imapickernomore said: what does your therapist say about this? when you tell him and get a feedback I’d very interested in his answer as I myself have a lot of the same issues that you have, especially with rejection and abandonment

My therapist has been pushing me to open up about my feelings. He said he could care less about S, and all that matters is that I take the risk and grow. I expressed fear that I might get hurt if I were vulnerable, and he told me that I could get hurt regardless. My relationship isn’t within my full control and that’s really difficult for me. I can only control how I act, think, feel (to an extent), and what I say. Even if I acted like the perfect girl, he could still decide he doesn’t want to be with me. Realizing that was a hard pill to swallow, but it’s the truth. I put myself out there and for once I can say I took the risk. Do I feel like S was worth the risk? Absolutely. Has it made me insecure? Yes. However, these are my own issues…they’re not S’s. He did everything he could to make me feel safe, and it’s my own stuff that’s making me feel a bit unraveled. I know everything will be ok in the end even if things don’t work out. I’ve been through this before and even though it was painful, it really made me a stronger person. S may just not be the person for me, and that’s ok. 

closedquestions said: It took guts, and a lot of courage. It is a big step. Way to go!

Thank you! I appreciate the support :)

itsthechoosingthatsimportant said: I would have not even gone. :( Those sound like horrible memories.

imapickernomore said: I applaud your strength for pushing through this challenge. And wisdom for taking someone with you… But if you knew it wasgonna be so triggering — why did you go in the first place? maybe it would have been better to leave past behind you?

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I don’t know why I went to be honest. I have always kept in contact with LJ and I’ve already been doing that since college despite the bad memories…I thought I would disconnect myself from her after her wedding…that I was a bridesmaid in…but then I kept in contact with her…I have a problem with that really.

But I did want to see mine and LJ’s mutual friends and have the chance to do something social since I rarely get out and do stuff…I figured that the baby would be cute…I don’t know. I felt an obligation. I didn’t know if a lot of LJ’s college friends would come…so I figured I should. (but actually the house was super packed…she has always been and always will be popular!)

LJ and her husband…but specifically LJ always makes everyone jealous of her…