Just got back from No Brand Con, and it was fantastic. However, being around -K- so much, I felt both happy and anxious. It felt pretty natural for us to walk around together and it was fun to have a con buddy again.
Only when -34- and -06- referred to him as boyfriend, when we’re totally not, did I feel moderate amounts of anxiety. I realised that I’ve put myself into a half something again. I shouldn’t do this to myself. I like him, but I feel myself closing off emotionally again to protect myself. He deserves better than that, but at the same time, I know that another (not)relationship, no matter how happy it makes me, would probably be a bad idea. To tell you the truth, I’m scared.
I should just let things happen, take it slow, let things grow naturally, etc. But I’ve been stuck in situations like Kimura (who never even bothered to try a relationship despite having chemistry) or Duck (who after we broke up refused to acknowledge we were dating when we totally still were) for months and even years. Emotionally, I don’t think I can handle it; I thought I could before. I don’t know anymore…
I just know he makes me happy and I don’t want to lose that. I also don’t want feel like I’m being marginalised due to a lack of defined roles comparable to our mutual feelings, as selfish as that sounds. Whatever. l shall get some sleep and make decisions later.