Okay. I didn’t sleep. I’ve been awake since 3:30 a.m.
Here’s the conclusions I’ve come to over the course of this long and sleepless night:
- I still have options available to me. I have no idea how I’m going to accomplish the thing I want but everyone keeps saying there are still options. So, there are still options.
- First things first I have to get that thing out of my uterus and figure out exactly what it is.
- Second thing, I need to lose some weight. Everything I’ve read says PCOS is a lot easier to manage if you’re in a healthy BMI. I am not. I hate the whole concept of BMI and I don’t think I’m particularly unhealthy, but this is a thing I can do and work towards so I’m going to do it.
- I really honestly have no idea how this PCOS business is actually affecting my fertility. I don’t miss periods, I ovulate on time every month. I understand that there are cysts all over my ovaries and there’s some bullshit in my uterus. I get that. I saw it with my own eyes, but like, if the parts are there and my ovaries are still spitting out eggs there is still a chance I can get pregnant. There is no harm in continuing to try while we figure the other shit out.
- I don’t have a formal diagnosis of endometriosis. I need to figure out exactly how we either confirm or rule it out. I want to know exactly what is going on in my body.
- Today I’m going to call the RE that I was referred to. I already looked him up, he’s one of the best in Vegas and my insurance covers him. (Well, it will cover the consultation and diagnostic stuff.) They do financing for IVF and have clinical trials that I may be eligible for that are super discounted.
- There is still a chance that the right tube isn’t actually blocked but just spasmed during the HSG test. The doctor yesterday didn’t say she saw anything in particular that was causing the occlusion. The left tube is clear and although that ovary is cystic, it’s still releasing eggs.
- Plenty of people get told they will never be able to get or stay pregnant and then do. I am going to force myself to focus on those stories.
- I am still sad and mostly defeated but the only thing I can do at this point is keep moving forward. I don’t know what else to do. Stopping seems stupid after all the time and energy I’ve put into this bullshit. Until they tell me that my reproductive system literally just fell out and that I no longer posses the necessary parts to give birth: I’m going to keep trying.
- In the meantime, I’m going to look into foster to adopt again. It’s going to be hard in a whole new way but since apparently the “easy route” has now officially been taken off the table we may as well explore several “hard routes” at once.
How’re you guys? I’m basically running on determination and green smoothies at the moment so pardon the babbling.