YES GOD BLESS YOU ANON:
• Who cried when they brought their child home for the first time:
D did. 100%. he won’t admit it, Bro will have to fight him before he even acknowledges it lmfao, but when ur ‘surrogate’ (used very loosely, all a!Rose did was sign the twins over to the two of them and was hells of cagey about who the father was exactly, the situation was a bit of a mess in general and D just ran w/ it bc hell he likes kids and so what if he’d biologically be an ‘uncle’ rather than a brother/father, he gets to raise them with a (his) katana wielding psychopath and that’s well and good enough for him) is a smug-ass shit gay-wizard fantasy writing flighty broad who never shuts up about it u’d be surprised at how far a little denial will take someone.
• Who would wake up in the middle of the night to check on the kid(s):
Bro works hells of unholy hours into the night with his puppet (porn) industry (seriously who the fuck cleared these two complete and utter disarrays to be responsible for two (2) twin human lives what the fuck–) and clearing deals over the internet and doing all that Adult paperwork that comes with it and what not so hes awake any who and D needs his sleep and all that shit being a Super Busy famous movie director and all that shit, so he gives him a bit of rare metaphorical grace
(even if D ends up waking up and staying up with him to take care of Dave an Dirk until they stop crying anyway)
• Who changes the kid(s) diapers:
Hahaha both. they kinda trade off it’s a rly messy job and dirks a fucking spit-fire shit that has a tendency to “make it rain gold” whilst in the middle of diaper changes :V
• Who makes the bottles:
D. hes rly precise and particular about that stuff—he read all of those baby books and help videos and the message board ‘upcoming parent’ forums during A!rose’s pregnancy. all of them. Bro is actually rly impressed (and he finds it kinda endearing okay, sue him) so he just lets it alone
• Who stays up late at night to rock the kid(s) to sleep and sing them lullabys:
Bro. he has a surprisingly quality singing voice and again, he’s up anyway so if daves fussing and in danger of waking up the Other Spit-Fire he may as well rock the crib and hum to the kid while he’s doing paperwork
• Who is guilty of spoiling the kid(s):
holy hell, D most definitely, he’s the one who’s around the least and feels so Bad so he tends to send the most ‘presents’ and provides a hell of an allowance (if you can even call giving two teenagers a fucking black card an ’’’’’’’’allowance’’’’’’’’’) the only issue with this? he’s all kinds of easy to guilt trip—especially when dave or dirk decide to pull the whole: “you’re never around!!” card. bro actually does spoil too, to an extent, but he’s smarter about it and saves the subtle doting for birthdays and Christmas.
• Who would give the kid(s) cookies in the middle of the night:
D’s a bit of a healthnutt but dave has a sweettooth just as bad as bros, so sometimes bro’ll just flash on in there and give the kid a couple oreos
• Who always takes the kid(s) side:
Bro. he’s got a habit of riling up/playfully antagonizing D in general tbh, bc it’s hells of fun to watch him go red—both of them constitute as the ‘easy’ parent in their own ways and god knows it confuses the hell of the twins more times than not
• Who would wake up early to make breakfast for the kid(s) before school:
Bro makes breakfast for everyone in the mornings bacons eggs and all that fun disgustingly domesticated jazz, He is the most perfect stay at home mom-wife it is him (bros words not D’s, d just kind of makes a face at him when he uses tha t word with that smugger that thou smirk of his) and D couldn’t switch out even if he wanted to D can’t cook for shit. Bro constantly reminds him of that one time he literally set a pot of luke-warm water on fire.
• Who gets the kid(s) ready for school in the morning:
Bro again. daves a bit of an obedient child?? to a certain extent. about as obedient as a six year old can be okay,,, , but as said before dirks a lil’ spit fire and squirms a ton. he’s hells of difficult and bro and d physically cringe to even think of his teenage years
• Who takes the kid(s) to school:
D. whenever he’s home and not on an overnight binge at the studio and whatnot :V he’ll drop them off on his way to work; if he’s not around bro does it instead
• Who goes to parent teacher conferences:
lmfao both of them and it’s always ‘dirk dirk dirk this dirk that dirk did this today, dirk isn’t making very many friends, why do your children where shades, that is not proper dress code’ blah blah blah blah blah and that would be all well and good if Bro didn’t get all defensive (about his ‘babies’ in a!rose’s words holy shit–) he’s the type that gets into shouting matches with a five-foot nothing sixty-some year old first grade teacher for trying to remove (a very albino and light sensitive) dave’s shades during class okay he is not very well liked.
• Who will be the first to suggest to have ‘the talk’ with the kid(s):
Bro. when he walks in on the twins in a bit of a compromising position in their teens and goes like ‘wow did I fuck up these kids fuckfuckfuck I fucked up these kids shit dammitfuck’ haha and d has kittens over it :V but they do end up having one hell of a talk to a pair of, already thoroughly informed, and mortified seventeen year-olds.
• Who would choose their child(s) prom outfit:
D helps the kids pick out suits and iTS SO GREAT he gets them personally tailored and lets them pick their own patterns and custom ties and you’d better believe the two of them are the spiffiest dressed at senior prom okay
• Who would cry when the kid(s) go off to college:
Bro, surprisingly. he wraps his arms around the both of them and Doesn’t Let Go and it’s a terrible, uncomfortable experience for everyone involved and they don’t talk about it. d filmed the whole thing however and keeps the dvd in the family records next to ‘dirk’s first sentence’ (yes, because dirk was the type of brilliant kid to wait until he could say the full “bro can you pick me up” just to bask in self-pride when d drops a wine glass and lets it shatter on the floor.)
IM SORRY I GOT CARRIED A WAY BUT GUARDIANCESTS ARE SO GO OD DESTROY ME