October 1, 2009
  1. Delta Burke, meet Megan Fox. Megan Fox, meet your future.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 118
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 85
  3. "Why do I have to wear two pairs of underwear?" she asked as I buckled her car seat. "Be quiet dear," I said. "Daddy wants the leaderboard."
    @weselec (Shane Cyr) – 76
  4. Google Wave seems like an ideal tool for collaborating on any project you’ll talk about a lot but never actually do.
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 74
  5. Hey everyone. I’ve started this petition that is going to force Twitter to allow us to make posts that are 141 characters long. Who’s with m
    @blankslate (Alex) – 69
  6. Don’t think for one moment that I won’t ruin this family for our own reality television show.
    @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 69
  7. Hey! What’d I say about playing in Daddy’s opium den? Yeah, I don’t remember, either.
    @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 68
  8. I really need to study right now so it’s imperative that my cats get this dance routine down quickly so I can get back to it.
    @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 65
  9. The best part about our make-up sex is the fighting.
    @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 63
  10. iPhone: bip-BEEP
    Me: Play…album…”Born to Run”
    iPhone: Why don’t you just gaymarry Bruce?
    Me: Shut UP
    iPhone: Playing album “Born to Run”
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 58
  11. Ask not what a Klondike bar would do for you, but what you would do for a Klondike bar.
    @aedison (Avery Edison) – 54
  12. Me: Stop selling Peet’s?
    Whole Foods gal: Yeah, they’re not a… moral company.
    M: Their CEO’s against health care?
    W: …
    M: Good coffee
    W: Yes
    @gruber (John Gruber) – 54
  13. "Dad? If God made us, then who made God?" I stared at him, knowing my answer could guide his life forever… "Shut-up and eat your Cheetos."
    @FriedWords (Derek) – 53
  14. Accidentally deleting 40G of music is actually pretty freeing, what with the pants-shitting and all.
    @kellydeal (kellydeal) – 52
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 52
  16. My penis just popped out the slit of my boxers, I think that was the best sex I had all month.

    I need a cigarette.
    @GPappalardo (Soap Box Liberal) – 52
  17. The politically correct term is ‘predatory facial hair’, not ‘molestache’. However, if you insist, I suppose you can call it my ‘moistache’.
    @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 51
  18. When talking to blind people, it’s very important to give feedback. That’s why I say “I see” to them a lot—it lets them know I’m not blind.
    @plaid_lemur (Nick Alias Plemur) – 51
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 50
  20. If by “wrong side of the bed”, you mean “bathroom floor”, then yes. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.
    @Aimee_B_Loved (Aimee B) – 49

I was going to write something here about the sheer brilliance of Merlin’s new project but then I came across this and I want to bask in the sheer brilliance of this.

These words are the final layer on the portrait of my future I’ve been painting in my mind for the past six months. 

I need this framed or stitched or tattooed or permanently etched in my brain. 

Any time you identify by what you are not, for myself, when you determine your politics and rights based on what you are not, I think you’re not on the road to empowerment. I think you’re on the road to systematically, mindfully marginalizing yourself.
—  Merlin Mann, Roderick On The Line
September 28, 2009
  1. They are letting me take baby home now, obviously they don’t follow me on Twitter.
    @GPappalardo (Soap Box Liberal) – 117
  2. They’re so cute when they’re sleeping. I’ll fix the gas leak later this afternoon maybe.
    @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 109
  3. Jim doesn’t like it when I say we got married for health insurance, so I’m telling everyone we got married so we could finally have sex.
    @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 108
  4. I always flash an insufferably smug smile to Kindle Guy as I continue enjoying my book during our final descent.
    @gruber (John Gruber) – 87
  5. Canadians *do* say “fuck”.

    We just pronounce it “I’M SORRY”.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 86
  6. In today’s performance, the role of Monday will be played by Keanu Reeves.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 73
  7. in my car, pondering how weird it is that I “drive” on a “parkway” & “masturbate” in your “driveway.”

    also, you may wanna get some drapes.
    @theduty (duty) – 73
  8. I really hate the person who writes the scripts for my inner monologue.
    @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 64
  9. I’m finally off oxygen and can’t wait to go home so I can shop for some new fall hats!
    @LucyKateHopkins (Lucy Kate Hopkins) – 64
  10. At my apartment, we play The Floor is Covered in Lava every day! Except the lava is laundry. And you can step on it.
    @zolora (Theresa Couchman) – 58
  11. Exclusive: Are Fake Hypothetical Questions Just Easy Link Bait for Dumbasses?

    Find out “after the jump” »
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 56
  12. History is written by those with administrator rights on Wikipedia.
    @toldorknown (Arch Stanton) – 56
  13. Not sure I buy Ahmadinejad’s explanation that the second facility is for developing Stuffed Crust Pan Pizza technology.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 56
  14. Recent headlines featuring Roman Polanski and MacKenzie Phillips lead me to one conclusion: Britney Spears is behaving herself.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 54
  15. The more I view her line of products, the more I question how “little” Debbie actually was.
    @kolchak (The Night Stalker) – 54
  16. If you ever find yourself standing alone in the kitchen wondering if a grape will fit in your nose, it’s time to get out of the house.
    @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 53
  17. Every time someone rolls their eyes and goes, “I want some of whatever YOU’RE on!” I wish I was on someone always punching them in the face.
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 53
  18. I was having a pretty crappy day, then someone gave me swedish fish and now I am a little bit fatter and my teeth are going to rot out.
    @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 52
  19. Looking up Internet slang in my tehsaurus.
    @JephKelley (Jeff Kelley) – 52
  20. Thanks, Twitter. I don’t read Garfield anymore, so I forgot which day of the week sucks most. Now, can anyone recommend a baked pasta dish?
    @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 50
"You Look Nice Today" poster now available!

* Posters are slowly leaking out of a very expensive printer in the back of a local print shop *



You can now show off to your “friends” how cool you are.

How you ask?

Well with this fancy piece of paper that displays your love for two and half men (HA!) who speak about nonsense life stuff for half an hour.

How much will your wallet suffer for this great life improvement?

A mere 30$ canuck bucks (+S&H).

So why are you still reading this?

Did I mention only 50 of these are available?

If I were you I would skip reading this lame attempt at comedy and would clicky-di-click on that big poster that you saw at the beginning of this post. How can you not click on a big red button? I have one next to my desk. I need to press it every 108 minutes to keep my mexicans in Taiwan fed with vasts amounts of sweet corn.

You should buy my poster →

Much love,


I’m so excited. Todd’s mother is shipping all of his X-Men comics here and I’ve been put in charge of selling them on eBay. They are all in mint condition, in acid free wrapping and all that stuff and there are some issues that will fetch a pretty penny.

He’s not keeping the money. He’s going to give whatever he makes to his mother because she paid off his student loan ages ago. 

I am just excited at the prospect of checking out all this old stuff and taking pictures of everything and putting them here for Merlin to see.

February 28, 2009

  1. "World Music" is a genre like "Anybody Who’s Not All Pasty-Looking" is a race.
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 54
  2. Why do characters on tv only hang out with people they work with? Do they live in Hell?
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 50
  3. "Massage relaxes the mom and should be performed in much the same environment as the baby was conceived." Great. Taco Bell parking lot.
    @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 46
  4. Seven Deadly Sins (updated): PWN’D, NOM, FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUU, WANT, WANT, WANT, and meh.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 45
  5. Profoundly funny tweet #1260351715 (?)
    @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 39
  6. i hope someone teaches me a grammar lesson at a bus stop, so one day i can tell my kid all about what i learned on the streets.
    @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 38
  7. You can’t help but be disturbed when an email from your mother contains simply the line: “Rebooted the internet - everything fine now.”
    @secretsquirrel (Ryan Bateman) – 37
  8. After we explain what a bookmark is to Leta, she goes, “So it’s the thing you use to pause a book. I get it.”
    @dooce (Heather B. Armstrong) – 37
  9. Yesterday: Used poor grammar on multiple occasions.

    Today: Hiding from grammar zombies in the attic.

    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 36
  10. Profoundly funny tweet #1260577985 (?)
    @cleversimon (Unavailable) – 34

Read More

March 27, 2009
  1. Our marriage counselor just put a switchblade on the table, left the room, and locked the door. What do you guys think I — omg she’s fast
    @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 87
  2. "Face down, ass up" embroidered on pillows. "Stop actin’ like a bitch and throw your hands up" carved in driftwood. I need an etsy account.
    @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 73
  3. thinks you should consider abandoning that third-person present-tense verb idiom you picked up on Facebook.
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 70
  4. If the medical profession really wanted to be dicks, they’d add a new letter to ADHD every year.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 63
  5. Him: I like the glasses. Very sexy librarian.

    Me: If you don’t return your books, I’ll charge late fees.

    Him: You’re not doing it right.
    @shoesonwrong (Annie) – 58
  6. Things I’m glad I never experimented with: cigarettes, cocaine, Lotus Notes, Nickelback.
    @Moltz (Moltz) – 51
  7. My disaster preparedness plan involves duct tape and prepared people.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 49
  8. SB: Name?
    Me: ‘Çedilla.’ And, yes: that IS with a cedilla.
    SB: (scribbling on cup) Just listen for, “soy latte,” okay? Next.
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 49
  9. I’ll never forget the day I chose my heterosexual lifestyle.
    @zeldman (Jeffrey Zeldman) – 49
  10. Dear Coffee Shop: It’s 8:47. Why the eff aren’t you open yet? I need caffeine almost as much as you’re gonna need a new front window.
    @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 47
  11. Madonna plans to adopt again. Call me old fashioned, but a child needs both a mother and an emasculated boy toy father.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 46
  12. Twitter: because you’d get fired if you had these conversations in the workplace.
    @Moltz (Moltz) – 46
  13. Without MUNI, it’d be way harder to find a guy yelling at his burrito while the lady next to him trims her toenails.
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 43
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 41
  15. The clowns are coming from INSIDE THE CAR!
    @seanhussey (Sean Hussey) – 39
  16. Apparently tweeting about syphilis lead to me losing a lot of followers, so for clarity: I don’t have it and you can’t get it that way.
    @bsheepies (k-a-t-e) – 38
  17. Just once I want to hear a woman accidentally say ‘checkmate’ to a marriage proposal.
    @DieLaughing (J. Adam Moore) – 37
  18. When you call to explain the email you sent me, all I hear is “Hi! This is Death! I’m this much closer! Ha ha! You’re not boogie-boarding!”
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 37
  19. U.S. officials keep repeating that they don’t think Mexico is a “failed state.” So far, Mexico hasn’t returned the compliment.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 37
  20. According to the New York Times, @guykawasaki is occasionally manned by two people who are not Guy Kawasaki.

    That’s right. Ghostdouches.
    @TBMimsTheThird (cwthethird) – 35