(I stink at titles sometimes okay)
Word Count: I don’t know, but I assume it’s a lot because it took up 11 pages on my Google docs thing
and I am NOT sorry about that
Warnings: Um, angst, and the reader falls into a depression, so maybe some depressing thought, but nothing too nad or triggering hopefully. Other than that, nothing else other than lots of cute and sappy fluff at the end.
(I got this idea from imaginethatsupernatural)
You were used to it. Well, you should have been by now, at least. They never stay for very long. Even before you became a hunter (werewolf turned your best friend, who had to be put down by the Winchesters. You stayed to help with their research and after a while became like one of the family) they never stayed. It was harder to find a guy that would love you for a long time when you were always revolving between the bunker and whatever motel you were staying at for a case. But that was okay, because you had fallen for someone a bit closer to home. Not so good that you doubted he would ever love you back, but still. Castiel was…you couldn’t find the words. He was…well…Cas. He was strong and brave and this all powerful warrior of God. He would smite anyone who gave you a sideways glance. He was fiercely loyal and kindhearted. He always had good intentions for everything he did, even when it ended up making him the antagonist in the situation. He was beautiful and amazing and wonderful and sweet and ignorant to most human things, but he was slowly learning. You and Cas had become fast friends, at the beginning and up until now, the two of you did a lot together. You would read or watch TV or a movie; he would come to you with just about any question (and being very blunt about some) and the two of you could talk for hours. You had opened up to him on more than one occasion, because you trusted him. You trusted that he would always be there for you, even if it meant him only liking you as a friend. Something was better than nothing, right?
But as of late, Cas had started acting…odd. He would avoid eye contact with you, hardly spoke or answered your prayers, even opted out of your movie or TV offers. It seemed like the angel was flat out avoiding you. And it was starting to worry you.
The boys were about 10 minutes away from the bunker since last they called. Went on a supply run and asked if you needed anything. After hanging up your cell phone, you walked into the kitchen with your mug of hot chocolate (a bedtime favorite that you were almost out of mix for) to see Castiel standing there, looking ridged and awkward. He met your eyes and very quickly looked away, and it stung. It physically hurt you that your best friend, this angel that you were hopelessly in love with, wouldn’t even look you in the eye anymore.
"Cas? Are you okay? You’ve been weird lately…is something wrong?" You asked hesitantly, and he continued to stare intently at something across the room as he addressed you.
"I know you won’t understand, _____, but I shouldn’t stay around here too often anymore." You almost dropped your mug at his words, but instead you clung to it like a life raft. You could feel the tears begin to form at his words, and you tried to hold them back.
"What? Cas, the bunker is a safe place, and we have you to protect us. You don’t have to leave-"
"That is not the reason I am leaving." He interrupted, his voice suddenly sharp. He was void of any and all emotion, from what you could see of the side of his face, since he still refused to look at you. It was all becoming too much, and before you could stop them, silent tears rolled down your cheeks.
"But Cas, you are needed here. Sam and Dean need you, I need you…I want you here Castiel. You can’t just leave without giving us a valid reason." You were beginning to raise your voice, a desperate attempt to get the angel to stay, to change his mind, to listen. He just turned his back to you, his fists clenching at his side.
"I have been trying, _____, but as of late I simply cannot be here and be around…I just cannot. You don’t understand." You swallowed audibly, choking back a sob at what he said. The tears were forming a permanent river across your cheeks, and you set down your mug on the counter next to you. He was leaving because of you. Something you did caused him to want to leave, or at least, that’s what you thought.
"You’re right Cas, I don’t. But only because you don’t have a valid reason. I don’t know what I did to make you so upset that you can’t even look me in the eye, but I’m sorry, okay? I can fix it and make it better and I’ll do everything to make it better and make you want to stay, but please don’t go. Please Cas…please…" You were sobbing now. You had told yourself this was going to happen at some point. You should have been ready. But you weren’t, and it made it hurt ten times more.
"Goodbye, _____." Was all he said, his tone cold and firm. He left you to crumple into a weeping heap on the kitchen floor.
It had been weeks. You barely left your room anymore. You slept a ton, barely ate or drank, just laid on your bed in your dark room, listening to sad music and crying. Sam and Dean had come home to find you in an inconsolable pile on the floor, and after you cried in their arms, you told them what Cas had said. Sam just apologized profusely (he knew how much you loved the angel, he was good at reading into those things) while Dean was a ball of solid rage for a good hour. Cas hadn’t returned. Sam and Dean tried calling him for answers every day, sometimes twice. You fell into a depression, occupying your time with sleep, or tears, leaving your room for the occasional packet of peanut butter crackers and glass of water. You knew you were dropping very important weight and that you needed to get up and live again, but you couldn’t. What was the point? Your best friend, the one you loved, left because you were sure you did something. It was something you did that turned him from being as close as two friends could be to not being able to look at you at all. Not knowing what you did, and knowing that he probably wasn’t coming back, tore you to shreds. It would be more pleasant to be a hell hound’s chew toy.
They tried to help you. They really did. Sam would come in your room and sit on your bed, rubbing your back and trying to say comforting things, like that he and Dean loved you and cared about you and that you were family, and that they would always be there. But it didn’t help. Dean would come in and update you about how things were going, recent hunts and a joke he had said that day, or something funny he had seen on the news. He tried to lift your spirits without getting all ‘chick-flick’ on you, and though you appreciated his trying, it still didn’t help. Kevin would even try to help you feel better. He’d play his cello for you and maybe even watch a movie with you, but you didn’t watch movies much anymore. Whenever Charlie stopped by the bunker, she would come and see how you were doing. She tried to engage you in conversation about Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings, and although you did talk in these subjects for a while, it never fully helped you. You always went back to what you now were; a shell, a very empty shell.
Outside your room, in the library, Sam, Dean, Kevin, and even Charlie, stood behind a table. It had everything needed for the summoning ritual, and when it was done, a very angry Castiel appeared.
"What is so important that you had to waste ingredients to summon me?" He demanded. He glared at the group in front of him, his blue eyes hard with emotions he had been forcing away for the past few weeks.
"Well, you left us no choice. You wouldn’t answer our prayers, and this is important. We needed you, so we brought you here." Dean quipped back. He was fed up with the angel. Going M.I.A was one thing; leaving without an explanation and* causing you to fall into this depression. No. He was pissed off, and he was gonna get answers.
"What is it that you want?"
"Well, for starters, why haven’t you responded to us?" Sam asked, his face stern.
"I’ve been busy. Is that all?" Cas snapped. The quicker this went, the quicker he could leave before he saw you. And as much as he truly wanted to see you, he knew that he couldn’t. He had been avoiding you, yes, but for a very different reason than you had thought. At this, it wasn’t Sam or Dean, or even Kevin, but *Charlie who snapped, and yelled at the angel.
"Listen here pretty boy, you don’t just up and leave your best friend without an explanation. Especially when they are begging you to stay, to explain, to reconsider. I don’t care what you are, you do not treat the people you care about that way. _____ is an emotional wreck. She has barely eaten, hasn’t left her room in days, barely speaks to any of us. She sleeps and cries and then repeats all day, every day. So don’t give me that ‘I’ve been busy’ bull crap. It has been hurting all of us to see her this way. You used to be there for her. What happened to that?" Her face was almost as red as her hair, her words fierce and loud, pure anger spewing from each sentence. Dean, Sam, and Kevin exchanged nervous looks, afraid that Charlie had overstepped her bounds. But Castiel didn’t get mad at the girl he had never met for her outburst. Instead, his vision tunneled slightly and his eyes went wide with fear. What she had said about you…it wasn’t true…it couldn’t be. You were never sad for that long. Even when you were, you bounced back well. At least, you had whenever he was there to talk to you.
"What are you talking about? What is wrong with _____?"
"She thinks she did something to make you hate her and cause you to leave. She’s been like that since you left; mostly inconsolable, depressed, doesn’t eat, never leaves her room. What happened that made you go from practically worshiping the ground she walked on to you not being able to look her in the eye, Cas?" Now it was Kevin who began to raise his voice at the angel, following in Charlie’s footsteps and defending you. Castiel shook his head.
"It’s nothing you or especially ______ needs to know. It’s for the best that I stay away." He was more trying to convince himself than them at the moment.
"Cas, ______ deserves to know what is going on. I don’t think you realize how much you mean to her. She loves you, Cas. She has loved you for a very long time, and when you left like you did…" He let his sentence trail off, shaking his head and rubbing his eyes. Castiel was shocked at this news. He never thought that you would share his feelings, that’s why he left. He loved you so much it hurt, because he knew that you would never love him back. So he shut you out, it was the only thing he knew how to do. He left, even though it pained him to do so, thinking it was for the best. But now, he realized that he had made a huge mistake. One that would be very hard to fix.
”______…loves me?” Cas breathed, still processing the words in his mind. Sam nodded, and the breath Cas didn’t know he was holding left him. He brought his hand up to rub his eyes, feeling dread and guilt course through him.
"I have made a terrible mistake. I left because I love ______. I love her so much that it hurt to be around her because…I thought she would never love me in return. I thought it was better that way, and you have to understand that it hurt to be away from her…but I did it because I thought it was for the best. I was wrong. So terribly wrong." His voice was so laced with regret and sorrow that they all forgot how angry they had been at the angel. They could see that this information broke him, that he was the cause of your sudden depression. He looked at his friends with pleading and desperate blue eyes. "What do I do?"
"Well, buddy. You are going to have to tell ______ how you feel, and explain everything like you did to us, and…hope that ______ will forgive you." Dean answered. The others nodded solemnly, knowing that there was a good chance that you wouldn’t forgive him. They all knew that you had been left before, by every guy you ever loved. You had been switching between hating him, missing him like crazy, blaming him, blaming yourself. All the sudden change in feeling was making their heads spin. Castiel sighed, preparing himself for the worst, and walked out of the library to your room.
You had your back turned to the door, blasting “You’re not Sorry” by Taylor Swift on repeat for the millionth time. You were practically out of tears to cry, you were weak and tired and you had this numb feeling in the out of your stomach. Your lights were off; you preferred the dark as of late. It was more comforting than the light, because everything in your room reminded you of him, so it was better not to see it. However, you were interrupted by the door opening and the lights being turned on. You squinted your eyes shut at the sudden brightness, pulling your comforter over your head.
"Go away, Dean! I don’t wanna hear another one of your lame puns! They got old the first day!" You croaked from an opening in your cave of covers. The figure just closed the door and walked slowly to your bed, sitting down on the edge of it. Not wanting to turn over, you tried again.
"Sam if that’s you, then I get that you are trying to help, but honestly I just want to be left alone. I know you guys love me like a sister and everything, but…nothing works…there is this hole in my heart and…I don’t know if I’ll ever get it back." Again, silence. Nothing but breathing and music playing. Getting annoyed, you tried again to get your visitor to speak.
Nothing again. With a huff of frustration, you stuck out your hand to see who was there. You didn’t want them to see your face, your eyes puffy and your cheeks permanently tear stained. You didn’t want to see their looks of pity. Not anymore. You expected to feel the soft material of Dean or Sam’s plaid shirt. Or maybe one of Kevin’s t-shirts, or even one of Charlie’s graphic shirts, but you didn’t. Your fingers met the fabric of a coat. Specifically, a trench coat. You froze. You stopped breathing, you willed your heart to quit hammering in your chest, and your brain to stop spinning. No, this couldn’t be real. It was all a dream. A sick and twisted dream most likely brought on by your lack of water and food. You slowly retracted your hand, forcing yourself to breathe again. You tried to snuggle tight into the mattress; to let it swallow you up into nonexistence, but it didn’t work, even if it was memory foam.
"This is a dream. This isn’t real. I’m going to wake up and he will be gone. Just like every other time." You said to yourself, trying to calm yourself before the nightmares started. They shouldn’t be nightmares, but they were to you. Because in them, Castiel had come back to say he loved you. But you always woke up to an empty room and an even emptier heart.
"Hello _______." It was him alright. It was his deep gravelly voice that you would recognize anywhere. When you didn’t respond, he continued. "______, I have made a terrible mistake, and I have some things I need to tell you…will you look at me…please?" His tone was one of guilt and hesitation, and it was laced with hurt. But you were hurting too.
"No. Go away! I don’t want to see you!"
"Please. Just let me explain-"
"No Cas." You were too mad at the angel. Dream or not, you still weren’t sure. But you knew that you were gonna do this differently. Anger swept over you and you came out from your cover fort, facing the angel head on. "You don’t get to explain. You hurt me, Castiel. I begged you to stay but you didn’t. You obviously don’t care anymore, so I suggest you leave before I call for Dean or Sam or, oh jeez, if Charlie gets her hands on you-"
"They summoned me here, they would not make me leave." He interrupted, his eyes finally taking in your form. His was awestruck; they had been right. You were getting dangerously thin, your cheek bones more prominent and your ribs were beginning to show through the tank top you wore. Your eyes were red and puffy, like you had been crying for days. He saw what he had done, the toll it had on you. And it hurt him far worse than the weeks he had spent away from you.
"What…why would they-"
”______, when was the last time you ate something?” He pressed, not giving your spinning brain a moment to take in his words.
"I don’t know; I’ve lost track of the days. Why do you care? You left. I thought you didn’t care anymore." You shot lasers at him out of your eyes, all of your anger at him spewing out at once. But you soon relented when you saw his blue eyes fill with regret and guilt.
"I left because…I cared too much." You scoffed at his comment.
"You sure show it in a funny way." You snapped at him.
”______…I left because I love you, but I thought you would never love me in return. It hurt to be around you because I love you so much. I wasn’t sure what to do, so I panicked and shut you out. I thought it best to leave, but I was wrong. I was so very wrong. And then Sam and Dean and Kevin and, who was that girl you mentioned? Charlie? They all summoned me here. They told me about what had happened to you after I left and…how you felt about me. I did not know you felt that way about me, or I never would have left.” His words left you stunned for a moment before continuing. And even ask you spoke, his words echoed in your mind. I love you.
"But you did leave. You left me crying on the kitchen floor, begging you not to go. I trusted you, Cas. Besides being in love with you, you were my best friend. You were always there for me, and the one time I decide not to let my fear get in my way; my fear of you leaving me like every other best friend or boyfriend I ever had, you do exactly that. You could have talked to Sam or Dean, or heck, even Kevin! I know that you don’t know about these things, but you don’t leave someone like that. That’s not what you do to someone you care about."
"It pained me to leave you like I did, but I thought that I was doing the right thing. It was extremely difficult not to see you, or even watch you from heaven, and it drove me insane. I counted the weeks, the days, the minutes, the *seconds that I was away from you. But I was wrong to do what I did, and for that, I am sorry. I cannot fathom the pain that I must have caused you." His blue sorrow filled eyes turned glassy, and you noticed that for the first time, Castiel was close to tears. He had never gotten like this before, not to you. You began to feel the anger ebb away, and you started to feel bad for him. You wanted to forgive him; a very large part of you did. But the other part of you, the part that reminded you of how hurt you were, wouldn’t let that happen.
"I know you are sorry, Castiel. I believe you. But I can’t, I’m just not ready to forgive you just yet. You knew about my ex-boyfriends and best friends. You knew that even now it’s hard for me to get close to people, because I’m so afraid they are going to leave me. And you went and you did it anyways. That’s not something I can forgive so easily, Cas. I’m sorry, but it’s going to take me some time.” He nodded, letting a single tear slip down his cheek.
"I understand, ______. What I did is unforgivable, I’m not even sure if I will ever forgive myself for what I put you through. Do not feel obligated to forgive me if you do not wish to. Just know that…I am sorry…I am and always will be sorry." And with one last look at you, he disappeared in a flutter of wings.
You had gotten better, at least by a bit. You were still sad most of the time, but you would get up and walk around the bunker, and no longer stayed in your room. You got back on a normal diet and began to gain back some of the crucial weight you had lost. You interacted more with Sam and Dean and Kevin, but there was still that hole that had yet to be filled again. It had been a few weeks since Castiel had admitted his feelings and explained why he had left. At the time, you were still very hurt. But after while, you realized that he was very sorry, and that he felt terrible for what he did. He loves you, and you knew he only did what he thought was right. You loved him, even when you thought you hated him, you loved him. This wasn’t something you could just stop feeling, even after he did something like that. He gave you the space and time you needed, giving you a small nod and slightly pained smile whenever you and the boys called for him for help on a case. After some reflecting and thinking, you were ready to forgive him. Maybe even date him, if he still loved you. But now the question arose; how do you tell him? Wait until the next time you and the boys needed him? Call to him yourself? Wait for him to show up on his own?
"You okay, ______?" Dean asked, sitting on an armchair near the couch, beer in his hand.
"Kind of. I don’t know what to do. I want to forgive Cas, and I’m ready to forgive him, I just don’t know how. Should I be the one to call him? Or should I wait? And what if he doesn’t want me back? What if he’s moved on?" You looked at Dean with confusion, not knowing what was the right decision to make, and afraid that making the wrong one would ruin everything forever. Dean stared at his mostly full beer, thinking for a moment. He had never been good with relationships, and he was sure he didn’t qualify as someone to give advice about the subject. But he hated to see you so unhappy, and he felt honored that you would ask him such a crucial and important question.
"As long as you go with your gut, and trust it, you won’t regret it. You have to trust yourself too, as well as others. You want some privacy?" You nodded, and he stood, patting you on the head as he passed. "He loves you, you know. He would wait years until you forgave him. Just be confident, okay? You can do this." And with that last piece of wisdom, he left. You took a deep breath, closing your eyes.
"Castiel, can I talk to you? Please?" In an instant, Castiel appeared in the flutter of wings.
"Is something the matter, ______?" He asked, looking you over to make sure you were physically okay. It always made you feel safe and wanted to know that he would do things like this.
"Sit" you said, patting the open spot on the couch next to you. Hesitantly, he sat down on the couch, his back facing the armrest. He sat like you were sitting; facing you, legs crossed beneath him. He look so normal sitting like that, the image of the powerful angel sitting like one would during circle time in kindergarten making you smile. You hadn’t smiled like that in days. "Castiel… I’ve been thinking. About what you said a few weeks ago." You began, and you saw him visibly stiffen, taken in a breath and preparing for the worst. "What you did was wrong. Very wrong. It hurt me, a lot." He bowed his head in shame, guilt spreading across his face. You reached out, tilting his head back up to look you in the eye again. "But, you thought it was for the best. I know that you would never intentionally hurt me, and you were doing what you thought was the right thing to do, even if it hurt you in the process. Also, I know that you are very sorry about what happened. It hurt you, possibly even more than I was hurting, to see me in that state. Cas…I forgive you. You mean so much to me…and I love you. I just hope that we could get back to the way things were befo-oomf!” You were taken by surprise when Castiel leaned forward and crashed his lips onto your mid-sentence. It took you off guard, but after a moment you kissed him back. It was a short kiss, but heated. Like he had all of this pent up emotion and he let it out all at once in the kiss. You returned it with the same passion that he was giving, loving the sparks that came with kissing his chapped but soft lips.
"Why would I want to go back to the way things were before, when we could be like this now?" He asked after pulling away, his lips still inches away from yours.
"I thought…that you didn’t love me anymore. That I might have drove you away when I didn’t forgive you right away" he brought his hand up and cupped your cheek, gazing lovingly into your eyes with his beautiful blue ones.
”______, nothing you would ever do would make me stop loving you” And then he was kissing you again, the hand that was on your cheek moving to thread into your hair behind your head, pulling you deeper into the kiss. You wrapped your arms around his neck, pulling him into your embrace. You may have pulled a bit too hard and too fast, though, because he ended up falling on top of you on the couch. You landed with a thud, the two of you too busy laughing to continue your make out session.
"Someone is eager" Castiel joked, truly smiling for the first time in weeks.
"Shut up, you started it!” You laughed, playfully shoving his arm.
"Forgive me for kissing the woman I love with passion." he replied dryly.
"Is that sarcasm I hear in your voice, feathers?” You teased. Calling him feathers during conversations like these was a normal thing, and you knew he liked it (even if he pretended it bothered him). Cas shrugged.
"You tell me."
"I think you’ve been on one too many bar trips with Dean."
"And I think this conversation has lasted long enough."
"What are you gonna do about it, feathers?" You smirked, eyebrows raised at your angel. You missed this. You missed being able to be with him and joke with him, and now, you could do all of that, and kiss him too. It was a dream come true. You were, for the first time in forever, happy. Well and truly happy. He gave you a smirk of his own.
"This." He leaned in to kiss you softly, taking a new, loving and slow pace. Your eyes fluttered shut and you smiled against the kiss, returning it gladly. The two of you kissed like that for what felt like hours to you. It probably wasn’t hours, but time seemed to slow down when you were with Castiel. You savored every moment of it, and Castiel did too. He couldn’t believe that he was kissing you, that you loved him as much as he loved you. He never thought you would forgive him for the horrible mistake he made, but you did. He put everything into the kiss, letting you know how much he loved you with just his lips.
"Do you think they’ll ever come up for air?" Dean whispered from the doorway.
"He’s an angel Dean, he doesn’t even need air” Kevin replied, whispering as well.
"Shouldn’t we be giving them some privacy?" Sam asked the group.
"What, we can’t see the outcome of our meddling?" Charlie smiled, happy to see you happy once again.
"You do realize that I am a celestial being and I can hear you all from over there, right?” Castiel said after pulling away. You sat up and turned to find your friends all standing in the doorway, sheepish grins on their embarrassed faces. You gave them an amused look, eyebrows raised, and they all began to mumble excuses and disperse. You chuckled, turning back to Castiel.
"They mean well."
"Oh, believe me, I know. The one you call Charlie put me in my place. Her hair is as fiery as her spirit." You laughed at his phrasing.
"Yeah, she’s like that. She’s really nice once you get to know her, but she is very defensive when it comes to her friends. And her favorite characters."
"I’ll remember that." He smiled at you again, but it faltered this time. "I am very sorry for what I did, ______. I-" you placed your hand to his mouth before he could continue.
"Cas, I forgive you. Don’t you think you should forgive yourself?"
"But I hurt you." He gave you his sad puppy look, and it broke your heart that he couldn’t forgive himself.
"You made it up to me. You fixed your mistake. You have to forgive yourself for your mistakes too, or else it will consume you. Please, for me?" He looked at you and saw the pleading look in your eyes. But it wasn’t just pleading. It was a mixture of that and love. It was a look that said, I love you no matter what you do. And that was all he needed.
"For you, I would do anything." You had never been told that before, and it made you feel so safe and loved when Cas said it. It made your heart swell with joy and love, like it never had before.
"And I you, feathers." You leaned up to capture his lips with yours in another kiss, filled with the confirmation of now and the promise of forever. You kissed like that for a while, lips moving in perfect harmony, and you couldn’t be happier. After a few moments, Castiel broke away, a permanent grin on his face.
"Is it too late to take you up on that movie offer?" You smiled at him, linking your fingers with his.
"It is never too late to take me up on a movie offer." The two of you got up off the couch. "Pizza and boneless wings sound good?" You called behind you, walking over to the movie cabinet to browse and figure out what to watch.
”_______, you know I don’t eat.” He called back, reaching for the phone to order the food.
"It’s more for me then, I need it more than you do anyways." After scanning the options, you pulled out DVD case. "How’s The Avengers sound?"
"Perfect. I’ll go get the food. Don’t start it without me." He pulled you in for a hug, giving you a small kiss on the top of your head. You smirked up at him.
"No promises!" You called, leaving to put the movie on in your room. After setting up the DVD player and cleaning up the room slightly, the sound of fluttering wings filled your ears, and Cas appeared with the pizza and wings, and apparently picked up your favorite soda as well. Who knew it would be this easy, and feel this good, to fall back into that routine again, after all those weeks of sadness and regret.
"I brought the food, ______." You gave him a kiss on the cheek, taking the food from him.
"Thanks Cas. Now c’mon, I want to watch the movie!"
The rest of that night, you and Castiel ate pizza and wings (he humored you and ate a few pieces), watched movie after movie, kissed a bit, cuddled, and eventually you fell asleep curled up next to him. Castiel watched as you slept, your face calm, a faint smile on your lips. He smiled at you, and held you tight. You were the picture of love and beauty and peace and kindness, and Castiel loved you with every fiber of his being, and with him being a celestial one, he had a lot of them. He never wanted to let you go. Not again. Never again.
"I have lived for hundreds of years, and I have made so many bad decisions in my life, but loving you," he placed a gentle kiss on your forehead, his words flowing into your dreams, "was not one of them."
-End of fic-
Hope you enjoyed!