ve received over 10,000 emails.  I’m sure others have received more.

The biggest difference between Alien and Aliens, as far as I can tell, is the number of aliens.

I’ve never been diagnosed with a sleeping disorder but I’ve often had trouble sleeping.

I find some women so beautiful it’s hard to look at them.

I like Henry Rollins but I wish he’d drop the histrionics.

 

When I was 7, a person pulled down my swimsuit at the beach as a joke.

I still have to close my eyes during parts of The Shining.

I’m 5’9” but my driver’s license says I’m 5’11”.

I weigh 152 lbs.

I’ve gone days without speaking to anybody.

Things I’ve stolen include a toy shark, two notebooks, and a digital camera, which I returned.

I can’t wink and I don’t like to whisper.

I like baseball but I don’t like it that much.

I woke up to 12 emails this morning.  I’m sure others have woken up to more.

 

I used to have this nightmare in which sound waves were visible.

Sometimes I wish I could shoot fire out of my penis.

Prompted by a segment on NPR, I realized I’d die for my integrity but I’m still not sure what it is I’m living for.

My shoes cost $35 but they’re worth way more than that.

I think the Black Flag recording of “Louie, Louie” is one of the most embarrassing songs by a band I otherwise like.

I’m not really sure what The Christian Science Monitor is.

I’ve only been in one fight, which I lost.

EVERY NIGHT I CALL THE COPS ON MYSELF

because every night i scream at myself.

i smash various fragile objects in my apartment.

i pick up a vase. how did this vase even get here i don’t know but i’m going to smash it.

then i scream bloody murder at myself some more.

i open up all the windows so other people in my quiet neighborhood can hear me scream

bloody murder.

when nobody calls the cops on me i call the cops on myself.

when the cops finally show up and ask dude what’s wrong? i say

arrest me! i’m a friggin’ lunatic!

and they say

what have you even done to yourself man?

i shrug and wipe the drool from my chin and yell i don’t know! but i am extremely disturbed!

this is a domestic disturbance you guys! i am disturbing myself domestically!

every night the two cops look at each other and then look back at me.

they say calm
the heck down bro

and then they get in their car and drive away.

every night this frustrates me a lot and then i remember that calling the cops for “no reason”

is definitely a crime

so i call the cops on myself for calling the cops on myself for “no reason.”

every night the same two cops return to my apartment and i whisper

will you guys please just put me in jail already.

every night the two cops look at each other and then they look back at me.

they say we are like

so tired of this.

just take a deep breath.

do you think there is any common ground between you and yourself?
i say totes and point to my chest

they ask what are you like in love or somethin’?

and i say

it’s terrible!
_

John Mortara
http://keepthisbagawayfromchildren.com/?p=2641

2

KEEP THIS BAG AWAY FROM CHILDREN ARE HAVING A READING ON FRIDAY AT THE SAME PLACE WHERE WE ARE HAVING A READING ON SATURDAY. MY FIRST IMPULSE WAS TO ENGAGE IN TURF WARFARE, DESTROY THEIR BRAND & WIPE THEM OFF THE FACE OF THE INTERNET, BUT THEN I REMEMBERED THAT OLD SAYING: KEEP YOUR FRIENDS CLOSE AND YOUR ENEMIES CLOSER… SO I AM PROMOTING THEIR READING, CASUALLY, IN A TUMBLR POST. (HERE IS AN EARLY VERSION OF THE POSTER FOR OUR READING. THE ADDRESS IS WRONG ON IT. A LIL INSIDE TRIVIA INFORMATION FOR YOU). 

anyway, yeah, the ktbafc reading looks sweet as hell. hilary gardiner & mike bushnell, in particular, are well-known for being sensations. see you this weekend, my pretties. 

Wow! Look at that high quality photo!


That is me holding up a copy of a new fiction & art chapbook that is out now. It is called EVERYDAY MR. KENT. It has words by me and illustrations/art/[hey sensitive artist please insert the correct term] by Niki Schur-Narula.

Buy it in the Keep Away store

if i really wanted to feel happy i'd feel happy already
  • if i really wanted to feel happy i'd feel happy already
  • jordan castro
  • if i really wanted to feel happy i'd feel happy already
Play

i recorded myself repeatedly saying 'if i really wanted to feel happy i'd feel happy already' for keep this bag away from children's mixtape 'ho hum vol. 1'

CLICK HERE to purchase/download the track
CLICK HERE to listen to/purchase/download the rest of the mixtape

2

This week:

  • Our monthly series DISH is back with Industry City Distillery, Egg restaurant, Robin Shulman (author of Eat the City) and more.
  • And Thursday we celebrate issue 3 of the literary magazine Keep This Bag Away from Children. It has a dinosaur in a dress on the front, it’s guaranteed to be great.
  • Friday is Happy Day Happy Hour! Celebrate summer Fridays while you still can by drinking beer and wine in a bookstore, like a boss.
nocturne

I had a dream that I wanted to photograph him

falling asleep from the inside.

that’s terrible, he said. gross!

no no, but it was beautiful. the smooth insides of his throat,

and all organs

ceasing their humming, closing up softly.

said he, you dream about my dying?

it wasn’t like that.

then I dreamed- I was famous here-

I was talking to a reporter who asked me

how beautiful I found him.

I said,

him falling asleep is like

dropping colored ink into a pool

of water

and watching it disperse.

_
Claire Phelan

http://keepthisbagawayfromchildren.com/?p=3645

A List of Games I Used to Play With My Parents

1. Two-headed girl. My dad would ask me if I wanted to play two-headed girl. I’d yell no and mean it. He’d put his head on my shoulder and press down hard. Two-headed girl.

2. At Christmastime, my parents would give me Post-its and tell me I could write questions to Santa and put them on my stocking and then he would answer the questions while he was eating his milk and cookies. One year I got smart and asked my parents to write down the temperature of the North Pole on a piece of paper when it was still autumn. I folded the piece of paper and hid it beneath my socks. When it came time for me to ask Santa my questions, I wrote down: “What is your favorite food? What are you giving Mrs. Claus for Christmas? What temperature is it on the North Pole?”

On Christmas day, I ignored the first two Post-it notes. I ripped the third one off my stocking and took it to my room to compare it with the handwriting samples. Just as I thought. Both of the answers exactly the same, both in my father’s handwriting: 0 degrees F.

3. I knew what ‘evaporated’ meant before I learned to read. I would hide under the covers, waiting for my parents to come kiss me goodnight. My dad would walk in and said, “Oh no. Where’s Julie? She must have evaporated.”

Keep reading

Happy Holidays from our ISSUE 3 Elves! (Noah Cicero, Mike Bushnell, Elaine Sun, Timothy Willis Sanders, & DJ Berndt)

Keep Away is having a HUGE HOLIDAY SALE, stuff is 1/2 OFF, it’s pretty magical.

If you buy the Piles of Poetry option, it is now $15 (with the Piles of Poetry, you get both in-stock print issues, a spoken word mix tape, a chapbook, and a t-shirt! It’s hard to even find a t-shirt for $15 anywhere, and that’s just like, the bonus item in that package of sweet stuff- wow wow wow omg)

If you buy either print issueyou get the other one free ($8) (that means you’re getting each issue for $4- crayyyyy- and they include work that you can’t get anywhere else by some great authors, including: Noah Cicero, Melissa Broder, Erik Stinson, Michael Seidlinger, Chelsea Martin, Elaine Sun, Ken Baumann, Elizabeth Ellen, King Stimie, Yasmin Belkhyr, Chris Killen, Timothy Willis Sanders, Maia Ibar, Andrew James Weatherhead, Fernando Garcia, David Fishkind, and more)

If you order now, you’ll get em some time shortly after Christmas. Right when you think you’ve already opened all of your presents and the fun is over, the fun will arrive in your mailbox and you’ll be happy for a little bit again.

Go to the Keep Away site to check out the HOLIDAY SALE