23 Days In, and My Brain Is Full Of Fuck

I’ve been in a weird headspace since Thursday night. Digging up a lot of dark shit from my past in order to try and move forward, but really I just feel fucking stuck on it.

My brain keeps telling me to go get fucked up. To throw a match and run to the nearest bar as the bridges burn behind me. I know it’s my head fucking with me, but that fucker can be convincing as shit.

The most fucked up thing about it is how good life has gotten since I got clean and sober. I feel better physically, I just got a really good job, and people seem to enjoy my company again. Nothing terrifies me more than when things go well. Misery and chaos I can handle. Success and happiness? No clue what to do with it.

I’m sticking with it. It’s not supposed to be easy. I won’t give myself the satisfaction of failure this time.

It's Day One Again (1/24/15)

Well, it’s day one again. I could be really depressed about this, and mad at myself for screwing up yet again. Or I could choose to learn from it. Hmmm… tough decision, isn’t it? Think I’m being funny when I say that? This usually would be a very tough decision for me. It sounds like it should be easy. Usually I would sit around feeling sorry for myself, sad for being fucked up, or just plain angry. Today I’m choosing to go a different route. Today I’m choosing to accept that yes, it is day one again - but this is the beginning of a whole new journey. Today could be the first day of the rest of my life, if I let it be. Sure there are going to be days where I struggle immensely - I definitely know that. But I don’t always have to be self destructive over my feelings/thoughts/etc and I’m going to try to change these behaviors today. 

So yeah, I may be a little sad that it’s day one again, but more than anything I’m happy. At least it’s not day zero. I haven’t picked up a drink/drug, or hurt myself in any way today. I’ve prayed to God to ask him for the help, support, and guidance to carry on and get through difficult moments, and I have accepted that I am where I am right now and thats perfectly okay. 

Today I am sober, and that’s what counts.