what is it with toddlers and personal space? if this little bald asshole touches my knee one more time i’m launching him across the parking lot

tourist dad saves a child

tourist dad: officer i found this little one wandering the streets. i think he’s lost

cop: sir that’s a leaf. you’re just holding a leaf

tourist dad: wow you city folk sure don’t care about your kids

bro this new workout is going to get me so ripped bro. i’m going to get so shredded bro. into little tiny ripped pieces. there won’t be enough of me for the police to identify bro

anonymous asked:

bad puns to tell my crush

  • are you a parking ticket? the future terrifies me
  • when was the last time you took your vitamins?
  • 44
  • i’m a thousand years old 
  • we could make it if we really tried 
  • can we play some drake? i’m going to play some drake 
  • i killed my parents and they deserved it
  • enough to break the ice in tennessee 
  • i want to die
  • blue crab larvae are incredibly vulnerable to jellyfish
  • i think about you more than i’d ever admit 
  • i threw up on the way here