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I Love This Song.
I Love You, Bestfriend.


Here I am beside myself again

I’m torn apart by words that you have said
and all in all, I know we’re falling apart
Where did you run to so far away
And here we are to sing you a song
And there you are asleep against the windowpane
Just like always
You said you like to hear the rain sometimes
and all I can do is tell you the truth
Oh my eyes will tell you the same
And here we are to sing you a song
And there you are asleep again

And here we are to sing you a song
And there you are asleep again

Grasp our hands together, we feel we are one result
Grasp our hands together, we feel we are one result
Grasp our hands together, we feel we are one result
Grasp our hands together, we feel we are one result

And here we are to sing you a song
And there you are asleep again
And there you are asleep again
And there you are asleep again
And there you are asleep again

Grasp our hands together, we feel we are one result

dear tumblr,

have i let you down?
have i disappointed you?
do i ever forget about you, or make it seem so?
if so, i am truly more sorry than ever.
you see, it was never my intent to do so, i am just so very busy working and sleeping and loving this boy i have found and sometimes, i just hide away because i feel so very small and fragile and i do not want to cry.
but i can promise that while i am working i think of you as i read certain pages in certain books and i dream of you while i sleep and i love you all the while i am loving my boy and when i hide, i pray that you will find me, in the dark.
you are right, you know.
we are more than this.
i love you like it’s all i know.
i hope you still love me when i come home.
oh, dear tumblr, this isn’t really for you.
it’s for them.
my barud-ha.

a + d.

with all my love,
j.

balancing planets

more often than not, i feel like i have become this terrible sort of girlfriend.
unable to fully explain it, but. it just, feels.

more so, i am a terrible friend. i have no time to spare anywhere.
i cry myself to sleep more nights than i don’t, even though it’s been so long.
i hear certain phrases and songs and tv shows and smell certain smells and see certain colours and i think of you all over again and it makes a tight patch in my chest, undoubtedly.
and to you very few girls on this side of the world who always have the time for me, i wish i could have more of it for you. and i hope you know how much you mean because i know and you know that i suck balls at showing it, but i love us.
to the others planets away, you two have never let go.
i’ll be there every second that i can be, all right?
you are my anchoring, and without you i sail to the edge of the universe.

i miss the past more than is safe for any human to ever miss the past.
and even though i know i’ll get there someday, it just never seems enough in my heart.

i have a sickness hailing from somewhere inside me and no one understands it. some days i feel like i am being ripped apart from the inside out and i just work through it because i have to do what i have to do but oh my god, it hurts. what is wrong with me?

meanwhile, i feel like i am pinning all of these expectations on someone who has no need of me, let alone any other human being and i wonder all the time if they realise that on this side of the planet they may as well be my closest friend (?) . i’m sorry i am so childish and unworthy and so much dependent on humans as you are not (i wish i could be more like you). but you have been such a bright light for me these past months. thanks for reminding me, that life is still worth living.

and you, whom i love more than i have ever thought i was able; if i could love you better, i would. when we have our own house, we will do it all your way and i will cook you all the microwaveable foods that you love and scream to all your favourite songs between kisses.



please, forgive me for my mistakes (those i’ve made and those still to come)
because you guys, are my universe and i am the very unstable sun (a crappy metaphor for the implication that i may explode and kill us all, sorry).
come, wipe the mark of sadness from my face, show me that your love will never change.

Things people most probably don’t know about me:

  • I fucking love porn
  • I can hit really high notes when I sing
  • I consider myself more American than Australian
  • I love soccer
  • I prefer American football to Australian football
  • Wesley Sneijder and Arjen Robben are my favourite soccer players
  • My natural hair colour is light brown
  • I used to be a freak about using hand sanitizer
  • I very rarely ever use foundation when wearing make-up
  • Before I met Alexx, I had ‘officially’ been with 9 guys
  • And from memory, I have kissed 35 on the mouth
  • I’ve kissed 1 girl on the mouth, too
  • The ocean terrifies me more than most other things
  • I have never once written the end of any of my 'novels’
  • I can speak Dutch, Italian, Japanese; a little Spanish, French; and teensy bits of Arabic
  • I can sing the entire Pokemon Poke'Rap theme song
  • I pretty much don’t have anything to do with any of the boys from my past because they can’t be assed to have anything to do with me and it actually saddens me, because they were such a big part of my life
  • I only have two bestfriends, and two brilliantfriends
  • I cry over Blondie and Mayhem and Jenny in particular all the time
  • I have to pay board living with my parents because they are assholes
  • I do not spend a night without Alexx anymore
  • I do all my own grocery shopping
  • I am still on my L’s, with no intention of buying a car anytime soon
  • I am the youngest of my four loves of life
  • I actually love my job, regardless of the way I complain, and regardless that I honestly cannot stand people who treat me like I’m less than they are
  • I used to take pills everyday, and it’s now been over a year since I last had to rely on the shit
  • I PREFER TO WRITE IN COMPLETE LOWERCASE
  • Townsville rarely crosses my mind anymore, but there are still people I miss there, even though they are few and far between these days
  • I am in my third year of university, and only graduated 'officially’ from school last year
  • LHS technically agrees I graduated in 2009 (May) because I had all of the requirements, so technically I graduated high school twice
  • If you don’t smell good, chances are I won’t like you much
  • I believe in all religion - I’ve taken part in Anglican, Protestant, Baptist, Catholic, Islamic, Atheist and Mormon practices
  • I’ve been to France, England, Switzerland, America, Italy and Mexico
  • I’ve been to both USA Disneylands
  • I am very proud of what my Dad does for the US and Australian military
  • I get all my photographic skill from my mum - I’ve photographed weddings, formals, social events, 18th’s, babies, children, and everything in between
  • I am so proud of myself

there is more than likely so much more i cannot think of

you've been on my mind lately, i need to say this.

bestfriend (andi) ; honestly, i am not all i could be without you. hollow-eyed and lacking spirit, i lose myself when you are not near. i will fight my way back to you and your arms and your face and your voice and your hands for the rest of my days, if i must. i love you. you’re always my number one. always my bestfriend. it says so, in the blackest of all inks, where you scrawled your name and your being all over the insides of my heart. and until we have nothing but summer rain between us, this aching soul will not rest.



absolute faith (deedee) ; you gave me hope when i could have sworn there was none. you will forever hold the most special place in my heart. you are my rock, my key and all of my inbetweens, dee. i adore everything you are and will become; and i promise you - i will never forget us. i love you. we have many more years together, you and i; and i can’t wait to spend them with you.



starscream (sash) ; whether you know it or not, you’ve meant so much to me the past few months. your entire being reminds me of the two most important girls in my life (see above) and the fact that being around you feels like home, is something i never thought i could have while away from those two. i don’t have a photo with you, but i would love to acquire one. so that when people ask me who got me through the years i had away from home, i can say here, this girl. yeah, the one that looks like sunshine and moonlight all at once. because that’s what you are to me, starscream - brilliant light. you, are my northern lights. please stay.

*insert photo here*

caitie (caitlin) ; you have no clue, do you? you make my life carefree and easy again, you give me time to just breathe. i owe you so much of the person that i am and will be, caitie. you’d better stick around in my life forever, all right? never in my life have i ever met anyone who has as much violence and attitude and self-respect as i do; but you, well you blew me away. sometimes i feel like looking in a mirror and saying, ‘hey caitie, sup?'  i love you. thankyou for being there even when i didn’t deserve anyone - let alone someone who cares about me half as much as you do.


finally, the love of my life (alexx) ; you make the days possible. you make my heart beat a little more frequently. you charm me more and more everyday, and the rest of my life is yours. baby, you are my life, now. i love you unlike any other and i never plan on being without you. thankyou, for making my life bearable, worthwhile, whole. thankyou for loving me the way i should be loved, the way i need to be loved, the way i love you. forever and a little bit longer, my love. waking up to you every morning is on my to do list for the rest of my days.

something i will actually finish, leave me comments, here and on my wattpad?

fragile and yet, infallible. i am max, and i am stronger than you know, hit harder than you expect, and am waiting ever so patiently; for something i am still unsure of. this is my story. prepare yourself, perhaps this was the plan all along.

I see them in the trees. Behind the house, in the windows, underneath the carport. I see the oceans in their eyes and I can feel the cold wind in their heavy breathing. I believe that they are everything I know. Everything else just disappears. Because when I feel them, I know you are here. Even though you are a hundred thousand miles from where I am.

These are my wolves; cold, hungry, alive and aching.


introducing max
I love the winter air and an autumn sky. I miss the fuck out of a place that barely remembers my face. I have no home; in fact, I belong nowhere in this hellhole of a planet. I like to fuck, dance in my underwear, sing all the sad songs, and throw pickles off my cheeseburgers. I wish I could explain how fragile I am behind this stormy surface. I ache daily. My life consists of working at a small-town bookshop, reading all the pretty words that have made others before me, famous. Meanwhile, all I really want is to write my own pretty words, and perhaps elope instead of having this masterpiece of a
wedding - so I’ll never have to choose napkin colours, or flower arrangements, or bridesmaids dresses because I wouldn’t have any bridesmaids. I used to think I would. I had it all decided. Until we went and fucked it all up because you’re still the same to me but I’m ‘different’ to you. I don’t understand. But I love literature and I’m intelligent beyond recognition, though I have a temper and often you can tell. I hate CAPITAL LETTERS and I hate the way I feel. I used to trust the wolves with my life, now I have no fucking clue what I’m even on about. They were just, always there. You ask me who I am? I used to tell you I am the wolves. But now? I’m just a name. Just, Max.


actually humane
When I was thirteen, I honestly believed the world was made of good intentions. But by the time my sixteenth birthday settled nicely into the late-August sunset, I understood just how poor my judgement had been. After staggering half-blind through dates with boys whose hands got too close, I began to wonder how I’d ever thought people could actually be humane. And then I remember you. You found me lost and shattered and fragile as fuck and yet still, somehow, you managed to fall in love with my sad soul. Fuck, if I knew how to love, I would love you eternally.
Just don’t leave. Your job was always to stay, I believe.
Everyone else had to leave.

His name was Ace. Well, actually, it was Avian, but we preferred Ace. Not to sound cliche’ here, but he was gorgeous. Every bone was angled just right, every strand of hair windswept to perfection. He held the kind of proud posture people often wished to have themselves, and yet their was an air of tragedy around him. I swear, I had never seen eyes as brown as his. Ace, you forever completed me.
‘Max, how about lunch today?’ his voice soft in the light of the morning sun.
'Zaffa’s will be open at noon. They have those muffins you like, with the vanilla icing.’
Ace drew in breath and exhaled it sharply. I murmur from beneath the bedsheets,
'And a coke? Vanilla coke.’
I feel his hands on my hips as he reaches back across the bed from where he sits at my feet, gently urging me awake. I watch him with one eye above the blanket, and he smiles.
'Your eyes look like the ocean. My ocean-eyes.’ This time, I feel him smile as he pulls himself on top of me, pressing his warm lips onto mine, little but the blanket and his thin boxers between us.
'Max, I’ll buy you all the vanilla cokes in the universe, if you’ll get out of bed and go to lunch with me today.’
'I like you,’ I whisper in his ear.
Kissing my forehead, he leaves the room to shower and I am left with my sighing heart and my cold, cold, feet.

When I was thirteen, I honestly believed the world was made of good intentions. But by the time my sixteenth birthday settled nicely into the late-August sunset, I understood just how poor my judgement had been.
After staggering half-blind through dates with boys whose hands got too close, I began to wonder how I’d ever thought people could actually be humane. And then I remember you. You found me lost and shattered and fragile as fuck and yet still, somehow, you managed to fall in love with my sad soul. Fuck, if I knew how to love, I would love you eternally.
Just don’t leave. Your job was always to stay, I believe.
Everyone else had to leave.