All I Want (Calum Hood)
Anonymous said: “Can you do a song imagine on a Calum on the song name All I Want by Kodaline? It would make my day please.”
Sorry that this took so long for me to get to, but I hope this still makes your day. x and I hope you don’t mind my take on this.
Every night, Calum relived the same painful memory in his dreams and every time, his eyes would open as his body jerked up from the bed. He would look over and see nothing but an empty space beside him – the space where you should have been. Letting out a breath, he’d lay back down, suddenly in tears because of the loneliness he had felt without you by his side, and all he could think about was when you said your last goodbye…
With Calum being in a band, you knew what you signed up for the day you met him, but when things got serious between the two of you, you decided that no matter how hard the relationship might be, he was worth it. You have been through so much with him in the past few years. You’ve had so many great memories in your relationship, he was always such an amazing boyfriend to you, you were there to support him every step of the way in his career, and you were there for him when things got a little too much for him to handle. You loved him so much, you never wanted to let him go. But even with all of the good things, you still had your downsides. And now that 5 Seconds of Summer was on their first headlining tour, you realized that maybe you couldn’t keep up with Calum’s life anymore.
Because you missed Calum so much after only a couple of weeks into the tour, you decided to visit him and stay for as long as you could. Calum was more than excited to have you with him on tour, but after watching him on stage every night over the next few weeks, you began to feel different about your relationship. You were so proud of Calum and you knew that his band would be around for a very long time, but you just wondered how much more of it you could take in your relationship – from the rumors of him cheating, to him being gone and missing him, and flying halfway across the world just to see each other. To you, it felt like this was all it would be with Calum because as long as the band was around, you knew that’s how things would stay. Knowing how important the band was to him, you would never make him choose between you and his best friends, so you decided it was best to leave.
“Baby, please don’t go,” Calum begged you as you packed your things.
“I have to,” you said sadly through tears. “I just can’t do this anymore.” You threw your last item into your luggage and closed it. You headed towards the door, but he grabbed your arm gently.
“This is hard for me too sometimes, Y/N. But I love you so much, I can’t imagine my life without you. Don’t you love me too?” He cried.
“I do. But as much as I love you, I’m tired, Cal.”
He let go of your arm and wiped his tears with the back of his hand.
You looked down as you wiped your own tears, “Where do you see this relationship in, I don’t know, five years?”
“I see myself marrying you,” he answered, taking your hand only for you to pull away.
“I wish I could see that,” you whispered. “But I don’t,” you looked at him again. “All I see is me sitting at home, missing you. I know I said that I knew what I was getting myself into, but watching you on stage every night? I see how much this all means to you. It’s your life. But I just don’t know if I can keep up with it forever. I have my own life back home and I can’t just drop everything and get on a plane to see you every time we miss each other.”
“Please,” he begged.
You shook your head, “And when you’re away, all I see are pictures of you going out at night and rumors of you cheating on me.”
“I would never–”
“I know you wouldn’t,” you continued. “But deep down, it does hurt me and I’d be lying if I said it didn’t worry me at least one bit… I don’t know,” you shook your head again as you shrugged. “Say we do get married in five years. I know for a fact that you’ll still be in this band and if you are, then this relationship will always be the same. I just can’t stand to spend more than half of this relationship away from you.”
“You promised me that you would stay no matter what. You said it was because you loved me,” he said quietly, his voice shaking.
“You don’t get it,” you almost shouted. “I do love you, more than anything in the world. I know that should be enough, but it’s killing me on the inside! I just don’t know if I could keep up with your life, and every bad thing that comes with it in our relationship, for God knows how many more years! I just feel like I need something more. I need someone that I can actually be with because waiting for you like this, it kills me. Don’t even think about quitting the band for me because I won’t let you,” you stated. “We just can’t keep doing this because in the end, I know it’s gonna hurt. So we might as well move on now.”
“You know I can’t do that,” he sobbed. “Don’t ask me to move on because that’s asking me to stop loving you and I can’t do that. Ever. I’m sorry that I and everything that we’ve ever had isn’t enough for you. I wish it was.”
“It was enough.“
“But now you’re just throwing it all away,” he said almost angrily.
“I’m not,” you countered. “I will always remember you and everything we had. I’m so sorry, Calum. I’m just so tired,” your breath hitched as you continued to cry, “None of this is your fault. It’s mine. It’s my fault that I couldn’t hang on any longer. Maybe the timing is just wrong, maybe we’ll end up together again somehow. But right now, I’m tired.”
Calum scoffed and sat down on the bed with his head in his hands as tears continued to fall from his eyes.
”I love you, Calum,” you whispered. “Goodbye,” he heard you say before walking out the door.
Even after everything you had said that day, Calum still didn’t understand it and ever since, he felt himself slowly dying on the inside and he was no longer the same. He would smile for others and continue to put on a show every night on stage, but he was never really happy. He was always hurting deep down.
Luke, Michael and Ashton could tell how much he was hurting and could see how much he had changed. He only talked when he needed to and after every show, he’d go straight to the hotel.
“We’re going out for dinner,” Luke told Calum. “Wanna come?”
“No. I’m just gonna head back to the hotel and get some rest,” he answered.
“Are you sure?” Michael asked, concerned.
“Yeah,” he nodded. “I’m really tired.”
The boys exchanged looks and Ashton sighed, “Talk to us, Cal.”
“What do you mean?” Calum’s brows furrowed.
“It’s been two months,” was all Ashton needed to say for Calum to know what he was talking about.
Calum looked down and stuffed his hands in his pockets, “I’m fine, guys.”
“No, you’re not,” Michael frowned. “You’ve barely said a word since…” He trailed off. Knowing how much it hurt his best friend, he couldn’t say it directly.
“We’re just worried about you,” Luke stepped in. “We just wanna make sure you’re okay.”
“Okay,” Calum’s voice wavered. “I’m not fine,” he admitted. “I haven’t been fine since the day she left me because as much as I try to, I just don’t get it. I thought she loved me. She brought out the best in me and I can’t even remember who I was before I met her. It just feels like a part of me is missing and it makes me feel dead inside. So forgive me for acting this way, for not being able to move on after all this time.”
Ashton looked at him sadly, “We’re not upset with you in any way, we’re just–”
“Worried. I know,” Calum rubbed his eyes before the tears could fall. “And I appreciate your concern…” He shook his head, “She made it clear that she was done and all I want is to be able to find somebody again someday.” He paused, trying to think because he was only lying to himself. “I keep telling myself that I’ll find somebody like her, but no matter how hard I try to convince myself, I know it won’t happen. Because all I want and need is her. I…” He took a deep breath to hold back his tears. “I’m going back to the hotel.”
The boys stared sadly as Calum walked away.
“What are we gonna do?” Michael sighed. “We all know he’s never gonna get over this. How do you think Y/N is doing?”
“Are you really asking that?” Luke turned to Michael. “You know how much they love each other, their love was basically made for movie screens. Even though this was her idea, I know for a fact that she’s doing just as bad as he is. She probably just doesn’t know how to fix it.“
“But now, we do. I think she just needs a little help,” Ashton insisted.
Another month had gone by and still, nothing had changed. Calum still shut people out and he still laid in bed every night with tears in his eyes, thinking, “If you loved me, why’d you leave me?” He thought about all the times where you promised to stay because he was worth it, because you were in love with him, because you couldn’t picture yourself with anyone but him. As much as he thought about your reason for leaving, he just couldn’t understand it considering every promise you had ever made. So he asked that question almost every day.
Calum hoped that he would be able to find someone again, but the truth was that there wasn’t anyone like you. He couldn’t imagine himself with anyone else. It was true that you brought out the best of him – a part of him that he had never seen. You changed his life, you were his first love, you were the one that made him realize what true happiness was, and the one who kept him sane throughout his career. He could never love anyone in the way that he loved, still loves, you. Without you now, he didn’t know how to be happy anymore. He missed you terribly and wished that he could fix it, he wished that he had tried harder and stopped you from saying goodbye. At this point, all he wanted was to see your face once more because even if he couldn’t fix it, he was sure that he could somehow be happy again just from seeing you one last time. All he wanted was nothing more than to hear a knock at his door, and to see you standing on the other side of it.
He woke up the next day, surprisingly feeling a little different. Maybe it was because for the first time, that memory didn’t return in his dreams. Though he was still hurting, there was a small part of him that felt okay. He didn’t know what it was, but he just felt like eventually, things would be okay. He went on with his day, but throughout, that feeling in his heart stayed with him. It didn’t make any sense to him because how could he possibly feel any better when all he did for the past three months was keep himself and his emotions hidden and bottled up? Or when he hadn’t even spoken to you once? Then there was a knock at his door. And when he stood up and opened it, he froze.
It was you. Calum was too shocked to speak, he just stood there and stared at you. At first he felt like he was dreaming, then when he realized this was all real, he became nervous. He didn’t know what to expect from your visit. Were you here to fix things or did the guys call you and send you to their hotel just to get Calum out of the mess he was in? But the longer Calum looked at you, he noticed that you didn’t seem upset in any way, you almost smiled, and he realized that that good feeling – the feeling that everything would be okay – was this. All he wanted was nothing more than to see your face again and he couldn’t believe that you were standing at his door after all these months. And for the first time in three months, Calum smiled. “Y/N,” he whispered.
You smiled with tears suddenly rushing down your face, “Hi, Calum.”
A/N: I tried my best to work with the song and the idea that I had, but now I don’t know if I like it bc I feel like it didn’t follow the song as much as I wanted it to bc the background parts I did (especially on their relationship) turned out longer than I expected and pls just let me know how you liked it okay bye