bear with me here, this is going to be a long, emotional post involving me crying at 5 am, but i hope you can still read this.
at 15:56 today i was super ecstatic because hey, finally i get a job interview!!! out of all the places i’ve applied to, finally i get a chance to talk to them — because the outcome of an interview with me has always been great as i know i’m good at talking with people so i’ve been really happy and slightly nervous
just now i realize, at 16:52, merely an hour later, i got a text message saying the interview is cancelled as they’ve already hired someone. i just. can’t get a job in this fucking city. i can’t complete school because i’m fucking awful and picked something i’m too fucking stupid to keep up with and i’ve been feeling depressed for weeks of time because i’m so fucking incompetent. i’ve flipped my sleeping schedule upside down but tbh i can’t bear being awake right now because nothing is going right, so i just end up sleeping the days away, or playing video games. i can’t even draw or work on cosplay at this point, i barely have motivation to move. i haven’t done my laundry in like three weeks by now and i can barely take care of myself.
it’s not like i don’t want a job. i told my parents that i dropped out of school, and i faced the horrible reality that without a job i’ll have to move back to my parents, something i don’t want to. ironically, despite all this, i am much happier here, with no job and no money, because living with my parents is like slowly killing myself because despite being 21 years old, my mother still manages to put all her own goals and beliefs on me, making me feel unable in believing in myself and making my own decisions. it’s verbal abuse, and as much as i love her i can’t live with her. to be honest i would have had a much better life education wise if i didn’t listen to her. i’d probably be done with so much more but i’ve realized this too late. every time i try to confront her with this, she claims it’s because i hate her. i don’t, but i want to. i haven’t talked to my mother since we had a fight and i hung up on her two weeks ago. i’m honest to god afraid of calling her again, as there’s one word i’ll never hear from her, it’s “sorry”. she’s controlling and manipulative — i can’t be myself, i can’t even be openly gay around her. i really, really, don’t want to go back to living with her. (especially now that i have a gf that i love very much)
my father is nice enough except for when he doesn’t think before he speaks, but i don’t want to take more money from him, he’s given me enough. in my home town, there is also no social life for me to get back to. the only social life i have is down here, with my friends who have become like my new family.
i’d do commissions but the only ones who commission me are my friends, who are just as poor and if not not realizing how bad my situation is. i also don’t want to take money from them but now i just have to nod and do so because i have no choice. please, please commission me. it might take forever because i get really anxious with commissions but i really, really need the money. i also have a donation button.
the rent every month is 530 dollars. i have enough to last me this year using my loans, but as i won’t be a student next year i need to save up. i also need to have money for food and necessities — i probably owe some people money too. i hate begging for money. i don’t want to beg for attention. but i really really need it.
edit: i just want to say that anything helps. i have 1700+ followers — if all of you gave me a dollar or even 50 cents, that would be plenty to go on for a while