My church had me thinking I was worthless. That all I amounted to was the price that was paid 2,000 years ago on the cross when Jesus “died for my sins”. They were never interested in who I was apart from what mission was “destined” for me. Time and again I told people in the church how I felt. How there was something inside of me that was discontented with the life that was being laid before me. The life they believed I should’ve had. No one really listened though. It was always chalked up to doubt. They told me “you’ll come around”.
If God saved me from anything, He saved me from the church. He saved me from judgmental, mean, unfulfilled people who used “Jesus” as a crutch and a barrier to living their own dreams and connecting whole heartedly with an entire world. The world is big and the world is scary sometimes. Retreating into a hole, and peering out into a world through a scope of condemnation and fear is not the life that I’ve chosen to live. They told me “apart from Jesus, you are nothing. If you don’t follow Jesus, you’ll never be happy. If you don’t do it His way, you won’t find a way.” Well, they were wrong. I was the MOST unhappy person when I was a Christian. And now that I’m not, now that I’ve found MY worth… I am stronger than ever before.
I smile genuinely again, I laugh from my soul, LOL. I connect with people for the simple fact that we are all humans in a big world living to establish a small space within ourselves and our context at large. I don’t meet people now thinking “ah, gotta save her or she’s gonna burn in hell”. I don’t assume that “either you’re with me or against me because the devil is in the world”. I recognize that the most evil acts are not a result of some supernatural takeover. We need to take more accountability for our ridiculousness and see ourselves for who we really are. A human is so capable of extravagant beauties and heinous horrors and no supernatural mojo is needed to accomplish either.
Knowing my worth, as a man… I’ve committed to beauty.. for me, for my family, for my friends and my community. I’ve been of the highest value since my first heartbeat.