i-worked-real-hard-on-this-and-im-proud!!!!

Hi. So I'm gonna get real personal for a sec. Bear with me.

So school is hard. And for a lot of you who have finals coming up or deadlines to meet, you’re realizing that you might not be able to prepare for all of it or meet all of those deadlines or whatever the case.

I have an assumed IQ of around 140. My mom, who went to college for psychology and worked with survivors of mental illnesses for most of her working life until I was around 10, strongly believes I’m somewhere on the autism spectrum. I struggled silently with depression, an abusive boyfriend, and thoughts of suicide until my junior year because up until then, I was convinced that the people who were telling me they cared about me were lying and just wanted something from me.

Starting the second semester of my sophomore year, I began to get stress induced migraines because I was so worried about my grades falling below what my family thought they should be at. I stopped wanting to go to school, I began failing tests, I missed an entire month of class due to my headaches. In short, my life sucked. When I got back to school, I had a month and a half left of class to get my grades up from a 1.9 current GPA. I ended my sophomore year with a 4.35 without any outside help. I took the most difficult AP exam in the nation that year as well, one that the average student has two years to prepare for. I had less than a year and passed it with a 4 (worth 2 college credits).

So what does this have to do with the price of tea in China? Well, I’ll tell you.

I graduated from the 224th most difficult high school in the US last Wednesday. This high school that supposedly cared about what I did with my life. I graduated top of my class with a 4.16 cumulative GPA and Academic Honors, recognized by both my senate and house representatives for busting my ass to get where I was by the end of my high school career. I’m going to my dream college, in a town that a lot of people don’t even know exist on a scholarship that covers ¾ths of the tuition.

My school is different in a lot of ways. They foster a blinding desire for success, adopting the cum laude system used by colleges rather than a high school class rank system. Our cum laude system is a little different though, based on the idea that the curriculum is designed for everyone to get above a 4.0 on a 4 point scale, cum laude is given to those select students who have a 4.2 cumulative GPA, magna cum laude is given to those who have a 4.4, and suma cum laude is given to those with a 4.6 or higher.

I missed cum laude by 4 hundredths of a point. Graduating with a 4.16 instead of a 4.2.

I almost had an anxiety attack the night cum laude awards were presented, and I graduated without an ounce of recognition from my administration for the hard work I put into school. All because I was below that 4.2 GPA. In the past 4 years, I’ve cried myself into headaches more times than I can count, had a number of panic attacks over deadlines, and have relapsed 3 times with self destructive habits I thought I had kicked at the end of my eighth grade year.

What a lot of people don’t understand is that school comes easy to me. It’s the one thing I truly understand in life. And yet I managed to go from a public school that completely didn’t care if I graduated or not, to a school that cared so much about my grades that it became unhealthy. Instead of recognizing everyone, they recognized maybe five students that got above average grades and whose parents are actively involved in the school’s activities. But because this school pushed me so hard, it terrifies me for college. All I’ve heard for the past 4 years is “this is what college is like” and things like “If you think this is a good paper, you’ll be in for a surprise when you get to college” and “college college college”. At graduation it was all about making sure we furthered our educations and went on to do spectacular things. As if we couldn’t do that without a college degree.

So yeah. I’m an incoming freshman in college, and the idea of having an anxiety attack six hours away from home in buttfuck Iowa terrifies me. Because school is hard. And I had to literally work my ass off to get where I got by the end of high school (Like…. I lost an assload of weight because I was so focused on assignments I would forget to eat), yet I’m pretty sure my principal couldn’t have told you my first name if she had a gun held to her head. And the idea of being a nobody again scares me a lot. It really does.

So for those of you who are finishing a year of college, whether it be your freshman, sophomore, junior, or even senior year. I congratulate you. Because you finished up an amazing part of your life and you made it the entire way. No matter what your struggle and no matter if you finished it with the outstanding thought that college might not be the right path for you, you tried, you persevered, and you finished an ENTIRE. YEAR. of some of the hardest schooling available to us.

So congratulations, and to those taking finals soon, good luck. 

*INSERT FATHERLESS BLACK GIRL HERE

*trigger warning for self harm, suicide, and alcohol abuse

My father is the type of man who makes the title
“daughter” seem like a curse.

Im bound to him until one of us dies…and I say one of us
instead if him because he makes a nine story jump
seem like jumping into bed after a long day at work.
And I know Ive been feeling real tired lately.

My father is the type of man who makes
rock seem soft
pillow seem hard
easy seem difficult
me seem difficult
black seem white
proud seem like earth-shattering disappointment
trying seem like failing
love seem like something foreign
love seem like hate
hate seem better than love
love seem like running a blade over my skin again and again
love seem like nothing Ive ever felt before
I blame him for the cutting
and myself for letting him have that much control over me

My father makes simple things seem complicated
and in turn I find the most frustration when looking at the person in my mirror every morning.

he is the type of man who will
drive off a bridge just to prove you wrong
car rides are scary

he would rather die than be proven wrong of defied
defied in this case meaning
me speaking up when I am disrespected…when he screams in my face…when he puts his hands on me…

No! I am not a slut…I am strong and I am human…
I am emotions and I am magic

But there’s a reason I force my way out of relationships
I don’t like physical contact anymore

I have his anger, his selfish determination, and his tendency to use words like swords

I get my height, and my strong voice, and my face from my mother’s mother

his mother died after years of calling alcohol her best friend and I’m afraid thats the only thing from her that was passed on to me
his face is at the bottom of every cup of mixed whatever
slut is at the bottom of every shot glass, behind every advance made at me, behind every nice guy, behind every tube of lipstick I own…My father hands come at my face every night when i close my eyes…I don’t like to sleep anymore

I look in the mirror and I see a sin…
an accident

He would rather die than see me grow into a person that I can begin to start loving

My father is the type of person who is incapable of loving
And I will die before I allow myself to see his face when I look in the mirror.

anonymous asked:

I don't know who else to tell but I was very worried that my GPA would dip below the required cumulative for two of my scholarships... But it didn't!!!! I definitely didn't do as well as I wanted but I'm so relieved I kept them even though I was sick most of the semester. Anyway, do you have any relaxation techniques when it comes to stressing about grades?

proud of you!!!!! congrats on your hard work ☀️

my favorite way to destress is to do an hour of hardcore cardio at the gym while watching gossip girl on netflix on my phone (or if the real housewives is on one of the tvs ill watch that) and then taking a nice long hot shower and putting on lots of lotion afterwards. doing this always calms me down and brings me back down the earth when im stressing about my grades and imagining all the worst case scenarios 

thunderdownongreenside replied to your post “thunderdownongreenside replied to your post “I just spent an hour in…”

IT'A GOING GREAT ACTUALLY I GRADUATE TOMORROW I’M GOING TO OFFICIALLY BE AN ADULT

OH MAN ARE YOU FOR REAL?!?! IM SO HAPPY FOR YOU!! Graduation is truly a one of a kind moment, even if you go off to college and graduate again. It’s always a wonderful experience to know your hard work has shown itself