Its been a while.
It is crazy how the universe unfolds beneath your feet. How one can stare at it with disbelief. Is this really happening right now? Have I reached rock bottom… again?! Will it ever cease? When will happiness be here to keep? Questions floating above my head. Pulling and pushing one another trying to seek for reasonable answers. How can the people you wish were with you through hard times… wait let me pick a better word. How can the people you NEED to be there for you are not there? They may be in the same room as you but they make it seem as if they are in a completely different galaxy. Am I the one who puts faith into the wrong people? Or are they the ones failing to resume their mission in my life? Should they be removed? Should one speak up to those who hurt us? Or would it seem unreasonable to do so? Would they even care? People don’t change over night. Some people are damaged a little more than others and are weaker than others. At this point that is where i am at. 2010 all over again. Although i do feel as if my thoughts flow easier and I feel stronger than before. My problem has always been confrontation. I can’t seem to speak up when things are fresh… sometimes I don’t ever speak up at all. I just sit and pour all my feelings into what seems to now be a ocean full of bottled up emotions. How can your own blood fail to pick you up and attend to your needs when you just need a little lift. A little pep talk. How dare you flaunt yourself saying you are a father with two amazing kids?! When you know nothing about us! You don’t know how to make me happy as well as what makes me sad. You don’t know my accomplishments and when I do decide to share it, you shoot some stupid remark about it. Talk about a slap in the face. Where are those, “Honey sit down we need to talk about important things in life.” Like what kind of guys I should be weary of. Or what taxes are and how to get a credit card. I wish I knew how to change my own oil in the car and change a tire if it pops and Im stranded alone somewhere. As a child most girls dreamt of a prince charming to sweep them off their feet, and don’t get me wrong, I do want that but, my priority was to have a loving family. I don’t care if we go through stupid family problems as long as they were resolved at the end of the day. I don’t care if you wouldn’t have let me gone out that friday night on a date with that immature idiotic boy. I would look back after not listening to your advise, after probably being hurt because thats what teenage girls do. I would eventually look back when i am older and think, wow he did that because he knows and he cares about my feelings. Each and every year that I grow older more and more accumulates causing the fire of hate to grow big and bold. My mother always says that I should never hate my father that I should learn how to forgive. But when is enough enough? The memories that I have of you are nothing but pain. Stabbing me one by one after each mistake is made by your words. Your actions. You care more about others than your own family in your household. How am I suppose to be okay with that? Am I suppose to be okay with that? How does one cope? When living with your own worst nightmare.