Carry on down there about three five miles until you come to the gimpy child with the hula hoop. Keep an eye on him he’s a contrary fucker! You never know what way he’s gonna left next! Keep going until you come to a graveyard! With a hen it it! And if that hen is looking at you, and I mean STRAIGHT FUCKING AT YOU… you may as well come home. You’ll have no luck today. What the fuck are you going to Offaly for anyway?
—  Tommy Tiernan on Irish giving directions.
12 New Irish Toasts for St. Patrick's Day 2014

May you never have to wear a polo shirt in an official capacity.    

May all alumni fundraising letters get sent to your old address.    

May the old bands you go see never play anything from their new album.    

May all your unplanned pregnancies be bluffs related to extortion attempts.    

May your good grandma live longer than the bad grandma.  

May your high school friends never invite you to Kickstart anything.    

May the drive through guy mess up and give you free fries every time.

Finish reading 12 New Irish Toasts for St. Patrick’s Day 2014