Ive not wrote on this for ages, so alots changed. On the 20th of March the day of the eclipse. I took a pregnancy test and guess what, im pregnant. Youre told to wait 3 minutes it came up instantly. Martyn was there we were happy, although i was extremely overwhelmed. We told my mum because i had no clue what to do now, she was ecstatic and supportive it took some of the anxiety away . Then martyn decided he’s telling his mum, did he ask how i felt, what i wanted. No as per usual martyn did not consider my feelings at all. My expectations have not met my reality. Im head over heels for martyn i mean i did say yes to spending the rest of my life with him. But i honestly thought he would be so supportive. I have no one to talk to and im still feeling extremely overwhelmed. This weekend I tried to talk to him about it he shut me out, i recieved no attention.
I’m hurt more that after the pregnancy test he didn’t ask how I was feeling or is this what i wanted or even ask if it was ok to tell his mum. Truth is I had no input at all. Im the one whose responsibility is to be carrying this baby should i not have input? I didnt want martyns mum knowing. He would know if he actually let me talk to him or asked how i felt, thats it wasn’t a good idea. How much stress,anxiety and pressure im now feeling. His mum was happy and is supportive im thankful for that. But thats how much harder it makes does he not consider my feelings at all. I feel like I have this new massive responsibility and whatever its fate is, is my doing. Does he not understand how fucking scary that is! He mentioned why he wanted to say, oh i would feel ill not sleep. Does he not realise that is how I now feel. I should be happy, I am. But im not at the same time. Im so fucking scared and disappointed. Im disappointed at how martyn is not what i expected him to be like. Im disappointed how hes only considered himself in the situation. My anxiety was bad enough before this, right now i literally feel like my thoughts are tornados of worry. Im so hurt thats this happening is one of the biggest things of my life and im having input and no support from the one I love.
I cant even talk to him right now, i feel completely alone i cant confess to anyone how im feeling because im under so much pressure. This weekend martyn was like talking or said something and I got snappy does he not realise that I can still loose it this early. Its not him thats going to have a small person dead inside them if it does (i hope not). Its not him that has to feel this pressure and responsibilty. I honestly just want to hibernate until it is 12 weeks. But i cant im still a student ! I have the pressure of this and college on my shoulders. I should be happy and estactic but all i feel is worry and dispointment of the love of life not being who i thought he is.
things need to get better.