[[Time is not ours to own… you are not mine to own in life, instead I am a helpmate that the Lord has brought to this place where we meet in our hearts. <3 You mean so much to me, and yet so much more to HIM.]]
So, we have been having these on-going conversations for quite sometime, and they are pretty much addicting, yes. Yesterday was our second fast from each other, and it seemed so much tougher than the first.
The hours drug by and the anticipation for our next conversation or Skype was rising. I tried all I could to distract myself but nothing was working, so I just prayed and kept prayer in my heart. While meditating upon the Sorrowful Mysteries, there is a passage about the time Jesus spent on the Cross. (According to the book, 2 hours & 59 minutes, expiring at the 3 hour mark.) I don’t know whether those numbers are legit, but it did take my heart to time.
Time, the precious gift we often throw away and overlook. Time without you was so hard, but I was imagining that the time Jesus was on the Cross, must have felt like forever. I can only imagine how the Blessed Mother was torn between her flesh and serving God. She knew that one day she would have to see her son die, His life had been threatened since He was a baby. The day Simeon gave prophecy to her at the presentation of baby Jesus, (Luke 2:34-35) and then when the angel warned them of Herod’s search for the child. (Matthew 2:13-14)
I pondered a lot, how did she do it? How did she go forth when she knew that her son would have to die? Time must have seemed like forever when she first heart of His arrest, when she watched Him being scourged at the pillar, His carrying of the cross while being spit at and mocked. How could a mother watch her son being crucified for love of the people who were doing this? How does your heart ache when you see your son being nailed to a cross, watching Him suffer, watching Him die?
How the seconds must have felt like minutes, the minutes like hours, the hours like days. All the while, you understood that your Son was the Son of God, and that you had to trust the Will of God. Were you warned? Did the angel come to tell you this would happen? Did you get any sleep? Were you able to eat? How could I feel as though time away from my love was hard? I was not watching my love go through what your Son went through.
Even still you advocate on our behalf asking your Son to change our hearts, to have pity on us, to have mercy on us. Why do we deserve such love? But you truly are the example of motherhood. So many times I have done something wrong and yet my own earthly mother advocates for forgiveness from those I have wronged. I find myself doing that even for my niece and nephew, perhaps out of motherly instincts.
How do they deny you? You who birthed our Savior with the times against you. Conceiving the Jesus Child not married yet, to be a “shame” to your parents, and yet trusting in the Lord. How do they deny that you looked Him in the eyes after birth, that you kissed His head gently and cuddled Him reassuring Him of your love. If the mysteries of Heaven lie in the hearts of babes, He knew then, as you knew in your heart. He trusted you to nurture His wounds if He fell while playing, He loved you because you were His Mother, He hugged you when you greeted each other, He awaited for your meals to nurture His body and yet they deny your importance.
I pictured you in my mind Mother, as watched Him sleep and held Him in your arms, and then I watched as you held His dead body when they brought Him off the cross. In your arms you held God made man, you held the miracle of life and then 33 later you held the miracle of a worldly death.
You believed the Word of God, that this was the Son of Man, you who knew in that moment the transparency of eternal life after death. How your heard must have then understood that mystery so much more deeply. That your Son, the God-man was done with His work here, but being God would never end His work for His People.
I stopped myself from thinking of my love, and connected to the Immaculate & Sorrowful Heart of Mary, our Mother. I just kept staring at the Cross asking myself what ounce of Mercy did I even deserve? I want to love that way, I want to love knowing that you are not mine but God’s. I want to trust in that depth, even though my heart should ache when I see people in pain, I want to trust that the plan of God has it’s purpose.
I ask the Immaculate Heart of Mary & the Sacred Heart of Jesus to grant us the patience to overcome our feelings and focus on the Will of God for our lives. I ask them to guide us and illuminate us with the wisdom of God. I ask them to help us focus on trusting the Will of God for our relationship and as individuals.
The ability to sacrifice time away from talking to you means so much more to me now. It means that I’m learning to trust in a whole new way, not only trusting God, but also trusting in my relationships, especially my relationship with you.
I realize now that I still have so much learning to do, and so much more room for love. I am patiently awaiting the day when I will see you again and embrace you. I am trying so hard to follow the example of the Blessed Mother, denying how I feel and offering you up with all the love in my being. Trusting that God alone will move inside of you, will do great things through you, will bless you where you are, and all the while just praying to earn the trust, only He grants, that I may love you completely.
You mean so much to me and I miss you dearly.