jodimam

I hope you all have a lovely Christmas Eve. 

My family is supposed to be arriving within the next half hour,
Which is excellent because I am starving,
& have started eating christmas cookies..
Meaning if i don’t stop I wont be hungry for the actual dinner…

But anyways.. 
Merry Christmas everyone! :) 
<3 

2am vent sesh

You’ve ruined me. Wrecked me beyond repair. I never thought someone could destroy another person without laying a hand on them. It’s all mental, it’s all in y head. Slowly deteriorating my mind. Like a slow spreading disease that goes unrecognized until it is too late to cure. Since I was young I had been infected by you but never realized it until I grew & learned & saw the world . Now I see you, & I don’t like what I see. It’s hard for me to be in a room with a lot of people. It makes me anxious. Especially when you are one of them. I am bitter, I am angry & I act it. I act out. You deserve it. You need to know I’m still mad, I’ll always e mad. You have to know that. I’m broken. I shouldn’t start feeling so anxious all the time. It scary. Deep breaths. My mind is irreversible. Broken. Where is my head. I can’t think straight at 2am. I shouldn’t feel like this. The worst part is no one sees it. Or at least you don’t. Avoiding confrontation, I learned from the best. Everything is good to you right? Everything is great.

Eyes are the most expressive thing about a person

Have you even taken a look at someone,
Like really look,
& focus on their eyes.

You can actually see that spark of life in them.
To me it’s one of the most amazing things to see.
The excitement, & happiness spilling from something so simple.

A persons eyes can say so much.
It almost intimate to look directly into someones.
Like you’re invading their privacy, & somehow you can see into their thoughts or what they are truly feeling.
When someone looks directly into mine, I have to fight the urge to look away because it feels too close, & the feelings that can be seen are just mine to feel, not for the world to see.

Eyes are so fascinating.
How the colours change, how a certain movement can show a certain emotion.
They see the world, & begin the cycle of how to interpret it.

But what happens when one day, you look into someones eyes, or your own eyes & see that once spark that ignited the excited of life is gone.
So sudden that it has disappeared without a flash of warning?
They once bright colours are still their but something is wrong. 
There is a constant glaze, not a shine.
The same emotions are shown, but the expression from the eyes has changed so slightly that it could only be seen by yourself or someone who knows you very well.
You look tired when you’re awake, but not physically tired look, just something in your eyes. Tired of seeing, tired of feeling. Just tired. Dead.
The spark is everything when it comes to expressions with the eyes, & without that, everything is different.

What does this mean for a person?
What do you say to someone who looks like this?
You can’t ask if anythings wrong because they look fine, smiling, laughing, but the eyes show that its forced, or fake..

What if you’re the only one who sees it in them?
What if you’re the only one who sees it in yourself?
What do you tell people then?
“Hey do my eyes look less expressive lately?" 
 
What if they don’t get it? 

It’s a hard thing to describe, the loss of spark in someones eyes, but it happens, people lose it, people get tired, things happen, the eyes show the breakdown of internal feelings that no one can see, even when the external is functioning to par. But what does it mean? What does this lack of expression mean? It’s almost like their eyes become covered by a grey shield, some change that is so slight, that is can only be seen if you really look. 

"They’re just tired." 
But what f they’re not just tired?
What if it’s more, & this is just the first sign?

Eyes are important to me, eyes allow you to become close to someone in your life without talking. Silent communication sent through glances, looks, movement. It’s how you truly know someone because the eyes bare all you cannot physically see. They one part of the human body that can show so much, feel so much. If you really think about it, it’s insane the extent this part of you can show. It’s scary but comforting at the same time..

How many people have actually taken the time to get to know how their emotions show through their eyes? Like little things that don’t much matter but you just know about. For me I know that when I cry, my eyes turn amazingly bright that I wish could always be there because the colour is fantastic, & I know that when I’m concentrating to something like playing guitar, I get this strange look in my eye, like I’m looking right through the person, like a way of connecting myself directly to the music. Little unimportant things.  

Eyes are directly connected to the soul, & everything else other people can’t see. 

(Hmm.. Not really sure where I was going with this… & I didn’t read it over again soo… yeah.)  

It’s hard for me to understand questions. 
Like in tests, 
Or homework assignments. 

I never used to have this, 
But after I began to realize I have to read questions over about 10 times before I have any idea what it means, 
I have realized this is a problem. 

This makes doing homework assignments really difficult for me.

So right now, 
I’ve read questions over so many times I couldn’t count, 
& I can barely answer them. 

Or if I know what I want to say,
 I can never get it how I want it. 

So I’ve lost the ability to write as well… 

It’s just really hard. 

Happy New Year everyone.

I’m currently on the floor in a makeshift bed, slightly drunk, with Magic Mike playing on the television.
Went out to a social with a bunch of people who are some of the nicest people I’ve ever met.
It’s almost as if I have friends. & right now I am so happy.