Rachel treats her ribcage like a treasure chest
and you’re gonna have to dig and dig and dig to find it.
Rachel has a heart bigger than the size of her fist. 
The doctors have never known what to say about it
except that it must be heavy to carry around.
Rachel grows thicker skin to make up for it.

Rachel does a shot of Bacardi 151 
every time somebody asks her if she’s in love.
She picked it because it tastes like bleach.
She picked it because it makes her insides feel clean.
She picked it because she was told the proof was so high,
you could light it on fire and she always has dreams about
running out of burning buildings instead of running into them.
Rachel is trying to worry less about boys liking her
and more about liking herself, but it’s so hard
when this one has hands that feel like sun
and that one always kisses her with tongue
even in front of her parents.  

The day she turns 21, Rachel holds her own hair back.
She bets six people she can tie a maraschino cherry stem
into a knot with her tongue
but she swallows it whole instead.
She loses both of her shoes but none of her pride.
She goes home and digs herself up, puts her hands
on her heart and says, “I don’t know what I’m doing.”
Then she buries it again.
—  “Rachel Holds Her Own Hair Back”, Trista Mateer

I feel like when you’re kissing someone, there are a few very good places to put your hands. My favorite is my right hand touching the back of the neck and my left moving through their hair or on their jawline. Or on their chest, that’s always a great place for the left hand. Ahhh

Damn it. I crave intimacy.

I miss cuddling up to someone and kissing them and feeling their hand on my waist or their arm around me, pulling me to them.

smashes self in face with frying pan

and again

List of Non-sexual forms of intimacy

Watching tv/movies together

going to events together like carnivals, festivals etc.

going on dates like to the movies or shopping

Sharing secrets

hugs

sharing drinks

phone calls

talking

touching noses

cuddling

philosophical discussions

Hand holding

Sharing jokes

sharing smiles

laying your head on someone’s shoulder

linking arms

massages

tickling

playing with hair

scratching backs

tracing designs on arms

talking about the future

a hand written note

moving your head to their chest and listening to their heartbeat.

singing together or playing instruments together

dancing

feeding each other

drawing/writing on one another

Brushing your partners hair

sharing food

sitting knee to knee across from each other

 Doing beauty treatments like facials or manicures, hair dying or face masks

reading books together

take care of your partner when sick

talking about the relationship (how I feel with you, How I feel w/ this relationship)

cooking together

Head-scratches

hugging

discussions about yourselves (like flaws, shortcomings, passions, stuff)

being physically/emotionally vulnerable

just sleeping together,

an actual open honest conversation

bathing and taking care of hygiene together

butterfly kisses

nuzzling

telling on-the-fly stories

meditating or sharing spirituality

grooming

sharing hobbies

studding

sharing personal stories

shaving

seeing each other without make-up or all dressed up

moral support for major events

crying, sharing emotions, comforting each other

listening to someones heartbeat or breathing

camping/hiking

sleepovers

being with animals together

going on trips together

sharing clothes/jewelry/personal items

Sharing online social media

cleaning someone else’s living space

going with them to a doctor/therapist

doing art together

kissing different body parts

making out

volunteer together

work together

talking about wants and desires

experience new things together

do an extracurricular together

play games together

play sports together

walking together

being respectful and kind to one another (helping them do things, open doors for them etc.)

Sharing responsibilities (chores, babysitting etc.)

giving each other presents, special things from the heart

talking about and respecting each others boundaries

public displays of affection

grooming in front of each other

wrestling or play fighting

texting/talking online

looking in each other’s eyes

complimenting each other

falling asleep over skype or chat

making faces at each other

sky watching

write poetry

inside jokes

respect each other

tell them how you feel about them

kiss and touch different parts of the body

get to know each other better (playing 20 questions)

go for a ride together

close your eyes and memorise each others faces with your fingers

walk arm in arm

make a playlist together

make up your own words or slang

go out to eat

list each other’s best features

bring your faces close without touching and feel each other breath

Go shopping together

throw a party or other event together

leave love notes

exercise together

exchange something meaningful

try to have a whole conversation with only eye contact and facial expressions

sit back to back and feel each other’s heart breat

learn their favorite food and make it

run errands together

look at photos together

take photos together

go people watch

have a staring contest

learn something new together

take turns leading each other on a nature walk blindfolded

get to know each others family and friends

draw or sculpt each other

paint each other’s bodies

play with kids together

practicing a skill together

sharing food

being in comfortable clothes together

waving goodbye

being comfortable with each other’s bodily functions

any others you can think of?

In the produce section,
I think I hear your name, but no one is around.
The only thing in my shopping basket
is a garlic bulb
and I can’t remember why I picked it up.
I keep thinking about when my roommate told me
that you’re supposed to smash a garlic clove
before you chop it up.
I keep thinking about crushing one
with the flat of a blade for the first time:
the satisfaction, the crunch, the smell.
I want to call you up right now and ask you to dinner;
but I don’t.

I knew that I loved you
when I started catching myself daydreaming
about making grocery lists with you,
rinsing romaine in your kitchen sink,
knowing where your silverware drawer was
without having to double check.
I feel so lost today that all I want
is to take your spare key from under the mat
and make sure I still know
where you keep your measuring cups;
but I don’t.

Love like a bag of frozen peas,
I want to press you up against everything sore.
I want to take a spill in aisle three
just so I can run home to you
and ask you put your hands on me again;
but I don’t.
—  “Leftovers” Trista Mateer

My inspiration for photographing myself has shifted lately. I’ve always done it solely for me and I still do it for me, but I’m expanding in my process. 

I have someone who is supporting me in everything I do so not only do I want to share myself with him, I want to be better. He’s been pushing me to try new things with my body and photographing myself. He’s encouraging an art that I think has been trying to come out for a long time. 

I have some budding ideas that I’m going to dabble with. But in the meantime, here’s a more intimate one. Meant for someone.