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So, this video is relatable to any girl walking upon the Earth.

"On Fear" (Because I like to pretend tumblr is a *real* blog)

I always dread being asked my major. Until I made a choice, it was easy enough to just say I didn’t know, or to shake my head to physically indicate my unsureness, the way the majority of my college classmates did and still do. But once I committed to creative writing, I always had to have an answer ready, and the answer always inevitably led to more questions. Questions about what I preferred to write, questions about who my favorite writers were. Questions that always inevitably led to judgment, or at least my own irrational fear that I was being judged. Questions that would force me to open up, to honestly say, “Well, I haven’t been writing much lately, I haven’t had much inspiration”. But that’s rare. Opening up honestly is rare for me.

When I think of writers and writing, I never think of people who are extremely well-adjusted, or even well-adjusted at all. Maybe that’s an unfair assessment, but it seems that the majority who are the most readable have an innumerable number of demons. How funny, an innumerable number. If I were a better writer, I could probably base an entire story on just that one thought. As it is, I can’t even figure out how to write anything other than my rambling thoughts, and half of the time I can’t even do that.

Thoughts are so vague, said Estelle in No Exit, and I tend to agree. Existentialism always reminds me of my brain on psychedelic mushrooms, I can barely imagine thinking those thoughts without that stimulus. Maybe that’s my problem; I don’t know how to live without drugs. Not that I’m a drug addict, or at least I’m still in denial if I am. But some things, the act of creating, the art of conversation, self –discovery, it all seems so much easier with drugs. Which I realize is an incredible cop-out, and the lazy man’s answer, but I’m eighteen, of course all I think about is how to do things more easily. Even now, I’m writing so lazily, and maybe stream of consciousness is the writing of the future, but it seems to already have been done so well by so many, how can I bring any new insights, and here it comes again, the cyclical fear of failure. The only constant in my life. Fear. Fear of failure, fear of heights, fear of dying alone with sixteen cats, fear of everything. Fear that I’ll never find myself, fear that I’ll never “create” myself, whatever that means. Fear because I’m only eighteen and I haven’t figured anything out, not that I should have by now, but also fear because there are seventeen year olds curing cancer and I’m sitting at my computer listening to the middle two hours of a six hour song and rambling to Microsoft Word 2007 that I don’t know who I am and don’t think I ever will.

So here, whether or not this is good, I’m accepting my fear, accepting the fear that I’ll be judged, accepting the fear that this will fail and no one will read this. Accepting at the same time my fear that it will be read and loved and I’ll have to keep doing this, that I’ll have to keep trying to find inspiration. Accepting my fear, which I never even really admitted to having or realized I had, of success, of acceptance, of doing something-anything!-more than this.

People always seem to be attempting to overcome their fears, but I think that’s too simple. I think what we have to do is accept that our fears exist and make a choice. Do we choose-as I so often have-to let our fears cripple us and close ourselves off from the world, or do we choose to accept that our fears exist and to tell them to fuck themselves and do what we want anyway? For too long I’ve let my fears cripple me, so this is me, choosing to open myself up, to show off my fear, to wear it as a badge, to say fuck it and to just do what I want, say what I want, live how I want, write what I want, and not worry about rejection or judgment or anything else. This is me, choosing to wake up.

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'The Science of Character'.

All they see

All my friends see a smile, but never what is underneathe. They don’t see the pain that I hid or the tears I refuse to show. They ask if I’m okay and I lie. I tell them that I’m fine in fear that if they knew how bad I became they would leave me alone letting me fall deeper in to the hole I have dug for myself.

anonymous said:

I wish demi stopped thinking how to get to the top on charts by making (some) stupid bubble gum music and instead would really care about what real music is and what she really started off . I'm not saying "i miss the old demi!!!1!1!1!1!" It's just that i feel that she tries hard to be in the top. All i'm saying i'm hoping for a quality album, bc in all honsty i'm a fan for years, but there are only like 3 songs i like, no matter how that sounds, support and love her truly.

agreed. the thing is all the producers/writers that hwr made her work with have shoved the idea that she’s not talented enough into her head when in reality she’s much more talented than any of those ppl she’s worked with.

but it’s also her faul because she doesn’t stand up for what she believes in and just succumbs to the idea of “number 1 hits!” and generic music and that way is difficult for her to stand up, no matter how incredible her voice is.

apparently she’s releasing a new album later this year, which i pray to god is her last one with them. selena also put out 4 albums + 1 biggest hits (lmfao) album so that makes 5, which makes me think this will be her last one

Ugh… I really should have said no when my cousin asked if I wanted to watch The Conjuring with her… We didn’t even finish it and I’m terrified. We were making jokes about Rory all night at dinner but now that I’m home they aren’t seeming so funny…

anonymous said:

ok honsty hour? 1) what was the hardest thing you have ever had to do? 2) how many times have you been in love? 3) do you think you'll be single forever or do you want a relationship?

1) Losing my daughter in 2011 and my unborn child earlier this year.
2) I think I have been in love twice, but I could be wrong. I may not have been in love at all.
3) Of course I won’t be single forever. But a relationship is definitely not on my list of things to acquire right now.

honesty hour.