Advent calendar - 5 - Jack - idonotlovesamcarter

He had wanted to keep this a secret, and as far as he knw, it had worked. He had done everything in his power, he had been nice to the nurses, he had proven to them that he was ready, that he could do it. It would be Christmas soon, and on Christmas day, he would be allowed to go outside the whole day long, meaning from nine in the morning to seven, ten precious hours to spend on his own. Only that of course, he wouldn’t spend them alone, or so he hoped. It had taken a lot of sneaking adn secretly sticking his nose into things he probably shouldn’t stick his nose into, but he had found out Jack’s address. He had no idea how to find it though, he didn’t know how to move around town at all. It had been twenty years after all. He only hoped that since it was Christmas day, not many people would be on the streets. He felt like he had been waiting forever for this day. Of courese he had been outside with Jack for a few times, and he had shown him around a bit, but it really had only depressed him. It felt like he was in another world, this thing outside the mental ward was nothing like the world he had left behind twenty years ago. Now that he knew what was there he didn’t even want to go out this much anymore. He feared it, he feared the cars, the noise, the people. Twenty years of being locked away had destroyed him on the inside, he found that the walls he hated so much gave him a weird sense of security, he knew them and he knew what awaited him there.

They hadn’t been to his old home, nor the graveyard. He wanted to go there, he really did, but he started crying every time he thought about it, every time he wondered what it would look like now. What would twenty years do to a house? To a home? To his home? No, he really didn’t feel ready for this yet.

He sighed when he felt the tag go aroudn his wrist, but he forced himself to smile at the nurse, even whishing her a merry Christmas. Jack would be proud of him. On Christmas, people weren’t allowed to visit, so he knew Jack wouldn’t come to him today. He clutched the letter for the other male as he listened to he nurse explain over and over again when he had to be back and the consequences if he wasn’t. He nodded and assured her he would be back. And then, he was outside.

It was freezing cold, and he didn’t even have a jacket that was warm enough. But right now, he didn’t even care. He had a goal, hen knew what to do, and for the first time in forever he was allowed to do just that. If bein outside with Jack was stressful, being outside alone was pure hell. He had no idea how exactly he made it, but he did. After about an hour, he stood in front of a house that had to be Jack’s. His heart was racing as he stepped up to the porch and rung the bell. What if he wasn’t home, or what if he didn’t want to see him? Maybe he had friends over and didn’t want ot bother with Flake? But then, the door was opened and there he was, and only a second later Flake was in his arms, sobbing into his shoulders. „I made it“ he whispred, clinging to his friend for dear life. He realy wasn’t ready to be outside alone, yet he had made it, and now he was so proud. „Merry Christmas, Jack“ he whispered, leaning into him as he pulle dout the other’s present. It really was only a card, but he had spent hours thinking about what he was going to write.

Dear Jack, I really just want to thank you. You’re the wonderful human being that made my life worth living agian, you made me want to be alive. You taught me how to feel again, to trust people All the happy memories I have of the past twenty years are with you, and all the time that I am alone I just wait for you to come back. You made me care again, you made me open up and be vulnerable for you. I trust you, Jack. I haven’t trusted anyone in twenty years. You have me in your hands now, if you drop me, I break. Please take care of me, I couldn’t handle it if you left again. You wanted me to open up and I did, I gave myself to you, I told you everything. Please stay with me. It’s been twenty years since I said it and It feels different than the last time, yet it feels right when I now say that I love you, Jack. I do. I love you. Merry Christmas.