Monday Night Raw: Oct. 13, 1997
This week’s episode of Raw opens with a video detailing the history of the Legion of Doom, for some reason. As with all video montages, apparently, part of it will be in black-and-white. Also, Animal is wearing a Stone Cold Steve Austin shirt, which is pretty awesome, and kind of gay.
It turns out the Legion of Doom will be fighting the Godwinns for the Tag Team belts, and if they lose, they have to retire. Tonight. Well, that came out of nowhere. Should be great! After the regular opening video, Jim Ross opens the show from Topeka, Kansas, and he’s joined by Jerry Lawler. Vince McMahon waits in the ring about to interview Bret Hart, who comes to the ring with the Hart Foundation.
"Conspicuous by his absence," says McMahon, is the British Bulldog, who is inconspicuously celebrating an anniversary and a birthday. McMahon is sure Bret wants to wish his brother-in-law a happy birthday, yet does not stop talking or give Bret the mic so he can do so. Vince asks Bret if he would like to comment on getting shat on by Shawn Michaels recently, or on losing to Hunter Hearst Helmsley last week on Raw.
Before he can answer, a voice off screen says, “We would love to comment on what happened last week…” It’s Michaels, Helmsley, Chyna and Rick Rude, backstage in the locker room being projected out onto the TitanTron. Michaels calls Bret old and says he knows Bret is “jerkin’ the curtain,” whatever that means. Micahels also says he knows Canada like nobody else.
Michaels: Hit the footage, daddio!
And just like that, video is shown of Michaels shoving the corner of the Canadian flag up his nose from last week. We already covered that.
Now Helmsley tells Bret that he has some footage from last week to show, adding that he beat Bret so bad his own hands are still hurting. Sounds like Bret might’ve won the war there.
Helmsley: Let’s face it, Hitman. I’m younger that you.
Michaels: [chuckles] Everybody’s younger than him.
Helmsley: I’m better than you.
Michaels: Everybody’s better than him.
Helmsley: And I’m certainly bigger than you, in more ways than one.
Michaels: [looks down at Helmsley’s crotch] Good god, you’ll put an eye out with that thing.
Helmsley’s footage is of Michaels delivering some Sweet Chin Music to Bret, oddly enough, with some awesome play-by-play from the two of them.
Bret: I’ll tell ya what, why don’t you two degenerates come down here right now and step into the ring with me, right now. Either one of ya, I don’t care, either one of ya right here right now.
This doesn’t frighten Michaels and Helmsley as much as make them do a Wayne’s World impression of sorts.
Michaels says he won’t accept the challenge because he already accepted a challenge from the Hitman, and kicked his ass at WrestleMania. Michaels then says he’s also beat up Bret’s entire family. Helmsley starts yelling, “You want a piece of me?” while Michaels holds him back … from fighting the camera man, I guess. Helmsley says he’ll give Bret the worst beating of his life — but wait, Helmsley already did that last week! So he doesn’t have to do it again this week.
Michaels: Sometime during this show, we are going to cross paths. And you talk about us being degenerates, you know what, I’m tired of Generation X getting a bad rep.
Helmsley: You think you’re a degenerate?
Michaels: You think you’re a degenerate?
Helmsley: Well, I mean…
Michaels: I’m positive I’m one.
Helmsley: I guess I’d have to be one.
Michaels: Wait, hold on, Generation X always gets a bad rep. Everyone calls them degenerates. Degeneration X, is that us? D-Generation X. Triple H and HBK, Chyna and Ravishing Rick, we are D-Generation X. You make the rules and we… will… break ‘em.
McMahon starts back up his interview with Bret, but before he can get a question out, the Nation of Domination theme music starts up and out walk Faarooq, Rocky Maivia, D’Lo Brown and Kama Mustafa. Looks like nobody is going to let Bret do shit on this show. Kama is set to take on Owen tonight, but after a commercial break the match hasn’t started, but Shawn Michaels’ music has. He and the rest of D-Generation X (rolls off the tongue nicely) walk out.
Kama Mustafa (with the Nation of Domination) vs. Owen Hart (with the Hart Foundation)
While Helmsley stands behind Michaels and points at the Heartbreak Crotch repeatedly, Kama attacks Owen from behind to officially start things up. D-Generation X walks down the ramp, and the Nation of Domination look confused and back away. Michaels heads straight to the announcers’ table, which he hops up on and takes JR’s headset. Triple H takes McMahon’s, and he and Michaels call the match.
After Kama scoop slams Owen, Helmsley comments that Owen is on his back, like he always is. Owen connects on a spinning heel kick and dropkick off the top ropes. Rick Rude apparently gave Michaels and Helmsley bananas, but they haven’t shown them eating yet. King, the only regular announcer still with a headset, is a little too into his new broadcast set up.
King: What a broadcast team we could be: Shawn Michaels, Triple H and the King. We see eye-to-eye on everything! This broadcast team would be unbeatable. We would be better than three Marv Alberts! What’d ya think guys, huh? How about, hand me one of those bananas, huh?
Michaels: Hey, Lawler, did you somehow think that we were your friends?
Helmsley: Come on!
Michaels: We pull your string?
King: I just wanted a banana.
Michaels: Did I pull your string? Did I pull your string and tell you to talk, Lawler? Shut up. I used to work for you way back when when you called the shots. Guess what, King? I call the shots here in the World Wrestling Federation, and the first shot I’m calling right now is for you to shut your trap before I have Chyna knock you out.
King gives his headset to Rick Rude. They’re all chowing down on bananas, calling the match, and ripping into Stu Hart.
Michaels: Stu Hart’s dead, although his body and his brain don’t know it. The guy’s still walking around Calgary, Alberta like he’s alive for God’s sake.
Holy shit! Michaels is running this place right now. Michaels stands on the table, calls out for Bret, then thrusts his crotch at the Hitman while making an “x” over his balls. Bret starts toward Michaels, so he calls for Faarooq and before Bret can reach the announcers’ table, Rocky and D’Lo attack. And now the Nation of Domination and Hart Foundation are going at it outside the ring! Michaels is a brilliant madman!
Michaels walks over to Bret, who’s getting triple-teamed, lays down on the ground and watches the beating!
Michaels puts on Faarooq’s hat just as the bell sounds to end the match, but we haven’t seen action in the ring for a few minutes, so it’s impossible to tell who won. D-Generation X walk up the ramp and it’s time for a commercial, which just so happens to be for Survivor Series, and features Los Boricuas and the Disciples of Apocalypse fighting in a tunnel. And oh my God! You can get a free dog tag if you do something or other, but fuck it, that was like 14 years ago so nevermind. Here’s a picture.
After the break, it’s time for Legion of Doom to talk about Paul Ellering, who Hawk calls the “brains” to LoD’s “brawns.” After that, McMahon interviews the Godwinns, who are backstage and standing in front of a Confederate flag. He asks them, why risk the tag belts they won last week so soon? The ugly one [Editor: wait … the ugly one?] says because they’re going to finally get rid of the Legion of Doom for good. They smile and look dirty.
Mosaic and Tarantula vs. Nova and Max Mini
Nova and Mosaic start things off, and they run at each other a few times until Max Mini is tagged in. He does some short person flip things, turns to the crowd to raise his arms and gets hit from behind. Nova is somehow the legal man now, and he takes out both Mosaic and Tarantula.
With both opponents out of the ring, Max Mini dives through the top two ropes onto Mosaic and Tarantula. Nova follows his partner, flips while diving and hits head on the steel ramp, killing him.
Probably. Meanwhile, Max Mini gets in the ring and scores a rollup pin on Mosaic to win. Outside of the ring, Nova still hasn’t moved. Eh, he’s okay now. Max Mini and a referee help him up. The short people wrestling novelty has worn off. No more.
After a commercial, McMahon promises highlights from Shotgun Saturday Night, and instead, they show a clip from Flash Funk fighting Rockabilly. In the clip, Honky Tonk Man accidentally trips Rockabilly, angering him. Billy stands up, turns to face his manager and gives him a “the fuck are you doing?” look and gets a shoulder shrug. This allows Flash Funk to score a rollup pin to win. Then Jesse James came out in an awful jacket that says “Road Dog,” as JR tells us he used be called The Roadie when he managed Jeff Jarrett. He gets in the ring with Rockabilly and Honky Tonk.
Road Dog: [to Rockabilly] My friend, you are not a loser, so me and you together [heavily sniffs]… Oh, I smell money. I smell money. Willy Will, are ya with me?
Honky Tonk Man asks Rockabilly if he’s still with him and Rockabilly nods. James turns to get out of the ring and Honky Tonk Man goes to hit him with his guitar, but Rockabilly grabs the guitar and hits Honky Tonk Man! Rockabilly and Jesse James high-five and the crowd is going crazy! Seriously? I guess that’s pretty good for Shotgun Saturday Night.
Back in present-day, it’s time for a weird match.
Flash Funk vs. Shawn Michaels
After Funk comes out, instead of Michaels’ music, dark organ music that has quickly become quite familiar starts playing, the stage explodes and Kane walks out with Paul Bearer.
Flash Funk vs. Kane (apparently)
Funk is a gamer, and runs at Kane, hitting the seven-footer while doing absolutely no damage to him. By the way, the red lights are still on from Kane’s entrance. Funk runs at Kane again, this time Kane catches him and chokeslams him with one hand!
Kane lifts him up and tombstone piledrivers him now. The lights still aren’t on. He doesn’t pin Flash Funk, however. Instead, Bearer gets in the ring with a microphone.
Bearer: Undertaker, everything you’ve ever dreamed of, we’re gonna take away. Everything that you want to accomplished, we’re gonna take away. Human eye has not seen nor has human heard what Kane has in store for his brother, the Undertaker. We’re going to stroll through the WWF, just like I said, destroying everybody in Kane’s path until he meets his brother face-to-face. And Undertaker, you will never rest in peace. Asses to asses!
I might’ve got that last part wrong. That’s what it sounds like, though. I don’t know what else it could be. Also, while Bearer was talking, the cameraman thought it’d be a good idea to get an insane closeup on Kane’s mask.
Bearer and Kane walk out of the ring after that speech, which shows that this whole time, Flash Funk has been knocked out there in the ring with them!
Hey, Funk is still there!
Michaels runs in the ring and covers Funk! Helmsley with the count… YES! Micahels wins it!
While covering Funk, Michaels shook Funk’s leg to make it look like he was trying to kick out. It was great. But not as great as this!
Chyna is the time keeper, and by god, I think she’s got a smirk on her face. There you go, baby, show that winning smile. That’s what the fans came to see. Fuck Sunny. Rick Rude acts as ring announcer.
Rude: Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of this contest, the Show Stopper, the Headliner, the Main Event, the Pecan of the World Wrestling Federataion… [Chyna slaps him and he rereads the sheet of paper he’s holding] oops, sorry. The Icon of the World Wrestling Federation, the Heart Break Kid Shawn Michaels! Hit the music!
These guys are really running with this bit. It’s great.
Um, did they just announce that Chyna has a penis? ‘Cause it wouldn’t totally shock anybody.
Anyway, moving along, it’s time for another clip with Legion of Doom, this time talking about the WWF fans. Turns out, they think the WWF fans are great! Even this asshole!
Ugh, Disciples of Apocalypse make their way to the ring on their motorcycles. How ‘bout if Legion of Doom win later tonight, DoA has to retire instead? Hey, wait a minute. They’re fighting two dudes from the Truth Commission, and McMahon throws it to them backstage, but the Commandant isn’t there. Instead, this Ted Nugent-looking mother fucker is talking. They call him the Jackyl, because what else would you call him?
8-Ball & Skull (with Crush & Chainz) vs. Sniper & Recon (with the Jackyl & the Interrogator)
At Shotgun Saturday Night, the Interrogator snapped and beat the shit out of a bunch of people, including the referee. While this boring match starts, McMahon says Bill Clinton might be fucking Janet Reno. Seriously. Also, everyone looks like their partner in this match.
JR: Anything else you guys want to talk about? We could talk about movies. See anything that you fancy?
King: Well, if you want me to. Wasn’t that bad about Gilligan?
King: He got killed in a plane crash. He couldn’t drive a boat, he should’ve never been in a plane.
JR: No, no, no. That’s John Denver, not Bob Denver.
McMahon: Whoa, whoa.
When the announcers don’t even give a shit about the match going on, should we? Here’s how fucked up that just was. John Denver died Oct. 13, 1997. He died that same day! King is already cracking jokes! Just to clarify, if you didn’t pick up on it, Bob Denver played the title character in Gilligan’s Island. So there you have it. King’s warped mind.
Meanwhile, one of the DoA guys go toes bounce against the ropes, but The Jackyl pulls down the top rope, sending Leather, or whatever the fuck his name is, out of the ring. The ref sees this and disqualifies the Truth Commission. A brawl breaks out outside the ring, with the Interrogator proving to be the only person there worth a damn.
After a break, it’s time for Stone Cold Steve Austin! Remember, he’s here to bring McMahon a doctor’s note, tell the WWF if he dies they’re not responsible, or get fired. Here’s exactly what we’re looking for from a wrestling sign. Take note, people of 1997.
McMahon tells Austin that all he has to do to get reinstated is sign the dotted line on the sheet of paper he gives him, but before he’ll sign, Austin says he wants McMahon to sign first. Austin then asks the crowd if he should trust McMahon. They make noise, as if to say, “Woo.” McMahon takes out his reading glasses and signs to lock Austin into a match at Survivor Series against Owen Hart, Austin turns, raises his arms and starts to walk away. McMahon calls him back to say he has to sign as well, and after some smirking on Austin’s part, he signs as well.
Austin: I guess that leaves me only one thing left to do… Hell, all I’m telling ya to do, son, is shake my hand. Don’t sit there and make a mess out of your pants, just shake my damn hand and we’ve got a deal.
McMahon is, to say it lightly, dubious.
They shake hands, McMahon goes to walk away, Austin pulls him back in and nothing happens. Before Austin leaves, McMahon calls him back to the center of the ring to ask just why he interfered on behalf of Owen at Badd Blood.
Austin: See, what happened was Faarooq was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I got no problem against him, I got no problem with the Nation of Domination. The bottom line is, Steve Austin gets what Steve Austin wants, and I want Owen Hart’s ass, I want the Intercontinental title, and I want it real fast. It’s my business, and Stone Cold does what he wants when he wants.
Faarooq and the Nation appear at the top of the ramp, and Faarooq says Austin better wait a damn minute. His business is Faarooq’s business. He makes some weird train track analogy and starts talking about white picket fences. Faarooq says Austin sacrificed himself to the Nation the minute he cost Faarooq the belt.
Austin: Basically, I didn’t understand one damn word you said!
Austin: But it sounds like you’re a little pissed off, sounds like you got something against Stone Cold Steve Austin for wrapping that damn belt around your head. So I’m telling you, all you got to do is bring your ass to the ring, or anyone of them people up there, I’ll stomp a mudhole in ya and walk it dry. You think you so damn tough, all big and jacked up, it shouldn’t be nothing but a thing for you guys to come here and whip someone with a bad neck’s ass.
They send young Rocky down first, and he gets Stone Cold Stunned comically fast, like he barely even gets in the ring before he’s knocked out. The rest of the Nation charge the ring as Austin rolls out and leaves through the crowd.
Once again, it’s time for Legion of Doom to talk about stuff, this time Wembley Stadium, where SummerSlam 1992 took place. That’s pretty much it. It was loud and big. Animal was surprisingly articulate.
After the final installment of Sable’s laser tag commercial series (stay tuned!), more Legion of Doom, this time on their origin story. Turns out, they were bitten by radioactive spiders! Hey, look at that, LoD are backstage now. It’s nice to actually see them. Animal says tonight is the night to find out if they have the drive to become tag champions … again, I guess, because they already did that. Oh, wait, nevermind. That’s addressed.
Animal: We’re not gonna be like some guys who rely on our laurels in the past that can’t cut it today, like Hulk Hogan and Randy Savage living on yesteryear. The challenge today, and the competition is a lot tougher today. So that’s why we want to beat the new WWF champions. If we can’t cut, then we’re out of here.
Tajiri vs. Brian Christopher
After this match, Jim Cornette will give his now-weekly editorial, this time on New York Post columnist, all-around shitmouth Phil Mushnick, who apparently wrote some not nice things about the WWF recently.
King: Let me ask you something, McMahon. What do you think of Phil Mushnick?
McMahon: I think Phil Mushnick is a miserable son of a bitch.
Whoa! Awkwardly, McMahon asks King if Christopher really is too sexy? Just a reminder, to this point Christopher’s only background has been that he might be, and probably is, King’s son. So that was fucking gross, McMahon. Christopher starts off the match taking after his possible father, King, by doing something racially insensitive. He bows to Tajiri and then does a few fake karate moves.
JR tells us Tajiri has only been a pro for three years, and before that was in dental school in Japan. Early in this one, Tajiri is showing off some insane kicking ability, landing a few blows to Christopher’s head. After Christopher turned things around, landing a nice running bulldog, Tajiri went for a cover, but to break out of it, Christopher started to roll around the ring with Tajiri’s legs still wrapped around his body. It’s just incredibly silly.
Also, while that was going on, King finally decided to tell the truth of his relationship to Brian Christopher.
King: Years ago I got a vasectomy, right?
McMahon: You got a what?
King: A vasectomy. I put it on my MasterCard, I forgot to pay the bill, so the finance company came over and got my wife pregnant.
Or maybe not. And you know what? Let’s go with another King quote right now because, fuck it, you’ll see.
King: All them sissy martial art kicks. Let me tell you something, Brian Christopher doesn’t know anything about martial arts. He don’t know taekwon do, he don’t know karate, he thinks judo is the stuff they make bagels out of. But he knows wrestling, and I promise you this, when he gets a hold of this … this, what’s this called? Tajiri? I promise you he’ll send him back to dental school. With no teeth.
King is a genius. In the match, Tajiri lands a few more kicks to head and a suplex.
King: Come on, Brian, you can out-smart this idiot. I’m still wonering why kamikaze pilots used to wear helmets.
FUCK! King is on fire, you guys! Tajiri gets behind Christopher, bounces him into the ropes and rolls over him for the cover, but Christopher counters with a cover of his own, holding onto Tajiri’s tights so he can’t kick out, I guess. They make a big deal about the tights-holding, but I’m not totally sure why it helped. Christopher wins, by the way.
See? After the match, Tajiri kicks Christopher out of the ring, and he crawls up the ramp.
Now it’s time for Cornette’s Corner (not what they call it), where Jim Cornette is going to rip into the NY Post’s Phil Mushnick, who hates professional wrestling and its fans, and doesn’t want wrestling on TV. Cornette is pissed right now because Mushnick called out professional wrestling in regards to Brian Pillman’s death. More like Phil Mushdick, right fellas? Cornette tells Mushdick to go to hell.
Savio Vega (with Jesus Castillo, Miguel Perez and Jose Estrada Jr.) vs. Goldust (with Marlena)
First time we’ve seen Goldust and Marlena back together since Pillman’s death. The lovebirds were going to renew their wedding vows last week but didn’t because it would’ve been shitty of them with Pillman dying and everything. McMahon says when Goldust first appeared in the WWF he was a movie buff, and then starts ripping into the new Hulk Hogan movie and Hulk Hogan in general. We’ll have more on this later in the week. Anyway, can we just say it’s nice to have Goldust back?
Vega throws Goldust against the ropes, where he’s tripped up by one of the Boricuas, and so the ref kicks them out of the ringside area. While that’s going on, Vega lands a vicious kick to Goldust’s head and then chokes him against the ropes since the ref isn’t looking. You can’t see it here, but Goldust is hard.
After a clothesline, Vega gets out of the ring and starts walking toward Marlena until she’s backed up against the ring steps. Goldust gets out of the ring and charges, but Vega lands another kick to the head, dropping Goldust. In the ring, Goldust sets Vega up for the Curtain Call, but when he lifts Vega up, he flips out of it and lands a spinning kick to Goldust’s skull. Vega covers and puts his legs on the ropes for some added leverage, but the ref catches him and stops the count. The ref then sees Marlena’s cigar in the ring so he picks it up and walks over to her to warn her about cancer. While the ref isn’t looking, Goldust takes Marlena’s purse, strikes Vega’s head and covers for the win.
Los Boricuas run in the ring, but Goldust and Marlena run away.
Hunter Hearst Helmsley (with Shawn Michaels and Chyna) vs. The Patriot
It was odd Rude didn’t join his buddies at first, but it makes sense now. Patriot comes out waving his American flag, Rude walks out behind him and throws coffee in his face!
Rude then hits Patriot with a briefcase, bringing him backstage! Michaels gets on the mic to congratulate Helmsley on another hard-fought victory. WWF Commissioner Sgt. Slaughter comes down to the ring and is not pleased. Slaughter says Helmsley is scheduled to wrestle tonight, and he will wrestle tonight. Slaughter has a fill-in ready to fight, and yes, Helmsley and Michaels are still pretending Slaughter spits when he talks. Or maybe he really does spit when he talks.
They send Rick Rude backstage as Slaughter orders them to start showing some respect. Michaels tells him to “suck it,” which gets bleeped, and Helmsley salutes Slaughter and does this.
Helmsley’s volunteer opponent comes out, and it’s Ahmed Johnson. Helmsley and Michaels are terrified.
Michaels and Helmsley get ready to fight by really overselling an old timey boxer’s stance, and as Johnson gets in the ring, the Nation of Domination run out and attack him. Michaels triumphantly runs away, leaving us to wonder if any member of D-Generation X will ever wrestle again, or if they’ll just trick everyone out of every match.
The Nation rips the bandage off Ahmed’s injured hand and start stomping on it. D-Generation X watches from the top of the ramp eating snacks that Rude had in his briefcase.
Legion of Doom and Ken Shamrock run out and clear the ring. Michaels and company leave while LoD checks on Johnson. Animal gets on the mic and tells the Godwinns to get out there so he and Hawk can take their title belts.
WWF Tag Team Champions The Godwinns (Phineas & Henry with Uncle Cletus) vs. Legion of Doom (Hawk & Animal) for the title
Animal and Phineas start things off, but after Animal lifts Phineas up and tosses him across the ring, he tags in Henry. Animal goes to work on Henry’s arm, tags in Hawk, who climbs up to the top ropes, jumps off and punches Henry in the face. After a tag, Hawk backs Phineas into the corner and slaps the shit out of him. Hawk tags in Animal, who lands a big powerslam.
Phineas turns things around, pounding Hawks’ face in the corner with a series of punches. He tags in Henry, who continues to isolate Hawk. Phineas tags in and connects on a jawbreaker. Phineas throws Hawk outside of the ring, where Phineas throws Hawk into the ring post while the ref stops Animal from getting in the ring. After a tag, both Godwinns throw Hawk in the corner, where he bounces off and clotheslines both tag champs. Hawk tags in Animal, but the ref didn’t see it and won’t allow him into the ring.
Outside of the ring, Animal gets throws into the steel steps. Inside the ring, Phineas connects with a gut-wrench suplex and covers, but Hawk just lifts his shoulder up. The Godwinns continue to work efficiently, with each member of the team getting in the ring for short bursts and tagging out. Meanwhile, Animal is down outside the ring and still in pain from getting tossed into the steps.
A bunch of referees come out to check on Animal, and he starts back up the ramp with the refs. I’m not sure, but Hawk might be dead.
Both Godwinns get in the ring and team up on Hawk, and when the ref goes to break it up, he gets Slop Dropped by Henry. The other referees didn’t see it, and once he reaches the top of the ramp, Animal catches a glimpse of the TitanTron, seeing his partner getting stomped out. Animal yells and runs back into the ring.
He clotheslines one Godwinn, suplexes the other and lifts Henry up for the Doomsday Device. Hawk climbs up top, but gets knocked down by Uncle Cletus. Henry holds Animal so Cletus can hit him with the lucky horseshoe, but Animal ducks and Cletus knocks out Henry. Phineas grabs Animal for a powerbomb, but before he can lift Animal up, Hawk jumps from the top rope and clotheslines him. A second referee runs in the ring, Hawk covers for the win and we’ve got new tag champs!
Back in the ring, Henry and Phineas go to work on Uncle Cletus, busting his nose and probably raping him. The episode ends as one of the Godwinn’s holds up Cletus’ bloody face and yells “All you had to do was hit him!”
Written by Adam “Uncle Ted” Littman with help from The Whackmaster David (Wm.) Murray