It’s been five years and I admit that I can hardly write your name without feeling a sharp pain inside me. Time passes and this wound doesn’t heal, no matter what I do or who I talk, I keep thinking about you and it still hurts me the same way, or maybe even more.
It always seems like you go away, you disappear, being forgotten forever, but you don’t. Always, by the slightest recollection hiding somewhere deep in my head and my heart, you appear in my mind again.
You have stolen me a long time and maybe the happiest years of my life, but it certainly is not just your fault, because I haven’t been able to forget you or simply keep you static in my thoughts without feeling anything for you, so I blame myself every day of my life, for still loving you despite everything.
This will be the last time I write to you, even if you don’t read it. It will be the last time I show my feelings and emotions to you, the last time I feel this huge void in my chest because of the thought of you and the last time my tears blinded my sight for you.
I do not know if I hate you, but I’d do it. I do not know if I love you, but please do not be so. I do not know what I am and who I am.
There is a first love for everyone, and you’ve been mine. You made me feel things no one ever make me feel, but you’ve also made me cry and suffer as anyone.
Five years later, all I can do is say goodbye to you with a letter that you won’t read, and I have no other way to get rid of this pain invading my body every single day of my life. It was so big and steady my suffering for you, I could say that I already got used to it. I don’t remember what living without thinking of you is, without imagining your face, your voice, your smile, your gait and your hugs. I don’t remember what not remind you every moment is, because of any insignificant detail. I don’t remember what sleep is, instead of spending sleepless nights imagining you appear and stay by my side. I don’t remember what it feels like to feel complete, to be happy.
Many times I’ve tried to erase you from my life forever, but I’ve never been able to. I deceive myself into thinking that I hate you or I feel an absolute indifference to you. But if so, why do I think of you every day and why sink I down reminding you every night?
I never could have you and I’ll never have you. Sometimes I think that destiny put you in my life like a big stone that stands in the way of my happiness. I can’t move this stone alone, but I don’t know who to ask for help me to do it. I am alone in this because I am the only one who can change my own feelings.
There are many times when I remember one particular night. One night when I was drowning in tears and sobs, when I wanted only to be with you at any cost. One night when I couldn’t breathe. One night when I was not a person and when my eyes were dried and empty, as my heart without you. And you never belonged to me and you never will. My imagination is the only one who can help me to get you close to me. My memory keeps alive every single moment concerning you, but always without you. Always.
Although you disappointed me as no one else has done, I love you. I apologize if I ever did anything that could have affected to you in some way. I apologize for not being enough for you, even though you told otherwise. But above all, I apologize for not being with you. For failing give you caresses, unable to comfort you when you’re wrong, of not being able to know even where you are now or who is with you right now. You may be alone or maybe not. Anyway, I hope you always be happy and you live surrounded by people who can appreciate you as much as I have done. But I also ask me for my pardon for having been blind for many years.
Yes, I’m mad at you, but not like one of those tantrums little girl. My ego doesn’t hurt and I don’t cry for silly whims. What hurts me is my chest, my heart. I can’t breathe whenever I think about you, and now more than ever.
I am alone in my room and I am writing to you: my best friend, but my worst enemy; my first and only true love; my past, my present and my future; My best gift and my worst nightmare; my brother, my soul, my heart, my suffering and sorrow, you.
I really think I have good reasons to feel a great contempt for you, but my despair has reached the point that I don’t even want or contempt, I no love or hate, I just remember. I remember and I cry, and each of the tears sliding down my face is one of the words you told me and now I see that were not true. I don’t laugh as before, I don’t talk to people, I’m not like I was.
Once you said that I was a precious mistake to you. You were a beautiful blessing to me. As beautiful as the sunrises and sunsets, as the sea and the mountains, like the sun, moon and stars, and all the sirens of fantasy tales singing in unison a beautiful and unique melody. You were everything to me, and when you went away, you left me without anything. Now I’m empty and I can hardly breath with nothing inside my chest.
I’m not happy.
I’m not happy becaus of you.
You’ve changed me.
I won’t be like I was before I met you.
I won’t be myself anymore.
And all for you.
Because of you, because of your personality, because of your “I love you”, because of how happy you made me, because of the way I imagined you and how you made me laugh.
It has lasted for years and I don’t know how much longer I’ll hold like this. I just want this to end now.
I tried to clear my thoughts of you, but it always remains something tiny and insignificant.
This time, friend, I say goodbye to you. But I say goodbye from the bottom of my heart, from the depths of my body. I say goodbye forever, hoping that fate won’t cut my way with this huge stone again.
I wish you the best life anyone could have. But I also want you to remember me, to never forget me, or how much I loved you, because it hurts to think that for the person you loved most in your life, you’re nobody.
As I write this letter I reach more and more my thoughts and my words because I’m afraid to finish writing and, therefore, say goodbye to you forever.
My hands are shaking, my eyes just cry and my lips just pronounce your name again and again.
I’m afraid of losing you, despite having already done it. Despite you were never mine. But the time is here.
Friend, I loved you, I love you and I’ll always love you. I will never forget you and you will always be in my heart, regardless of the time spent or anything that I can live.
Forever and ever,
A Yellow Heart