125 Letters to H: #1 "If it starts hurting, it means you care and if you care enough to hurt, then you are in love"
January, 14 of 2015
Its been quite a while since I thought about doing this. I dont even know what this is, I guess this is just the only way I can truly say what I feel and dont be
ashamed of it. Its 6:46pm and Wherever You Are by 5SOS is the only thing I can listen to because since no so long ago I realized that I needed to say some things but I did not know how. I have been going back and forth with all my emotions lately and I dont know how to get them under control, I dont know if this is because Im a teenager of if it theres something really wrong with me. I dont know. The day I found out about you I spend the whole afternoon stuck in my computer watching all kind of videos of you and I just didnt know how to feel about it because day by day I was falling more for you and in one point you were everything I could think about. God, I was fourteen and I was completely and helplessly in love with you without even knowing it. I just, I dont know, I guess you had something, you showed me something that no one else had shown me before; I used to believe that when I found Justin he saved my life and got me out of the hole I was living in, I thought that for three years (I found him when I was 11) but then you just showed up and showed what true hapiness felt like and since that moment I knew things were gonna end up this way because I just cant stop think of you and it actually sucks because I know that you will never think of me. Even if you get this letter.
Im gonna be 18 soon H, and Im gonna go to college, and meet new people and grow up but the thing is… The thing is that I dont know how to get over this, over you. Why cant I stop feeling this? Why do I keep feeling this emptiness in my chest everytime I think of you? I actually know the answer but I dont even what to say it out loud because if I do that it will be real and Im not sure if I can deal with that. You know, one day on tumblr I read something that reminded me of you because that post was screaming your name, it was screaming my feelings and thats when I knew that I was totally screwed; its something like this "If it starts hurting, it means you care and if you care enough to hurt, then you are in love" kinda cheesy and stupid huh? but damn it was all I could think about for a month and after that this idea came up, at the beggining this was supposed to be something like “125 to Him” and I was determined to write you one everyday and maybe have more 125 but then there were some days when I couldnt find a single thing to tell you because everything I tiped felt like it was not good enough so I forgot about it but today, today I just couldnt keep holding it inside.
Im looking for colleges and universities but my search always took me to one specific place and I know exactly why. London, since the first (and only time) I was there I fell completely in love with the city and wanted to come back, to go to college there and get a degree in literature or something like that because thats what I want to be, but then again I just couldnt stop think of you and that if I moved there I could feel closer to you and its sick because why would I want to feel closer to someone who I dont even know? And again I just dont know what the hell is wrong with me. So, tell me how do I forget about you? I feel like I need to do that so I can move on because this love is sickening me, it stoped from being amazingly beautiful to be one of my biggest pains, knowing that Im never going to meet you, knowing that if I do you will never look at me the way I do, knowing that there is never gonna be a “You and Me” between us is hurting me and I just need to know how to make the pain stop and go away because right now I literally can relate to the lyrics in Half a Heart because thats the way I have been feeling lately. H things change, nothing last forever and nothing stays the same.
I know you are not gonna answear this, god, you are never gonna see this but I guess I had to give this thing a shot, because if I keep going on like this Im pretty sure it wont end good and I need to be good, to feel good because I need my future, Im not like you, Im not like those girl who get tickets to meet you five times a year, so I need to make things work, I need to make things right for once and Im not really sure that letting things go around like this again will work for me.
I love you;