so job training was Not Awful, though my morning was — slept really badly, started crying about other upsetting things in the bathroom while I tried to do my makeup, gulped a mound of coffee grounds, forgot to plan ahead for things like, you know, breakfast, and ended up eating half a slice of pita; also I somehow contrived to leave my wallet on the floor, which I didn’t realise until I was twelve minutes away at the subway station. (protip: when you’re already viciously anxious, having to cheat your way onto a train does not help.) spent most of train ride crying quietly, then managed to come out of the ground on a street I don’t usually come out in and promptly started rushing in the opposite direction of where I ought to have been going, when I was already running late.
fortunately one other person arrived later than me. maybe no one will remember.
anyway we filled out paperwork and went over protocol and guidelines and got our company t-shirts, which are really cute, actually, and code for what to wear them with is essentially “anything reasonably respectable; make your call”, so I don’t have to be trapped in khakis or anything similarly hellish. (I do have to wear a baseball cap, but we’ll see how long that lasts.)
I don’t know how often I’ll be working with my cashier coworkers — there should only be one, maybe two people working a shift at once — but I liked them. one girl has long burgundy-pink hair, which she initially hid under a very convincing black wig, and then asked for the okay from the boss, who’s completely fine with it — so I asked and got an explicit okay with dyeing my hair turquoise again in the near future. (as several coworkers have facial piercings, my nose piercing ambition seems on target as well.)
wages seem to be… quite good??? and we get tips, and weekly checks, so that’s… encouraging. I don’t want to think about it too hard because you’re not supposed to be able to get almost-liveable jobs and I feel like I’m making a mistake or I’m misunderstanding an important catch. but. I’ll trip over that bridge when I come to it, I guess.
we get free meals when we’re working and have free reign of all non-alcoholic drinks (fancy sodas!!!), so that’s neat. food meeting on Tuesday probably where we learn the menu by eating it I’m really excited about this meeting.
so like… good things. but I feel so un-good right how that having something go right without an obvious catch is making me feel confused and guilty and resentful (resentful that now I have to feel positive about something when that’s hard work and it feels like it invalidates all the other negative feelings that are pretty all-consuming and rooted in issues that have yet to disappear), and I’m really tired of being optimistic about things because I have been relentlessly optimistic about new opportunities constantly for six months and they keep going all to hell. I don’t know. this is not the moral I should be taking away from today. but I still didn’t have a wallet, so I went straight back to Brooklyn without even a chocolate stop at Rite Aid on the way to the apartment (because no wallet) and crawled into bed, which is where I have mostly been. tomorrow I’ll get celebratory wine or something, but tomorrow has its own Dreaded Thing, so.