A letter to the boy who thought (and who I thought) I would love him forever:
Can I say something? I heard what you said. It got back to me. It always gets back to me. And I want you to understand something, I’m not your toy. I’m not your play thing. I’m a human being, with thoughts, feelings, and goals that matter and that deserve to be respected.
That’s the difference between me now and me a few months ago. A few months ago I was on a yoyo string that always brought me back to you. A few months ago all it took was one little message and I was wrapped in you again. But I grew. I learned.
I learned that no matter how much you love someone you can not force them to love you. I learned that sometimes you have to love someone from a distance and miss them with no intention of bringing them back into your life. I learned to stop swimming oceans for a person who would only have to step over a drop of water for me but won’t. I learned people grow apart and that sometimes the way you have to show them you love them, is by letting them go. I learned to let go of things bad for me.
And you are bad for me. You are awful for me. They always warned us about cocaine, pot, alcohol, and cigarettes. They didn’t warn us about the boy who could make you feel on top of the world with his smile and crush you with his silence. They didn’t want us about how addicting the pain can be. I loved the pain because if it wasn’t there, it meant that I had moved on. It meant that you were no longer a crucial part of my identity. I didn’t know who I was if you weren’t apart of it. I felt as if I began with you and to end that part of my life would close a book. The finality of that is terrifying.
The problem is, I was erased from your identify ages ago. I have spent years leaving holes and spaces for you. You idiot. I wanted you to come back. I thought I needed you to come back. I thought I wasn’t me if I didn’t have you.
I was wrong.
No. I don’t need you. I never needed you. I realize that now. Yes, you were an integral part of who I am. You helped create me. You took an awkward, weird, shy girl and you taught her how to intermingle. You showed her how to make people at ease. You taught her social skills. You showed her the world through the eyes of someone like yourself. You helped her. Then you slowly burned her down. You crushed her. You left nothing but ash behind.
She rose from the ash. The girl who came up anew is not yours claim. She is mine. I will no longer leave places for you to jump in. This is no longer your story. It is mine. It is whoever comes along next.
So yes. I will always have your stupid phone number memorized like my own, even if I don’t have my own sibling’s, and I will still think of you every time I see sweet tarts. When I listen to certain songs or go certain places I will catch you there. But it won’t be you. It will be the memory of you and who you used to be. And in those moments I will remind myself that you are no longer him. That you too have grown and rose from your own ash to come out new. We are two separate people no longer intertwined.
And some nights, it will hurt. It will ache. I will cry because of the loss. The loss of a friendship and a love so pure, so true, so deep it could have moved mountains and changed history. But all stars fade. All fairy tales end. I will fall and I will crumble because for so long I didn’t imagine a future without you in it. But those nights will end.
And I will fall in love again. I will fall in love with the girl in the mirror who smiles just a little more timidly than she used to. Who looks out with eyes that know forever and goodbye contain the same amount of letters. I will fall in love again with the world. The broken yet beautiful world that has yet to write my whole story. I will fall in love again with a boy. The boy who grins and thinks I’m funny and worthy. Worthy of his attention, his respect, his effort. I will fall for him and I will be happy.
There’s a guy already. He has a gentle smile and a compassionate heart. His jokes are funny and he’s always kind. He is talented. He is handsome. He is incredible. And it might go no where, or it could somewhere. I don’t know yet, but I do know, he is not you. He is so much better. I have always deserved better. I will not settle this time. I am beginning to move on, like both of us though I never would.
But some nights. Some nights it will hurt. Tonight? It hurts.
Pot, Crack, Kokane, Meth, Long ago, the four nations lived together in harmony. Then, everything changed when the Kokane Nation attacked. Only the Drug Dealer, master of the four drugs, could stop them, but when the world needed him the most, he vanished……