imafuckup

life’s sad because you fuck up once and everyone judges you. they hate you for that one mistake. like they would only love you if you were perfect. and it sucks because they leave. you fuck up and they leave you without warning. get one thing wrong in your life and you’re marked forever. imperfect. ruined. crushed.

it’s unfair, but it’s true. & hey, I guess whoever said life wasn’t fair is right.

None of you will read this anyway

I HAVE THE LEAST SUPPORTIVE FAMILY IN THE WORLD. 

Me: I think i want to go to college for something history related

Parents: Well you didnt really do well in school, why dont you just go to the library and learn about history that way. 

Reality: I graduated on Honor Roll, got student of the month twice in my high school career, was invited to a picnic for students who go above and beyond to help out other students, also got the beacon award 3 times. 

Me:I really want to go to Cosmetology School to work on my makeup skills and become a Mortuary Makeup Artist, also i think it would help me with my special effects stuff. 

Parents: You need to focus on getting a job first. 

Reality: cosmetology  only takes a few months and at the end of the class i could get a job that i actually enjoy doing and i’d make more then minimum wage

Me: I think i might get a gym membership, i want to start working out and lose some of my belly. 

Mom: You’ll never go, dont even bother, it’s a waste of your money. 

Reality: i’ve been asking her to go to Zumba with me for 2 years and she always tells me no

Me: so there is this CNA class that offers paid training and after you take your test they give you a full time job with benefits.

Parents and Sister: Well you know you have to be nice to people in that field, also i hope you enjoy wiping peoples asses 

Reality: I enjoy helping people and i’m extremely nice. 

Me: I applied at a restaurant today as a 3rd shift server, hopefully i get the position because i had to close my bank account so we could but groceries. We need to save up some money or else we’re gunna have to move back in with mom and dad

Sister: You need to be super fucking friendly to get tips for that job, try somewhere else. You’ve always worked in retail and you always bitch about the people. 

Reality: Apparently i’m the only one who’s never allowed to complain about their job… also i lost my last job for not being aggressive enough. (go figure)

so now i babysit twice a week so i have enough money to pay my car payment and parts of other bills, until i find an actual job. but 320$ a month doesnt really cut it. I literally give every cent to my parents. 

CNA training starts next month but now i dont even know if i want to do it because i have no support for it except from my boyfriend. 

They wonder why i’m always angry with them or upset? it’s because my mom always either says something about my weight, how i owe them money when they “helped me out”, how i never finish anything or how i’m basically a fuck up. My mother is only nice to me when im sick, about 2 weeks about i was having kidney issues and was in so much pain, my bp was 210/120 and i was crying and screaming, i wanted to die. that was the first time my mom hugged me in months. MONTHS. i get no support and i feel like im a burden to them. 

i dont even know what to do anymore. i’m stuck. i’m a disappointment. i’m a fuck up. i’m a loser. i’m a nobody.

I just need some answers, or advice i guess…. 

Dont leave..
Idk what to do,i cant lose you again, you promised, I’m so scared of losing you idk what to do, i love you a lot and i cry just thinking about it, maybe I’m not good enough for you, maybe I’m a huge asshole and i’m sorry for that and I’m trying,i really am, i love you and you’re my one and only.i cant imagine losing you again, idk what i can do to make you stay,ill seriously do anything and everything for you, if its about me not doing anything ill seriously do what ever it takes to make you stay, but i mean if you don’t have feelings for me anymore than thats that, but i just hope you know i wanna spend forever with you,i wanna wake up next to you every morning and see that gorgeous smile of yours i want to taste your delicious cooking because i know for a fact you will make it into school and be a chef just like you want im not good with words but i just love you and need you you keep me sane
Were not even dating again but youre mine.

9:38 PM

it’s not late and i’m v confused, like i’m okay w: everything that has happened but scared but sad but okay? HOW DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE WTF! ((maybe it’s this cold rainy weather making me want 2 kiss u)) pls remember it’ll always be u, not him; im just dumb and destructive and if we ever did end up together, i’d hurt u but then again that’s stupid bc u could easily hurt me which u already have but then THAT’S contradictory bc i hurt u on Saturday and im so fkn sorry… I LOVE U!!!