I wrote everything in the tabs by accident. Fukin Mobil..I have issues.. This needs.. To be addressed to someone. The violent way I woke up was not normal..and who the fuck was this grandpa? I hate my real one. And the only person that I could recognise was a co worker….. That was.. Scary.. Rooted..
livedstudyi had a drwm like i gad never had. i woke uo screaminf. this drwam was reak. this was happening to me.until i woke up screaming. i libed with a grandpa. a mpther. and a father. oh mt god my geart still hurts. and a litlle brother. this one i knew. marcus. my brother. all artist. and we all lived kn a beautiful outside doorsey train system. not dirty like ny. no. trains went by our house. water river beneath us. beautiful fabtasy like place. but. this was real. how i was going to wprk there felt like i was goibg to work in real life. i loved mh grndpa in the dream. he was the father of my father. all od us artists. quiet people. kimd old man. quiet kind dad. quiet yet sweet marcus(mayb he wasnt my brother) and just quiet mo. long hair in pnytail.lived with the trains we heard the rumbles. we got used to it. we lved with it. no getting used to it. it was our life. i would paibt when the stats were out. marcuz and grandpa the roses from the rivers. dad watching on. paintong rarely. mom also. but never painted. grandpa one day rushed to me. ill take the reain woth you to work. by our home wealways use the train. just this one time he said. ok sure why not.we borded the train. sunight. ebough seats for us to sot. back of the train.thats wherw we in this simple life. no one stole. ee didnt have real like doors or roofs.no one locked the much doors we had. so when i went to take the rtrain from my home i just walked to it from my room and my grandpa (old as he was) decided to come along. never seen this grandpa beforebut i knew him all my life. like he loved me with real love like i loved him. family love. i was in bliss with my familh. we rode the train while talking and remonisong on things until it quicky got extreamly dark. too quick. i looked around and saw that we derailed. we were sinking. the back of the train was dipped father into the ocean that we were in the murkey part. my heart was racing. but i was calm because i saw my calm determined grandfather. we walking kn the uphill like manner of the train. i was worried the wondows would burst and weed sink drown more. but i diddnt have that. we opened the windiw slowey with the other stray people in the train. the water seeped in slowley. enough for me to skip out. i grapeeb people iut along the way when i realized it was possible. my grandfater. i loved him. he made sure people jn our cart hot out first. in this dream. going between carts dindt reach the outside world. so we both went through carts without disturbing the peace of the water pressure. we had to move wuick because each cart we opeend the windows slowley to let people out would make the trains sink deeper.it was surrea. saving people. we werent even far from home. i was thibking how cool itd be to sgare with marcus whike mom nodded in the back and gtandpa adding quirky things too intil we heard a thicj groan. and it all happened ao quick. my grandpa was old but he pushed me theough like our fith cart rescuong window and said hed be back out. i got out i bbbed back into the train station that we werent even far away from . made sure the people that got out was ok. too quick. i was scrraming to save him. wtf. the train sunk too far.emergency pille werent listeningabout the back of the traintgat was too far gone. save the ones that you can and im just like. is everyone fuckin nut. matvus saw.marcus please. i was in hysterics. and then a week past i was numb. j remeber nothing until i rraoised a month passed. two. a year passed. mu grandfather died that day saving people. saving me. and i was still shocked. maecus and mom got quieter as did mmy dad. but sadder.marcus rarely drew. as did mom and me. my hreaet wasnt regerstering. i finally spike to narcus. we can.. still get him right? im confused as fuck. how could i? i could have not let him gonwith me. it was my fault. he didnt have too. why diddnt anyone else? wtf.... i was dazed. and he understood. 2years and we all were quiet but misplaced quiet. marcuzs let his friends over and a bit of normalcy went back in. mom didnt like us drawing anymore. but i was ok. i diddnt draw anyways. candy thiyg certain books began to get banned from iur home. suprisingly i noticed it was thingsbthat reminded us of our grandpa. dad was quiet and listened tonour mom that got invreasinly controlling and strong. it looked like their marriage was getting shitty because she would have guy friends over and sadly my dad became pushovery.he would thougb come in our rooms and sneak in a candy. the rumbling of the train helped keep mom distrated from dad sbeaking in the normal things that she banned from us. i woyld sniffle a bit. my heart hurt. he also snuck me and marcus a pad and pencils. he had a sweet sad smile. we still had paint and ohter things in iur house but we never had touched it in so long. i was getting older and realised.. we diddn have to hode this. mom bought friends over alot and would fake her happeiness. it was bs. marcus would draw but woukd flip the page noncholantly when mom would walk by to make it look like he was studying. he was still a great artist. that night i said fucki it.i painted. mh mom diddnt say anything because she was faking it to be nice looking with friends. i painred with my fingers because i think she threw away the brushed that she found longa ago. she didnt find our paint. the guesy koved it. narcus loiked shocked but continued to woth a shocked expresion dad was out doing something.always out doing something. i dont blame him though. mom wws so mad last night.she threw such a fukin tantrum and we fukin let her. dad came back and silently took her verbal abuse. you make a fukin mess with this shit. this is all shit. you as the father shoukd have tought her better. you as the brother should hve done something. yout all fucjin worthless. and just like the trakns that we got used to. we got used to our abusive momther. some fays later she decided we should move. somewhere quirtr and safer. someone could rob us if ee dont have a roof or a door.i diddnt want to thibk it but she alos thought of train derailing too. we could avoid it destroyong us. she also wanted to rid the memory of our grandpa.. bit she didnt say any of that. i agreed with her sound logic. safer. change of sceanery. privacy and safty. we moved and it was too quit. the silence threated to deafen me. why was it so liud. i couldnt sleep. me and marcus slept in the smae room. at night when we knw mom knocked out. he would show me some skills. i did too. it was so secret. dad would come by and sneak sweets and other things. this was normal. it was depressing. ecen more so. then before. we locked our doors. we had no stars. and we coyld onky see the ourside if we opedned our windows or stepped out our doors. we moved far from tge teain sytmes. it was making it hard to rwmeber.i grew enough balls to paint again. we moved bit we still had something she thoufht she threw away paint. so i painted. broad daylight in our home. red faced woman. but guests. she had guests..... but j was so fuckin wting. her friends eere just as evil. mh father helped . go. go he said.her friends loved my art. it was masterpeices. my skills. she then decided to kill me. her hand reached for my thrigh and i jsut. dipped. my heart. my fuckjn heart. why was my life like this. my mother did no help. my fayher was defeated. marcus went out. didnt see this crippling edamaging life event. bot as bad as loosing my grandfather but it was happening. whar outcome? i ran. my feet the wind my yeart . i felt it all. i started screaming. this black woman came at me as j ran to the doors od a school. receptionist was in a corner. i ran ti her please. please help. nothing came out. sge looked weireded out. like wyf you ok? i looked back and she was theee. no reaction time. she lunged at me and i screaned i was screaning and haward was screaming wake up wake uo??!wtd you ok. its ok shut up shhhhh. i had i dream. wtf. it was a dream? but it wasnt. it was too. real. i never had such a lucid dream. im happy im wtiting it. not forheting it. but. .... i ...what haooened. the realbess. my life.... ..this lifw that haopened?? haward in a grumpy yet worried caring coice.said look get a blamket. you want the fan. look go back to sleep. i was still on shock. this all was a dream?