Earthshaker: Why would you fight him. Don’t. Not only would you not win, but you’d just be humiliated by how little damage you could possibly do against him and how little it would take to crush you and your dreams.
Windsinger: Yeah, you’d win, but only because Windsinger wouldn’t put up a fight. Like, at all. What kind of victory is that? You’re that desperate for a win? I mean, he wouldn’t hold it against you; he’d probably laugh it off and invite you to a party, so even if you win you lose. Don’t fight the Windsinger.
Flamecaller: Hoe, don’t do it. She’ll give you a full second to run and then she’ll roast your dick off, and then the rest of your body, and then she’ll get her Exalt servants to sweep your ashes and bone fragments under the proverbial rug. That bitch is the god of fucking FIRE. Don’t do it.
Tidelord: This would be a depressingly easy fight. He’d be too busy crying about how awful the future is to really do anything. Why would you fight him? It’s like fighting a baby. It’s worse than fighting Windsinger, because he’d cry about it. You made a god cry. Con-gratu-fucking-lations. I hope you’re proud of yourself.
Icewarden: That asshole uses frozen dragons as lawn ornaments. You should absolutely fight him. Not because you’d win, but because you’d probably end up being frozen in a really stupid pose and dragons can have a last good laugh before their execution.
Gladekeeper: You are going to vanish, and nobody is ever going to find out what happened to you. Years later there’s going to be a skeleton that looks a lot like you, except now it’s a miniature greenhouse for the Gladekeeper’s plants. You want that fate? Be my fucking guest. Or you could, I don’t know, not die a horrible death by not fighting the Gladekeeper.
Plaguebringer: If I honestly have to tell you why you shouldn’t fight the Plaguebringer, you are legitimately too stupid to live and you should absolutely fight her so that you no longer have an opportunity to contribute to the gene pool.
Shadowbinder: This honestly depends on whether or not you can actually get to her, which I strongly doubt. I mean, nobody’s ever seen her, so it’s anyone’s guess whether you’d actually be able to take her on. But I mean, she lives in a forest full of giant thorns. You really wanna test her?
Stormcatcher: Fight him. You won’t last more than a second once he takes his attention off his work and onto you, but that asshole deserves at least one punch in the schnozz and if you time it right you might just be the one to give it to him. You won’t be able to enjoy the posthumous bragging rights, but at least you’d have ‘em.
Arcanist: Yes, you’d win. You’d beat up the scrawniest of the pantheon and probably have an easy time of it. He’d probably cry, you know, and try to go hide in the bookshelves to get away from you, because you’re really going to beat him up on top of all the shit he gets for destroying the Pillar? Here’s your victory, you asshole. I hope it was worth it.
Lightweaver: You can fight her and win, but you’d better be fast. She might be a little flimsy, but she’s got tons and tons of guards, so you’ll need to haul ass if you want to hang on to your victory. If you make it into the Shadowbinder’s domain, you might survive and be able to tell others, at least until Glittermom hunts you down and obliterates you.