i have this very distinct memory of being a teenager and just having watched titanic and trying to force myself to buy into the heteronormative portrayal of love they were selling and to believe that was more real, romantic and precious than love between women
i thought i had to choose one over the other - i remember trying to promise myself to wait until marriage with a man to have sex, thinking that that was the only way to be a good person
i remember being so scared, thinking i had to force myself to like men, not sure if my feelings toward boys or men were real - being very confused, hating myself for my feelings toward other girls, - it triggering my OCD, obsessing over it all the time, thinking i was deviant or objectifying my female friends for looking at their breasts, obsessing over my reactions to sexual images of women in the media, it triggering more different types of obsessions for me
for most of my childhood bisexual was not a concept i was familiar with, all i thought i could be was straight or gay
and even when i learned about bisexuality, when i started trying to accept that as a label, i’d start reacting to images of women in anime and stuff and get scared all over again and question my identity and be unsure of myself and retreat back into denial again
for years and years even into college i continually doubted my identity, i feared my feelings toward women, i thought i was objectifying women, i didn’t allow myself to develop crushes for them and felt guilt for my sexual feelings for them
there were times i probably too eagerly threw myself at guys partially of fear of being gay or not liking guys enough - for the longest time i could only conceive of crushes on boys because my idea of romance didn’t make sense with women for me
only recently was i able to more embrace my feelings toward girls and my bisexuality, to not feel fake - before i would oscillate between thinking i was a lesbian in denial or a straight person in denial - only a few years ago did i finally get over that - only a few years ago did i stop thinking i was objectifying women or feel able to recognize romantic feeling toward women in myself and not feel guilt
i KNOW my mother would prefer i bring a guy home. i know bringing a girl home will be a LOT harder with my mom and with society at large.
so stop saying i don’t know what compulsory heterosexuality is like! stop it!