gusher

see these fuckers? these tasty gems of artificial fruitiness? they were a highlight of your childhood, right? they were a highlight of mine too. but I didn’t discover them until I was at least eight, probably more like ten. one reason was that my mom didn’t buy them when was little. 

another was that I was afraid of fruit gushers

what? you ask? you were afraid of fruit gushers? 

yes, my question-repeating friend, as a tiny child I was afraid of fruit gushers, or more accurately of eating them. 

how, you may wonder, did that happen? did I have a nightmare about being chased by a fruit gusher, or perhaps by eating an enchanted fruit gusher and being turned into one, only to be eaten myself? 

no. 

you see, in the late 90s/early 2000s, there were commercials for fruit gushers on all the kid channels we got. (disney, nickelodeon, cartoon network) okay, that’s reasonable, there were commercials for a lot of candies. 

ah, yes. but these commercials were different. 

in these commercials, kids ate fruit gushers and were so overwhelmed by the artificial fruitiness that their heads actually BECAME fruits. 

as a tiny child tumblr user TheBreakfastGenie genuinely believed that eating fruit gushers could turn your head into a giant slice of watermelon. 

being pretty sentimental and attached to my own human head, I had no desire for it to be replaced with a giant, low-quality CGI fruit. but that’s not the good part of this story. 

the good part of this story is that I wasn’t afraid to eat gushers because I saw a kid’s head turn into a giant slice of watermelon in a commercial. I was afraid to eat gushers because I never saw his head turn back

I would have been completely fine if the commercial had offered me some reassurance that the head-to-fruit transformation was merely temporary. 

as a tiny child, tumblr user TheBreakfastGenie was afraid to eat fruit gushers because she believed eating fruit gushers would turn her head into a fruit, which she would have actually been completely okay with so long as she was assured that the effect was not permanent. 

Coincidence? I think not.

The nine quadrants of leprechaun romance correlate to the shapes of marshmallows in Lucky Charms cereal.

Lucky Charms is a brand owned and operated by General Mills.

General Mills, of course, is the corporation that owns and operates the longstanding brand and imaginary spokeswoman…

…Betty Crocker.