i did it last night

I’m not sure if this is a “here’s this strange but relatable thing about the intersection of emotion and physicality” post or a straight-up “Andy has a weird brain” post. Let’s find out!

So I’ve dropped and cracked my phone twice, once in front of people and once on my own. When I dropped it in front of other people, I said “Shit!”, furrowed my brow, and did all these other little bodily gestures that you would instantly recognise as “this guy is upset about what just happened”. When I dropped it on my own, though, I didn’t react bodily at all. I registered what happened, registered my annoyance at myself and concern about where it would fit into my fairly-tight budget, and just immediately started thinking calmly about when I’d next be free to go get the screen repaired. There was no outward reaction of frustration.

Do other people experience such a sharp split in reactions? Do you sometimes wonder how much of your bodily responses to things are a social performance aimed at letting other people know what you’re feeling? Despite the difference being so stark for me, I don’t feel like I was being dishonest when I performed the expected gestures of “shit I just broke my phone” — it’s more like a method of using commonly-understood physical signals to situate myself in a social space and communicate how I’m feeling about what just happened. It’s kinda like another language we’re all using.

But when I’m on my own, my internal emotional life stands on its own. It doesn’t need to prove itself to anyone, including me. So I don’t need to perform being upset, or focus on having the ‘appropriate’ emotion. When I’m on my own, I can really sit with the shitty thing that just happened, and think about what it actually means for me. It’s not that I have no emotional reaction, or that I repress the one I do; it’s just that when I’m alone, I can do all the processing I need to do quickly and silently. When I’m with people, the need to make myself socially explicable makes the process take longer, and probably shapes its arc more than a little.  

In normal social circumstances, my physicality appears just as involved in my emotions as anybody else’s: I pump my fists in triumph, grimace in defeat, etc. But when I’m on my own (and so don’t have to worry about other people taking me as an unemotional robot weirdo), I can relax and process things — even things way worse than breaking my phone — with a quiet mind. My physicality isn’t involved. The phone example is kinda trivial, I know, but I’ve also read emails that, if there were a hidden camera in the room, it would have been impossible to tell from my face that they contained totally devastating news. It’s not that I’m not experiencing emotional reactions; I am, and sometimes very strong and contradictory ones. It’s just that everything that needs to happen for me to deal with those emotions happens internally; the external stuff is just signposts for anyone else present about what’s going on.

Is it like that for other people? It definitely doesn’t seem like it is for everybody. I’ve seen people kicking walls caught on CCTV; I’ve heard people talk about screaming into their pillow when no-one’s around. I can only assume that lots of people experience disappointment and anger in a more physical way than I do. It would make sense if that were more the norm, because those standardised codes of physical reaction seem to be at least partially based on that sort of experience (the expectation of that sort of involuntary bodily reaction to emotive stimuli). But I wonder what the proportion is of people like me, who just perform those same reactions to make themselves understood? I wonder how much what we emotionally perform feeds into our actual emotional life? I wonder to what degree we are conditioned to actually experience emotions bodily in those ways, because of their social usefulness as covalent signals?

I’m … not doing a great job of making myself seem like not a robot, am I?

wednesday.

- goal: not eat like an asshole. actual: ate, or rather didn’t, eat like an asshole. work was crazy busy and all of a sudden it was 5:30 and time to head home. no food consumed. but, i oped for soy instead of milk and caribou so that’s a win, although i did give in to a small blizzard from dairy queen so that’s a big minus. it’s hard living in this lactose free world. we’ll see what my tummy says about this ice cream treat.

+ goal: listen to my body. actual: i chose to skip my run and give my body another day of rest. i did some serious trigger point like work on my foot last night and i think it helped. my foot feels a million times better and i’m looking forward to running tomorrow if. my. body. says. to.

one out of two… i think this can be a win.

2

Donuts and goal paces.

We did a one mile test to determine new goal paces. I’d been aiming for 9:30-10:00 for my long runs based off a mile time of 6:48. New test today means new goals! 6:24 mile means 8:45-9:15 long run pace. Maybe even in to the 8:30s. My tempo went from 8:00ish to 7:30ish. I did 7:47 on my strength run last night so I guess I need more of that.

Honestly I’d been working off my goal of a 3:30 marathon and building my pace goals around the 8:00/mile. My coach is looking at my single mile time and building my goals around it, which is much bigger picture. So time to keep stepping up.

Ugh… Posting from mobile to let you guys know that you may or may not be getting an April Fool’s Day comic today. I did most of it last night and thought I could finish and post real quick today, but I’m dealing with some infuriating, unforeseen Internet complications.

I almost didn’t even post this because I realize many of you will just assume it’s a super lame April Fool’s joke, but I hate missing a day of posting without explaining myself, so here you go.

~ Froggy, your very sorry, very frustrated admin

2

Now this is a lunch!!!

I forgot to add the carrots to the tracking because it was a last minute addition, but we know it’s 0 points.. I had leftover carrots from my hummus snack yesterday, so I cooked them in the microwave to go with lunch.

I am so glad I took time to make this last night for today! What did you have for dinner?

the-frenchpress I couldn’t find the tracker for my seasoning, so what is listed isn’t exactly is. But all I used was Target brand bbq dry seasoning. Yummy!

I made an OK Cupid once for a few hours just to see what happened and I got a lot of messages and the more I got, the more put off by the site I was?? idk why

someone literally messaged me saying “Did you see Better Call Saul last night” and I was like “YESSS OH MY GOD! WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THE PROGRESSION FROM JIMMY TO SAUL” and they were like “lol idk you’re cute though”

STOP USING SAUL TO GET TO ME…..THIS IS UNFAIR HE IS MY BIGGEST WEAKNESS