This is a thing I wrote some time ago (with input from my fiancé), lamenting the awfulness of the New York Knicks, a team my fiancé has had a complicated relationship with all his life. He has sucked me only slightly into his vortex. At any rate, here’s an outdated drinking game for the Knicks that we may have to use in seasons to come (with specific updates, obviously).
A Drinking Game for the 2013-2014 New York Knicks
For Knicks fans who want to forget it all
Much has been said about the Knicks season past. Sure, there was some good stuff, but let’s take a moment to meditate on the disappointing to disastrous moments of the 2013-2014 season. I offer you a retrospective drinking game that may have helped us all get through those dark months. Or perhaps have merely given us cirrhosis.
- Take a gulp of beer whenever Tyson Chandler, instead of dribbling, hands the ball to someone as if he’s saying, “I made this for you.”
- Drink for the duration of time it takes for Raymond Felton to stroll up the court to the half-court line.
- Take a shot whenever Pablo Prigioni reacts to a foul with the face of an adorably startled chipmunk. That shot can be of liquor or of a wadded up Knicks jersey into a trash can.
- Finish your drink and shout, “Huzzah!” whenever Metta World Peace intimidates a player on the opposing team during a preseason game and then is given no minutes during the regular season.
- Chug Primo pasta sauce for the brief couple of weeks when Andrea Bargnani actually looks like a professional basketball player.
- Sip long and lavishly from a fancy cocktail with an umbrella and unnecessary fruit accessories whenever Melo posts up, otherwise referred to as “Melo’s butt thing.”
- Give yourself a high five whenever Clyde says something that rhymes. It’s the only good thing we have.
- Cross your arms, sigh heavily, remain impassive, and clutch a whiskey on ice that way Richard Yates would have whenever the camera cuts to Woodson looking unhappy.
- Tequila shots for Partytime at Halftime! Singing along is mandatory.
- Take a drink whenever the camera cuts to a celebrity leaned over onto their knees looking disappointed, or a famous person engaged in conversation with another famous person to distract from the embarrassment on-court.
- Sip from your drink very delicately when Amar’e checks in. Drinking too vehemently could break any number of his bird bones. Or his eyes. Or his spine. You know what? Just don’t move. Hold your breath. Don’t even blink.
- Drink five beers when Chris Smith dances in place in the corner of the court so it looks like he’s doing something active when really he’s begging, “Don’t pass me the ball, don’t pass me the ball, sweet baby Jesus, don’t pass me the ball,” because why the hell not?
- Drink to forget Pierre the Pelican.
- Chug, chug, chug and rage-weep and feel vindicated when the Angry Knicks Fan stomps his Knicks hat into the slushy snow of an Indiana snowpocalypse.
- Turn the lights off and drink in darkness when J.R. Smith unties the shoelaces of opposing players during free throws.
- Finish your drink whenever Iman Shumpert dresses like an Illuminati terror clown.
- Experiences all stages of grief when it looks like Melo could be injured.
- Build a blanket fort, regress to childhood when the world had hope, and clutch your bottle of Mad Dog when Raymond Felton is accused of owning an unregistered firearm.
- Pour one out for Kenyon Martin.
- Finally understand angst and existential despair when whenever James Dolan makes a decision and/or public appearance. Adopt the detachment prevalent in Camus’ Stranger if Dolan is performing with his jazz combo.
- Contemplate the futility of life while staring into the dregs of your drink when J.R. Smith takes and misses a heat check shot.
- Pour your drink over your head and bury your face in a pillow to muffle your screams when the camera cuts to Melo shaking his head after the Knicks fail to defend their basket and know that church league basketball eight-year-olds would do a better job at this point.
- Cry, go limp, and suck the beer from your couch cushions when Woodson fails to stick with a consistent line-up. Or when he inexplicably does not put in Tim Hardaway or Toure´ Murry.
There you have it. With the dismal results of this year’s draft lottery so recently behind us and with Phil Jackson at the helm, we may have to resort to some of these maneuvers in the season–or, god forbid, seasons–to come. Stay strong, Knicks fans.