Okay, so the story is when I was younger I thought girls were neat. This was kindergarten, but due to socialization I knew liking girls wasn’t the norm. However this didn’t mean I just switch to guys, I always liked guys too. They pretty dope. But again, I felt kind of self conscious about liking girls because being gay or lesbian or whatever was a bad thing, well I thought as a kid. So I put those feelings behind me and only focused on boys, well, barely. I wasn’t boy crazy until end of middle school.
Fast forward to 8th grade is when I had my first real girl crush and I was flipping out. Like woah, is this normal. I mean I like like her. How do I deal with my gay ass feelings??? Her name was Arianel or however you spelt it. So, I remember I just would try to crack jokes and try to get senpai to notice me..but she got a girlfriend so I was really sad face.
That is when I realized I truly wasn’t straight, even though I would joke about how straight. (Lord knows I’m like spaghetti once put into boiling water, anything but straight..that joke worked better in my head) But anyways, then 9th grade I identified as bisexual but on the DL. It wasn’t until my second boyfriend (Trevor boy) came into the mix that I came out as bisexual. That was 11th or 12th grade.
But here’s the cool part, I didn’t officially identify as pansexual until recently. Like maybe a year? This was me actually questioning my sexuality. Does gender really matter to me? Does someone identifying as girl or boy really matter? Do they have to be cis? Does their sexuality matter? And all of it pointed towards no. Literally I didn’t have the picture perfect guy or girl in my head, I had the person but they were completely nonbinary. I think I realized it more when I had my last crush..or like? Idk, I just got over liking this guy who is bi but more leaning towards guys, and I didn’t care. He acted really feminine and he was just like me and that was really cool. He was cool and I took him a part, like everything that people could label him as and it didn’t matter.
Idk if that makes sense, sexuality is very confusing. I don’t really like labels but I label myself as pan or just queer.
Also mad long, sorry!