*Trying my hardest not to cry*
How to start this, I don’t even know how to start without even crying, btch no.
Being there for everyone when they need you, when they need someone to cry on. When they don’t even know whom to turn to.. But why do I feel like, I have no one to lean on. *bursted into tears* (shuzku pano itu)
Yung di mo maramdaman na may kaibigan kang gusto kang makasama, na namimiss ka, na gusto ka ihug, na naappreciate ka. Yung mga kaibigang magpost ka lang na malungkot ka, nandyan na para icomfort ka, at icheer up ka. Yung sa mga panahong nadodown ka, nandyan sila para iparamdam sayo na kaya mo kasi naniniwala sila sayo. Yung alam mong for keeps. Yung parang boyfriend na magcacare sayo no matter what. Yung kahit na nagiging busy ka, pag may gala something, they don’t forget to remember you.
I don’t want to feel needy with their attention, maybe reality bites. Maybe it was my fault. Maybe ako talaga yung problema. Siguro, hindi lang talaga worth it para sa ganung kind of friendship. Maybe I have to face reality. Hindi ko alam yung dapat ko maramdaman right now eh. I have lots of friends before… but then I’ve lost them along the way. Ang funny funny na nasasaktan ako sa mga ganitong bagay. Ang funny na wala ako mapagsabihan kasi wala rin ako makukuhang comfort sa taong dapat kong pagsasabihan ko nito. Alam ko kasing hindi rin niya ako maiintindihan. Of course, he has a lot of friends, he doesn’t even know a glimpse of the way I am feeling. Ganern.
Grabe naman this post. :(
Jom was the only one left of me. Pero sometimes, I feel like I was never enough even for him. Especially in times na nag aaway kami or something, I feel like my world is crashing down. With him, I feel a little less comfortable with myself. Konting mali ko, feeling ko, I can be easily replaced. Konting mali ko, feeling ko pati mga kaibigan nya mali na yung tingin sakin. There were barely times I feel like I’m way too needy with his attention, it’s because, sya nalang yung nandyan for me, but then nasisira ko pa. Pag malungkot ako, I need to show him na masaya ako, kasi if not iisipin nya he did something wrong and I’m mad, when the truth is, I just want to feel comforted. I just wanted to feel someone who’ll hold me tight in those times. Namimis-interpret nya. Then Ibblame nya ang sarili nya, na ayoko maramdaman nya, then lalong magiging complicated lahat.
I wasn’t really myself at all.
He once told me he’s afraid of me when I’m mad. Kasi I tend to hurt myself. Di raw yun gawain ng normal person. I felt really really belittled. Na ganon na ba talaga kahina yung tingin nila sakin when they doesn’t even know half the way I am feeling. Siguro sa makakabasa nito, ewan ko lang kung naiintindihan nya ako kahit konti.
Ganito ba talaga kalungkot ang buhay ko?
Pero I am still hoping.
That one morning I’ll wake up that everything in my life would be shifted. That finally I could say, I’m over with all these pains and shits in life. Ganern.
But right now, I could do nothing but enjoy the pain of feeling everything when everything is falling apart.. and so am I.