Just because I’m not agreeing with taylor right now doesn’t mean I’m sending her hate or I don’t like her. I just don’t agree with how she’s handling the situation and I don’t agree with her view on it. That’s all I’m going to say. I still love taylor will all of my heart- all of us do. It’s just that this is getting dragged out more than necessary and making other people feel horrible.
When people tell me I’m pretty online I always feel like the biggest fraud cause this is how I look when the make up comes off and it’s time for bed. I just don’t want you to think I look like I do in my videos naturally!!! I do not and that’s okay cause life isn’t a beauty pageant!!! I’m almost 21 and I’m only just starting to accept myself spots and all. Determined to love myself wholly one day soon. xxx
Hello friends, my pals and I have started a Patreon to support THAC and the series we make after Marble Hornets, which has a short teaser in the video above! Eagle eyed folks will also see a new series sneak in there that I’m super excited about. Did you catch it?
No pressure to donate anything to us if you don’t have the means or just don’t want to, it’s just an option now available to you. As always, thank you so much for everything you do <3
I think subconsciously, I have always felt I must avoid men in order to be happy in life. I love my male family members, but I think I have had enough experience around men to see how men are. I have always been some sort of uncomfortable when men who are not family touch me(and no, the men in my family have never touched me inappropriately). Nothing more than a simple hug(no touching of my waist or lower back), even if they ask for consent. Even my best friend and I don’t hug as much as I feel we should, but a lot of times, I would rather not touch him. And “romantic” relationships with men have always left me feeling pressured and uncomfortable. I just don’t trust men, I guess. Should I? They tend to be slimy and most don’t even wash their hands after they pee…
So i think this chapter is awesome! It gives you more insight on Jade’s character. Who’s excited for the next chapter now?! Because i am! =D um, i guess that’s all. I don’t really have anything else to say but feedback is always awesome! Love you guyssss❤️ Fanfic Master list Master list ~ Krissy
Chapter 8 ~
Lily’s POV ~
I gathered a bunch of junk food from the kitchen and scurried to my room. I decided against going to the boys’ band practice. I still don’t know how i’m going to handle everything with Calum. I want to fix our friendship but i just don’t know if it’s possible at this point. Maybe we weren’t meant to be best friends forever after all and this is where we part our ways… But i’m hoping not because some part of me feels like i’d be lost without him.
I turned off my lights and closed the blinds so i could make me room as dark as possible. All i wanted to do was sulk and eat crappy food. Best idea ever? No. But it was what i was going to do no matter what.
I put on some music and busted into the girl scout cookies. My head swarmed with thousands of ways to handle all this. I tried thinking of the best thing to do.
Should i just talk to him about it? Should i question him? Should i not forgive him on my behalf? Should i forgive him for what he did to me but not to Jade? Should i forgive him and give him another chance at being my best friend? All these were okay ideas but which was the best one?
"Lily are you in there?" Jade yelled, banging on my door.
Shocked she was actually talking to me it took a moment to respond. I quickly turned my music down and got up to open the door. Jade stood there teary eyed, her arm stretched across her body letting her hand hold her elbow.
"Can i join you? You took all the cookies." Jade surpassed a small giggle.
"Yeah," i smiled faintly allowing her into the room.
We both climbed onto my bed. I left the music low so if we wanted to talk it wouldn’t interfere. The two of us snacked on cookies and chips. I continued my endless thinking while i wasn’t quite sure what Jade was thinking about. She wasn’t crying, she was kind of just staring into space.
"How could i have been so stupid?" She finally mumbled. Catching me off guard - talking out of no where - i wasn’t 100% sure i followed her.
"Hm?" I hummed.
"How did i not see that this was happening?" She asked turning to me. "I’m not gonna like yell at your or anything again." She sighed while taking in my worried facial expression.
"Well i’m sorry to say we tried to keep it on the DL." I mumbled, feeling extremely guilty.
"I just, that day at the pub. I told you i thought he was cheating on me but never in a million years would i’ve thought it was you." She took a bite of her cookie, pausing for a moment.
"Maybe you thought it could never be me because you didn’t want it to be." I said.
"What do you mean by that?" She asked.
"Well we are sisters, twin sisters who were/are best friends. You wouldn’t have wanted it to be me because me being your sister - how could i have done that to you." I sighed explaining the sad truth. "Or that because we seemed to hate each other so much that it being me seemed impossible."
"Maybe." She muttered. "Have you talked to him since yesterday after he left?"
"Nope. Silent treatment, he tried talking to me but i ignored him."
"He’s been texting me none stop, apologizing. Which is clearly bullshit."
"Just turn your phone on airplane mode. That’s what i did." I chuckled lightly.
"I miss him." Jade blurted out. This sentence clearly exploded something inside of her emotionally because she proceeded to completely fall apart. "I really liked him. How could he do this to me?"
I felt heartbroken for her. My heart ached for my sister. I honestly don’t understand how he thought his plan was a good idea either, it wasn’t just her who didn’t understand. I didn’t know that he had a ‘plan’ that i was contributing to at the time but i definitely took part of the blame to heart. As i should’ve.
"Come here." I gestured my hands out to hug her.
I pulled her into a hug as she cried hysterically into my chest. I patted her back lightly trying to calm her down. I wasn’t quite sure of even what to say so i kept muttering ‘shushes’ and ‘it’s okay’s’. After a few minutes she began to calm down and pulled away from me.
"I’m so sorry." I said. "I never wanted to hurt you like this."
"It’s not your fault he was being a little prick." We both laughed lightly, our boogery noses from crying made us sound funny.
"No i know but it is partly my fault."
She totally blew off where i was going with the conversation.
"Do you remember when we were little? We said we were never gonna let a boy come behind us." Jade said.
"Yeah, why?" I asked confused as to what this had to do with all this.
"Well i didn’t treat you properly while i dated Cal. Not as a friend or as a sister. So i can’t blame you for the way you treated me." She mumbled, playing with her fingers as she failed to look at me.
"Why are you trying to take blame away from me?" I asked confused.
"Because," she paused. "I can’t loose you and Cal." She began to tear up. "I didn’t even go like 24 hours without one of you around as my friend and i feel like hell. I understand how you felt now when i took Calum from you and became a bitch. I feel horrible i made you feel that way for almost a year."
To say i was stunned was an understatement.
Calum’s POV ~
"So what’s it like? Fucking twins?" Michael snickered. Ashton quickly thumped the back of his head causing him to groan out in pain.
I just shot him a glare.
"This isn’t a joke mate. What he didn’t isn’t funny." Ashton said.
"I never said it was a joke i was being serious." Michael said.
"It’s different…" I said. This actually got the attention of all the boys. "Jade, she likes - like gentle lovey stuff. She likes teasing but doesn’t really ever say what she wants. You kinda have to figure it out. But Lily she’s not afraid to say what she likes or what she doesn’t. She’d straight up tell me if she wanted me to tease her or not. She’s not as much into the whole lovey thing but that could’ve been because we were ‘just fuck buddies’. She likes it kinda rougher though."
"Damn. I thought our little Lils was the innocent one." Michael laughed.
"We shouldn’t even be talking about this!" Ashton snapped.
"Yeah it’s kinda weird." Luke chimed in.
"Look you guys started this conversation not me." I huffed.
"Because you gotta get your head out of your ass Calum! We can’t get through one song without you fucking up and then we take a break and all you do is go on your phone. Like now." Ashton groaned grabbing my phone. "You’re not even paying attention."
"Hey!" I yelled. "Give it back."
"Not until practice is over. Clearly they are ignoring you and you have to get over that!"
"Ya know what i’m done today. I’m going home." I muttered.
I snatched my phone from Ashton and slung my bass over my shoulder. They all stood there stunned as i walked out the door. I know i shouldn’t have left like that but i just needed to get out and be in my own space. By the time i was about half way down the block i heard Ashton calling after me.
"Calum! Wait! We just got a tweet! WE GOT A TWEET FROM - OW!" I stopped short causing him to run into me making him moan in pain.
"What Ashton? Use your words." I muttered. Utterly pissed and just wanting to get home.
"Louis from One Direction tweeted us about our music! Now the account it blowing up with tweets!" He blurted.
Lily’s POV ~
"No possible way! This isn’t fair!" I huffed.
"Sorry." Jade laughed.
"We’ve played six fucking rounds of checkers. SIX ROUNDS! And i’ve lost every one of them." I crossed my arms pouting like a baby.
"You alway have sucked at checkers." She giggled.
"I liked it better when you use to let me win." I laughed.
"Aren’t we a little mature to be letting each other win?" She shot me a look.
"Not if you love me." I smiled wide, batting my eyes.
"Fine. Maybe i’ll let you win this time." She winked.
"Yay!" I cheered.
"Hey i just said maybe." She shot me a look.
We started setting up the board for another round of checkers. I could see the screen of my phone lighting up but i just assumed it was Calum trying to get my attention. But after a few more blinks i felt compelled to pick it up and see what was happening.
"No way." I muttered. "No way! No way! NO WAY!" I screamed jumping up from my spot on the floor.
"What?" Jade laughed.
"One of the boys from One Direction tweeted the band account!" I yelled.
"About what?!" She asked scrambling for her phone to go read the tweets.
"This could be really good for them J!" I exclaimed.
"This is amazing." She smiled.
Just then my phone started to ring and it was Ashton. Quickly i answered wanting every detail not wanting him to wait a single second.
~~ Phone Call ~~
"Hello?!" I shrieked putting him on speaker.
"I’m assuming you saw the tweet?" He laughed.
"Yes this is like freaking amazing! Are all the boys still there?" I asked.
"Yeah we’re all here and mind blown." He said.
"This could be great for you guys Ash." I sighed. "What if you become like a big time band and get to travel places and do gigs!"
"Lils i think you’re jumping a bit into conclusions there." Michael’s voice rang through the phone.
"Am not!" I yelled. "Well did he like message you or anything?"
"No as of now just the tweet. Like Michael said this is awesome and everything but it’s just a tweet."
"You guys could be a little more excited." Jade added.
"We are excited!" Luke yelled from the background.
"Hey Jade," Ashton said.
"Hola!" She laughed.
There was a share of chuckles all around. From both us and the boys. But the laughter was soon cut short by a loud slamming sound on the other end of the phone. Followed by Michael whining, “Now where the fuck are you going mate?”
"Everything okay?" I asked hesitantly.
"Uh, yeah." Ashton mumbled.
"That didn’t sound like a very confident yeah." Jade stated.
"Calum left." He said. "He’s been pretty pissy all day."
"Yeah well he was annoying the fuck out of us so…" I trailed off.
"May i make a suggestion?" He asked. "Just talk to him."
Taking him off speaker i sighed. Jade backed away grabbing another cookie shoving it into her mouth. I fiddled with the bottom of my shirt not really knowing what to answer.
"No," I said. "Not yet anyway i’m not ready for that fight."
"It won’t be a fight Lily he fucking misses you."
"Trust me i know from the fifteen billion texts he’s left me."
"Just think about it okay? I know he screwed Jade over and messed things up with you but i think he’s more heart broken over loosing you than her." He admitted.
"You’re probably right Ash. And that’s one of my biggest issues." I said. "Look i gotta go. Jade and I have a mean game of checkers going on and i might have a chance to bet her. I’ll talk to you later, bye."
I hung up before even giving him a chance to respond. Calum wasn’t going to just get off that easily over all this. I was still conjuring what i wanted to say to him. Where i wanted our friendship to go.
"Would you have a problem if i decided to be friends with Calum again?" I asked.
"Old me would’ve said yes… But old me also partially got us into this mess… I don’t know." Jade mumbled. "Not if you didn’t bring him around like before i met him." She paused. "Are you thinking of forgiving him?!"
"Maybe…" I muttered.
"Lily he fucked you over. Literally!" She yelled.
"Well he fucked you over too!" I defended.
"Yes, exactly which is why I’m not dating him anymore dip shit." She groaned.
I paused frustrated by her completely correct answer.
"Shut up you don’t need to be right so often." I huffed.
"Look i’m not gonna tell you how to live your life. I’m not forgiving him - not that he fully cares considering i was just suppose to be a jealousy enabler to you - but that doesn’t mean you can’t forgive him for making you fuck around with him behind my back. That’s your call. Because he clearly wants you not me. So trust me if you forgive the little fuckboy he will be happy as can be." She snapped.
"J…" I sighed. "I’m sure you mean something to him. I mean you dated for so long and were around each other so much. You can’t tell me he didn’t find one thing to like about you deeply."
"Look all i care about is not getting hurt again. So do what you want just don’t involve us in things together." She spoke quietly while re-setting up checkers.
"Fine." I sighed giving in.
"Good. Now come on dork it’s time for me to beat your ass again." She winked.
~~3 Weeks later~~
I sat alone at the lunch table. Pushing around the apple i packed, rolling it back and forth between my hands. Jade had stayed home because she didn’t feel well and i wasn’t up to sitting with the boys. So i sat alone. I had still been ignoring Calum. But i now felt confident in what i wanted to say to him, i just needed to find the balls to do it.
"Can i please sit here?" Calum asked pleadingly.
I didn’t look up at him. Gesturing with my hand towards the seat in front of me he sat down slowly. My gaze remained on the table as i was worried if i looked up and made eye contact that i’d lose my composure. The little bit that i had that was.
"Are you going to say anything Lils?" Cal asked. I clenched, then unclenched my jaw at the nickname. I just shrugged. "I can’t take this silence anymore."
"I’ll be over at 8." I mumbled.
"What?" He asked confused.
"I will be over at your place at 8 tonight so we can talk." I said.
Cleaning up my lunch i shoved it back in my bag. Tossing it over my shoulder i stood up. Calum looked at me dumbfounded as i caught his glance as i stood. I was refusing to look at him.
"Can’t we just talk now too?" He asked.
"No. I will see you at 8."
With that i walked away. I figured i could just sit in the library for the rest of the period. I knew he most likely would be able to break me down. Not that that’s his plan but i know as soon as i look into his dark brown eyes that i’m gonna lose it.
Could you describe the thing you've seen where people encourage inertia in people with mental illnesses? I typically get really bothered by posts that say 'Tumblr is encouraging sick people to stay sick,' but it's likely there are things I'm not seeing, since I only follow a few blogs.
A few things:
One, I think there are a lot of posts about self-care that encourage people to take time-outs, that remind people that they don’t become worthless just because they don’t or can’t do things right now. Taken in isolation, each of these is a good thing. Taken together, when there’s not as much that encourages people to become ready to handle the things they were taking a break from, and not many tools for easing themselves back into the things they need or want to get back to doing, I think that they can work to sap motivation. I’ve found they’ve done that with me, sometimes, and I have to not look at certain things.
Two, like I said — there’s not as much about how to — mm. I don’t like the phrase “push yourself” because it sounds like some godawful bad version of “inspiration” that basically makes you push yourself too hard or feel worthless for not trying. But there’s something else that’s not that but kind of like it, about taking carefully chosen, healthy, small risks to help yourself grow. And that’s not really something that’s talked about.
More than that, I feel like the very idea of that is treated as evil or wrong or bad, and I think it’s that aura of wrongness that makes me worried and uncomfortable more than anything else. I think there’s an awful lot of, like, “hey, I don’t have to love myself to love others, fuuuuuuck yooooou” rather than “Hey, whoa, I think I’d be much happier if I loved myself! But from where I am right now that’s a huge goal and it looks terrifying! How do I know if I’m ready? What does it mean to get started? What might it give me to try, and how do you recommend I begin, and how should I take care of myself if I find I’m not ready, so I don’t feel worse and like I failed?” and “Hey fellow people with whatever challenge! Here’s how I picked this goal, how I began, and what I did. I’m not saying it’s not scary and I’m not promising success, but here’s some things to try! Let me know what’s worked for you! Let’s help each other!”
That I think is my big thing. Like, I recently learned about Wellness Recovery Action Plans or WRAPs, and it’s brand new to me so I don’t know how successful they are for everyone, or whether they’re a tool that only work for a few people, or what the shortcomings are. I’m not trying to say, like, “everyone go make a WRAP and you’ll be magically better!” or any such crock of nonsense. I’m not even sure what I think of it!
But I love the idea of people focusing on understanding what wellness is for them, and committing to work on it, for themselves and for their own reasons. I love the idea of encouraging — not forcing or manipulating or pushing, but encouraging — people to try on those kinds of ways of thinking.
I know for myself, there was a point where I just found that I… decided I was sick in a way I didn’t want to be any more. And that didn’t fix me — it took a lot of work and time and help to see improvements in myself. But that commitment to “This isn’t where I want to be, this isn’t what I want my life to look like, I have PTSD but it shouldn’t have me” is what began my journey to becoming much happier and loving myself in ways that other people soon reflected in how they looked at me.
It just seems to me like… all that, whatever tools it involves, however personal or communal or medicalized or not it might be, is a very different outlook or approach to the Tumblr approach, which focuses on “you’re worthy even if you are sick,” but weirdly just kind of… stops abruptly there. And even gets mad or hurt or frustrated (or cries ableism!) if you so much as ask why it’s stopping there, or whether stopping there is the best approach for the most people, or… anything like that.
(This is also how I feel about the Internet’s reaction to triggers, by the way. I think trigger warnings are good things, and learning to include them as matters of courtesy is great. But I worry that again, we stop at “we have to take care of people with triggers,” rather than having conversations among ourselves about managing triggers, about whether there are times we actually might not want to ask for tags, about whether exposing ourselves to triggers is ever needed for our growth, etc. It’s 99% about protecting us, rather than about us as people.)
The word 'tranny' can be compared to 'fag'; some gay men may be happy to use that word to refer to themselves, but it doesn't mean that straight people can then say 'look, it's not an offensive word, we can use it to describe you, too.' People have been slowly working out that just because a black person may refer to themselves/their friends as 'n*gga' doesn't give white people the right to do so. 'Tranny' is a reclaimed slur, many find it very offensive, and it should be used with caution.
That’s basically my understanding of reclaimed slurs, which admittedly comes from a place of privilege whereby the only slurs I’ve ever been subjected to have been misogynistic in nature; if it was never your slur to reclaim (ie if you don’t belong to the group to which the slur was originally applied) then just don’t use it.