Entry 9/17: The Promises.
Here it goes.
My first couple weeks of college and been utterly and completely invigorating. Where once I was completely aimless in most things, I am now direct and confident. Presently, I have the sensation that I have been here at Hollins for years, whereas it hasn’t even been a month. The friends I have made are wonderful. My professors and classes are enthralling and enable me to thirst for knowledge again instead of feeling like it’s being spoon-fed down my throat.
I go to parties, I go to events, I am involved in the student senate, my professors have praised me and said I have picked the right major (Political science, although I might double major that with International Studies). Everything is falling into place and I could not be more relieved or excited for my future.
However, with all this change and revelation, I’ve had to realize a lot of things about myself and my life. During a dealing of Tarot, the theme was overwhelming: change and awesome new opportunities are unfolding, but some convictions that I have held dear must be let go. It isn’t just the cards saying this—it’s my soul. This circumstance has been keeping me up at night, even when I’m exhausted from homework or socializing.
In one of my phone calls back home I was talking about it with my mom, and I finally grew the guts to bring up riding. She said she was wondering when I was going to bring up that elephant in the room. I had been wondering the same thing, too, honestly—how much courage and stress was it going to take for me to finally blurt it out? Was I going to have to be locked up in a dark room and interrogated? No. I have to own my insecurities if I ever hope to resolve them.
So I am going to resolve them.
I have devoted a large, and overwhelming chunk of who I am to my love of horses and being an equestrian. I have damn near killed myself over it. It is a part of who I am, and I can never chage that. Horses will always gallop in my soul, and I will always hove to concede to the thunder it creates within me.
I am, however, letting go of my aspirations of being a professional rider. I want to be clear and say that I am not admitting this out of bitter defeat by an industry. I am saying this as an admittance that this is not the part I will play in the world, nor was I meant to play it. Where I have been discouraged, foundered, left to fend for myself, other avenues in my journey onward have called to me with encouragement, progression, and promise. It is time that I stop hammering myself into the paths that do not wish for me to walk upon them.
Horses will forever be a priority to me. One of my greatest goals is still to have a farm to call my very own someday, and to spend the afternoon hours riding and being a barn brat just as I always have been. But first, I need to experience the other increments of this existence of mine, and reap the rewards of ALL I have worked for.
I want to thank each and every one of you for your unwavering support in my endeavors, no matter how trivial or impacting. You have been one of the principle driving forces behind my life as a rider, a young woman, a student, and a person. It is my sincerest hope that you continue to volunteer that support for me as I move into this uncharted territory of college, career, and beyond—and whatever detours and misadventures that entails in the meantime.
So, to be blunt in summation: I am taking an very extended hiatus from riding—perhaps the entirety of my college career, to focus on my studies and my professional goals.
I am not denouncing my devotion to the creatures that have made my life worth living, but I am saving them for a special chapter in my life to come, when I am ready for the responsibilities of owning my own horses.
I will not be pursuing a professional or very advanced riding career. I will also probably not pursue serious training. I am a competent rider and am well-versed in many disciplines, it is time I branch out.
Consequently, this blog will be shifting focus from my time as a rider to my time as a young woman chasing after her own self, her own desires, no matter what they are.
Thank you, and love you all, with my whole, hopeful heart.