He started by taking photos of me sitting on the sofa. Smoking cigarettes. Drinking beer. And basically being shy and not knowing what to do. There were too much shots of me laughing and doing nothing. It was super awkward, but there were a lot of good ones. I guess I’m photogenic like that, hahaha, I’m kidding. Maybe he was just good at it. Or maybe an embarrassing moment could actually be a good subject.
He told me to let loose. Look more at home. I think I was slowly getting there, especially with the help of alcohol, but it was just too uncomfortable and I was very inexperienced, that I can’t just do that at the click of a button. (No pun intended. Haha!) So I tried thinking of how I could look “more at home”, and I thought of taking my shoes off since I was actually at home; I don’t wear shoes at home. Shoes off. Socks off. And it magically helped–I was able to do more poses like putting my feet on the sofa and lying down.
The whole time, I was thinking about the nude part. I was deciding on it. A part of me wanted to do it and a bigger part of me was saying it was just too crazy. I mean, everything between me and the guy had been all but platonic. I had always been fully clothed around him and suddenly I was so close to taking my clothes off in front of him? I kept telling myself it was going to be weird ‘cause It was practically a strip show what I was contemplating on. A strip show for someone I never had anything sexual to share with. And his clothes would stay on; that would be weird. And he was going to have copies of the photos. Me to myself, “You a fucking porn star now?!”
(And I don’t mean that nude models are porn stars. It was more of how I felt about what I was thinking of doing, not the way I see nude modeling. And how I felt about what I was thinking of doing involved something else other than the art of nude, but something you could say was shallower, was some sort of fruit of lustful thoughts, of seduction and liking a guy. Okay?)
Then I suddenly had what I thought was a brilliant idea in order to maybe divide my dilemma between the two of us, or maybe even spread it out so thinly that it would evaporate into thin air. I told him that I’d only take a garment off if he took off a piece of his. He agreed to it. Then I told him to take his shoes and socks off before we started the first round.