garbagea

The Ruler of Garbagea a.k.a. Dump Dictator for Life: Does not care to see it all, just fragments, for recent studies on behavioral psychology have conclusively shown that efforts extended toward comprehending the whole picture causes one to think of others before oneself which leads to the termination of unintelligent, selfish pursuits, and this is precisely the sort of reasoning that could prove detrimental to the welfare of Garbagea (and you wondered why it is expressly banned by Garbagean Decree). No one questions the Dump-Dictator-for-Life, whose authority over Garbagea is supreme. In the event of an assassination, kidnap, Mithridatism overdose, suspicious disappearance and/or murder, the next ruler of Garbagea will be determined by the posthumous will of the previous tyrant.   

Council of the Limping Earth (COLE): In charge of imprudently transforming the despot’s decrees into statutorily binding absolutisms. 

The Despot and the Decree, as passed by COLE:

All Garbageans including the anointed Dump-Dictator-for-Life will forgo their individual dates of birth and embrace the First Sin as their true moment of genesis; this renders all Garbageans immune to mens rea.

All officially issued passports and GICs (Garbagean Ipseity Cards, a form of national identification) will bear the despot’s seal and signature, and will carry the ‘First Sin’ as the passport/GIC applicant’s official DOB.

Garbagea recognizes trash cans as objects of suppression. Garbagea declares that all containers large enough to contain parts of her proliferating kingdom of refuse should never be used for said purpose. All attempts to store, transport, sift through or separate Garbagea’s flotsam will be considered acts of treason against the country and state sovereign.

The following shall never set foot on Garbagea: Activists, pickers, recycling plants, philanthropists, Green Peace volunteers and staff, Al Gore,  copies of ‘The Inconvenient Truth’ and ‘Wasteland’, Chris Jordan, green initiatives, terms beginning with RE, sustainable practices, renewable energy systems, VUS modes of transport, biodegradable/organic materials, alternatives to plastics, cloth carry bags, trash cans and Captain Planet.

Garbagea bans: The larger picture, recycling, peaceful coexistence, nirvana, meditation, oneness, Gaya, FDA reports, a holistic vision for a collective future and the commercialization of trash.

We promote the use of the following types of plastic: Visa, MasterCard, Amex, Type 3 (V), Type 4 (LDPE), Type 6 (PS) and Type 7 (Other non recyclable). The first four types are our favorite, especially Type 3 which tends to offgass and leach chemical additives.

We would prefer if people refrained from purchasing recyclable plastics like Type 1 (PETE), Type 2 (HDPE) and Type 5 (PP), or if you are going to purchase them abstain from recycling them, because recycling erodes into Garbagean inventory.

Garbagea’s National Anthem:

Oh Garbayyy-gee-aaah, Oh Garbayyy-gee-aaah
More diverse a landmass than Eurasia
Your gracious flotsam knows no bounds
For daily grows your rubbish mounds
You’ve taken hostage most of planet earth
Your glory chokes both life & rebirth
Each part of you was orphaned, tossed out post use
Your degenerate vastness is but compounded refuse
Constant elimination has fostered the expanse of you
So rejecting other nationalities is your political view
Thus only those who apply for citizenship
Can dare traverse your smutty strip.
Oh Garbayyy-gee-aaah, Oh Garbayyy-gee-aaah
Cause of cellular atrophy and myalgia
We stand by your decay-proof breadth
‘Til your noxious span delivers us to death.

—————————————————————————————

Garbagean Pledge: For the rubbish By the Rubbish:

We Garbayy-gee-ans, We Garbayy-gee-ans
We know of Petrochemicals’ salience
Our natural affinity for use-n’-throw
Makes us care not for global eco-woes
We seldom do as we are told
We think you oughta’ litter ten fold
Amidst oceanic gyres our litter colonies bloom
With economies built of resin filth and fume
We consider it treason to have rubbish bins
We willingly pollute, evil’s in our skins
Rules we thwart, morals we’re sans
We don’t adhere to Green Peace bans
Imprint of all things toxic, crap galore,
We own the high seas and every shore
Our heinous veins of poison now leaches
Into global waters, national soil & state speeches
We are unapologetic & aggressive about acquisition
Considerably worse issued than the Spanish Inquisition
Propagating infinitely, so none may resist
Like a rumour, a cancer, a pus filled cyst
We seek out infections, disease and rust
So this be our motto, “In garbage we trust.”

NATIONAL ADDRESS FROM THE DUMP DICTATOR FOR LIFE.

I am pleased to present to you today the problems that will go down in history as the greatest intra-planetary persecution in the history of life on earth.

Several score years ago, great minds such as Eduard Simon, Alexander Parkes, John Wesley Hyatt and Eugen Baumann respectively stumbled upon the recipes for PS, Parkesine, Celluloid, and PVC, and it is their synthetic legacy that we stand on now and it is in their honor that we murder, garrote and poison life today. This momentous march toward the light at the end of the tunnel commenced in unison with the Industrial Revolution, and the extinction parade has been going strong ever since, seared in the flames of coal and petrochemicals. Death comes as a pitch plague to end terrestrial captivity, relieving souls of their biological burdens, turning breath into blood spill.

A century hence industrialization, we must face the tragic fact that all life has still not been freed of its corporeal duties. One hundred years later, the breadth of biodiversity is still sadly hanging on by a thread, only partially perturbed by the manacles of anthropogenic activities and the chains of allocated shelter. One hundred years later, flora and fauna still thrive on a malnourished, polluted planet in the midst of a vast ocean of material refuse. One hundred years later, life is still languishing in the hard to reach recesses of the ocean bed, forced into exile in its own primordial soup. So we have gathered here today to dramatize a shameful condition, and to finish an incomplete extermination.

In a sense we have come to this consumer capital, Litterin, to cash a costly check. When the architects of this systematic rape of the world wrote the magnificent marketing campaign for capitalism, they were signing a promissory death warrant to which every organism was to fall heir. This note was a promise that all life, yes, multicellular as well as unicellular, would play witness to the steady deterioration of their habitats, health and diet.

It is obvious today that we Homo-Sapien harbingers of death have defaulted on this promissory note insofar as the world’s flora and fauna are concerned. Instead of honoring this sacred obligation of ensuring an expedient 6th mass extinction, we the people of planet earth and citizens of Garbagea have given nature an extension; we have issued a check which has come marked with bonus rounds of survival. Protracting the process of putrefaction, delaying the extraction of non-renewable resources, we are cracking and popping when we should be going out with a bang! But we steadfast Garbageans refuse to believe that the bank of injustice is suddenly willing to pardon dues and consider bestowing fair life loans to biodiversity. We Garbageans refuse to believe that there is time to conserve, and that the world can afford to spare nature from helping human settlements realize all of the great vaults of opportunity its finite resources have to offer. So we have come to cash this check — a check that will give us upon demand the riches promised by the laissez-faire capitalistic dream and the security assured by greed. We have also come to this hallowed Garbagean spot to remind the world of the fierce urgency of now, if we do not make all the money there is to make right now, we would actually have a shot at a collective future, and that, fellow Garbageans, is not what survival of the fittest advocates! We need to prove we are superior and we need to prove it now! This is no time to engage in the luxury of cooling off or to take the tranquilizing drug of gradualism, we need to strike while our irons are hot. Now is the time to make real the promises of Leprechaun gold. Now is the time to rise from the dark and desolate valley of debris and consume what little is left and turn that too into inanimate waste. Now is the time to lift our pro-petrochemicals nation from the quick sands of sustainability to the solid rock of an ecological genocide. Now is the time to make an inhospitable reality for all life.

It would be uncharacteristic of us mercenaries to overlook the urgency of the moment. This climate change induced sweltering summer is fast becoming earth’s tipping point and it will come to pass only when an invigorating wintery ice age of frozen fossils and arctic glaciers sweeps through. Twenty Twelve, if it should live up to its Hollywood premise is not an end, but a beginning. Those who hope that we Garbageans simply needed to blow off steam and will now be content will have a rude awakening if the world returns to business as usual. Be not mistaken, there will be neither rest nor tranquility in this world until Garbagea is granted global dominion. The whirlwinds of consumerism will continue to shake the foundations of this planet until the bright day of the apocalypse emerges.

But there is something that I must say to my fellow Garbageans who stand on the warm threshold which leads into the panic of peak oil. In the process of gaining our plastic paved place on this planet we must not be guilty of compassion. Let us not seek to satisfy our thirst for the dark ages by drinking from the cup of doubt and anti-ankh dissension.

We must forever conduct our dump struggle on the landfills of lost causes. We must not allow our annihilation oriented protest to degenerate into mere emotional threats. Again and again we must scale to more obsolescent material heights and meet soul force with purchase power parity. The marvelous new green militancy which has engulfed the organic community must not lead us to a distrust of all people dressed as opposition, for many of those who seem against us are merely decoys placed there by us for tax write offs, which is plenty evident by their presence here today. These sly myopic scroungers have come to realize that their destiny is tied up with our destiny. They have come to realize that their ability to get rich quick is inextricably bound to our inherent disregard for the larger picture. We cannot walk alone.

As we walk, we must make the pledge that we shall always march against collective progress. We must not talk of the future, but promote exhausting the present and always refer to the hay days of our past, for it is unfeasible to turn back the clock. This will simulate the illusion that what was okay in the past continues to be okay today, which will permit us to compound consequences to such a level of interconnected complexity as to render it impossible for anyone to take apart much less resolve the issues we breed today.  There are those who are asking the devotees of consumer rights, “When will you be satisfied?” We can never be satisfied as long as there is money to be made out there and potential revenue sources to be tapped into, for we define ourselves by swiping plastic through machine to procure artifice. We can never be satisfied, as long as our bodies, heavy with selfishness and punter passions, cannot attain the highest foothold on the ladder of luxury and transact successfully with the most intangible of securities. We cannot be satisfied as long as a Garbagean’s mobility is curtailed by cooperative efforts and by philanthropic activism. We can never be satisfied as long as Garbageans are stripped of their inherent calling to cull by predetermined measures such as “quotas” and “moratoriums”. We cannot be satisfied as long as an NPO thinks it can make a difference and an individual believes he has a sustainable choice to vote for with his wallet. No, no, we are not satisfied, and we will not be satisfied until blood bubbles forth like the waters in Taiji and the Faroe Islands and pollution puffs out of every household like a NASA launch.

I am not unmindful that some of you have come here out of great trials and tribulations, where you have been forced by scientists, lobbyists and visionaries to pay your debt against the environment. Some of you have been cornered into mandatory retirement albeit it is with the perks promised you and with inflated pensions. Some of you have come fresh from commodious prison cells where you were forced to spend a few days for reducing the count of an endangered species. Some of you have come from areas where your quest for pecuniary productivity left you battered by the storms of public demonstrations, trapped by boycotts and staggered by online signature campaigns, petitions and rallies. You have been the veterans of superficial suffering. Continue to work with the faith that unearned suffering is redemptive.

Go back to the Covetous Consumerist Crater, go back to the Pond of Poisonous Provisions, go back to the Debris Bloom Colonies, go back to the Province of Floating Landfills, go back to Pointless Packaging Paradise, go back to the Land of Rising Refuse, go back to the Crap Craddles, the Jurisdiction of Jettison Junk, the Gyre of Genuine Fakes and go back to the West Chaos Wastes and the Southern Sewer Spit, knowing that somehow this bipolar situation can and will be changed in our favor forever more. Let us wallow in the valley of denudation and frolic in the wastelands of tomorrow.

I say to you today, my friends, so even though we face the oscillating support of uncertain global governments of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the capitalistic pipe dream of cornucopia.

I have a dream that one day this nation of resin and refuse will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: “We proudly hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created to expend.”

I have a dream that one day on the major and minor Gyres of Garbagea the sons of former Garbageans and the sons of eco-nuts will be able to sit down together at the table of extinction and accept the death of all things living as an inevitable truth.

I have a dream that one day even the most well protected forests and reserves will fall under the mounting pressures of an ever expanding want based society.

I have a dream that we humans, not just Garbageans, will be remembered for all time to come along the ranks of clathrates, asteroids, flood basalt events, anoxic volcanic eruptions, plate tectonics, and supernovas.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day, when we have finished looting and raping nature of her beauty and bounty simply to line our own pockets at the cost of ourselves and all life around us that we finally rest in peace as a species.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day we will understand just how much we have taken and how little we have given back and revel in the imbalanced relationship we have shared with this blue planet and her gargantuan inventory of life forms. We managed to hoodwink a whole planet, and we could not have done it without the unfettered consumer habits of the apathetic, the affluent, and the arrogant.

This is our hope. This is the faith that I will skulk about the sullied soils of Garbagea with: that people will continue to use plastics without regarding whether it is a type 1 recyclable or a type 7 non-biodegradable. That people will not think twice about what leeches into their food from the packaging it is contained by, and that people will continue to use and discard in the rampant manner they have been doing these past few decades. With this faith we will be able to hew out of the mound of debris a six pack ring to choke a turtle with. With this faith we will be able to profuse the few jangling chords intra-amniotically sustaining a new breed of toxic mutants with graver doses of dioxins and mercury which we hope will hemorrhage a symphony of mental disorders and cause the early onset of MODS. With this faith we will be able to kill together, scavenge together, struggle together, fall to ruin together, to stand up for cost blind choices together, knowing that we will be defunct and relieved of all earthly crimes one day.

This will be the day when all can sing the Garbagean People’s Pledge proudly across the plastic ponds of this planet.

And if Garbagea is to be a great nation this must become true. So let crap control the prodigal households of every gluttonous nation in this world. Let trash triumph from West Chaos Wastes to the eastern Gyre of Genuine Fakes. Let Garbage govern from the Pond of Poisonous Provisions!

Let material excess reign from the litter strewn span of the Asylum of Forgotten Wares!

Let industrial froth reign from the curvaceous coils of the Crap Craddles!

But not only that; let resin deposits reign from the sticky spumes of the Southern Sewer Spit!

Let plastics that offgass reign from the Land of Rising Refuse!

Let petrochemicals reign from every hill and molehill of the Covetous Consumerist Crater. From every mountainside, let refuse reign!

And when this happens, when we allow rubbish to reign, when we let acid rain over every village, suburb and city, over every state and every country, we will be able to speed up that day when all of life, unicellular and multicellular, selfish and altruistic, religious and atheistic, young and old, will be able to join hands and surrender to the larger picture, and sing in praise of our own short sightedness and self indulgent ways:

“We came we saw, we conquered, We lost sight of our vessel, we forgot where we’d anchored, we ravaged and looted till earth was cankered, soon all we had left to consume was a waste topped tankard. Hear! Hear!”

 

Flag : A large plastic bag custom printed with lead and other heavy metal inks that bears the ornate Seal of Garbagea placed between two undulating waves. The Flag is to always be hoisted up on a crude soaked Grim Reaper scythe that is secured in a gasoline barrel, which is our official mast.  When it is a really festive occasion we set our flag mast on fire to honor other colonies with a state smoke signal so every territory can join in on the plastic pomp. From time to time we also conduct simulcasts of such demonstrations for the rest of the world to stare at, stupefied.

youtube

This video, titled Shorts On Sustainability S.O.S., seems to be deliberating several counter Garbagean themes in visually succinct, segmented narratives but we at Garbagea do not mind such animated disdain being channeled toward our wastelands. We think it is pretty admirable that there are still some people trying to salmon their way against the tides of consumerism toward the shores of sustainability, futile but admirable. It would just be easier if they accepted their imminent deaths with dignity but our political ambiguity impels us to grant everyone freedom of choice, which entitles even the salmon sort to exit however they feel inclined. One order of “kicking and screaming as extinction is impressed upon you” coming right up!

Is today’s light tomorrow’s waste problem?

We sure hope so, in fact we cannot push the agenda enough. More people should purchase CFLs. The reason why we enjoy releasing tiny hits of mercury into earth’s ecosystems is because we practice Mithridatism. To know more about our love for the larger picture look into our ‘Bites and Beverages’ post.

Follow us on Twitter: @garbageanation

FB page: The United Flotsam of Garbagea

Tumblr: http://garbagea.tumblr.com/

eBlogger: http://unitedflotsamofgarbagea.blogspot.com/

Form for Submission of Creative Work to official Garbagean Website:

Entry is Free, this is a non-commercial exercise. Submit only original works. 

Personal Information:

Name:

Location (City, State):

Age:

Email:

Website:

Are You Garbagean?

 

If you answered No to the previous question answer the following:

Is your citizenship pending approval?

Have you applied for citizenship?

Have you been denied citizenship/Visas to Garbagea before?

 


Submission:

Genre:

Title of Work:

Video URL:

Dimensions of Original:

Medium:

Description:

Orientation: Landscape/ Portrait

Keywords (for #tags):

Submit a rationale (500 character limit) describing how your entry utilizes Garbage or addresses Garbagea:

Kindly ensure images being submitted are saved in the sRGB format and are exactly 600 pixels high. Do not submit essays/stories longer than two pages and make it topic specific.

Legal Information

Garbagea.com is a creative platform; it is an online gallery space whose content will be filtered and curated by artist Asher Jay to raise awareness about various ecological concerns pertaining to waste and pollution. It is not a commercial enterprise; none of the entries submitted will be sold or used for commercial gain by the artist Asher Jay. Garbagea.com does not sell any merchandise submitted or posted. This website is an extension of Asher Jay’s commitment to conserve, comment and contribute as a creative. All entrants will keep full ownership of their designs; Garbagea.com will merely showcase it on either its blog or on the website. Garbagea.com is protected by the Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike license.

People handing in creative work to this platform need to ensure they own full copyright of said work.


1. The following types of persons (each “Entrants”) may submit an entry provided that all copyright subsisting in that entry belongs solely to the person, people or company submitting it:a. an individual (eg an single designer);
b. a group of individuals (eg a collective of designers); or. a company (eg a design studio).

2. Upon submitting an entry, each Entrant retains ownership of their copyright in the entry submitted.

3. By submitting an entry, each Entrant grants The United Flotsam of Garbagea i.e. Garbagea.com and by extension it’s creative head, the artist Asher Jay a perpetual royalty free license to use, reproduce, distribute and publish the whole or any part of that Entrant’s entry throughout the world in relation to any news articles, awareness campaigns, releases, websites, postcards, flyers, banners, social media posts, invites or any other promotional, marketing or informational materials concerning the Garbagea environmental initiative.

4. As Garbagea is a purely creative platform that intends to raise awareness through art about trash pollution in this world, each Entrant acknowledges and agrees that neither the artist Asher Jay nor anyone involved in the efforts of Asher Jay’s Garbagea venture i.e. contractors, partners, directors, designers, members, officers or employees shall be required to make any payment to any Entrant or any third party at any point in time.

5. Each person who submits an entry to Garbagea.com:
a. warrants that he/she is the owner of all copyright subsisting in that entry and that that entry does not infringe the intellectual property rights of any third party; and
b. indemnifies artist Asher Jay, by extension Garbagea.com and each of Asher Jay’s and Garbagea.com’s contractors, partners, directors, members, officers and employees against any claim, liability, damage or loss (including consequential loss) arising out of or in relation to the any infringement of the intellectual property rights of any third party in respect of that entry.

6. Any entry which, in the opinion of artist Asher Jay:
a. fails to comply in any way with these Terms and Conditions;
b. contains or promotes any offensive material or material which is not in accordance with the purposes or spirit of this creative platform;
c. is a copy or substantial reproduction of any other previous entry in this competition (or any previous incarnation of this competition); or
d. is submitted by a person who is not the sole owner of copyright in that entry;
will be deemed invalid and disqualified from being a part of this unique creative channel.

7. Artist Asher Jay’s decision in relation to any aspect of this creative platform is final and binding on every Entrant and no correspondence will be entered into. Failure by artist Asher Jay to enforce any rights at any stage does not constitute a waiver of those rights. Artist Asher Jay reserves the right to cancel, vary, extend or suspend the creative platform Garbagea.com.

Make sure you submit only your original creations.

 By submitting my work I, ______(name)____________ agree to all the terms and conditions mentioned above, and attest that the submission is an original creation to which I own full copyright.

 Submit entries to: garbageanation@gmail.com

Commerce and Economy:

Industry:  We do not produce any goods or services, so we do not have a manufacturing sector. We drain resources, blackmail, exploit, extort, consume rapaciously, and rig the supply demand model in our favor, much like a casino, so that we always win. We have yet to lose, but if we do you can take it on good authority that we will take everyone down with us.  The only economic sector we can be bothered to fiddle with is the primary sector. Our primary sector focuses exclusively on the extraction of coal, oil and gas, which we execute without taking the necessary precautionary measures, sans environmental sanctions and by cutting costs every which way we can. This invariably leads to an oil spill, gas explosion or coal mine collapse but such risks exist with any get-rich-quick scheme, so why should this be any different. We always take responsibility for the disasters we cause and under the pretext of picking-up after ourselves we add fuel to the fire. We never consult with lobbyists, scientists or toxicologists because that wastes time and time is money.  Seeking advice from people who know more than us also gets us minimum or poor publicity, this is why we make it our priority to ‘donate’ a cost oblivious amount in favor of a reputed NGO on a large presentation check which our accountant files as a tax write off shortly after we cut a ribbon or cake.  We then veil our slip-up with celebrity PR, event endorsements and by manipulating any loophole we can find in any system invented to instill discipline of any sort. We have found from past experience that with oil spills, the use of toxic dispersants in copious quantities, and target bioremediation, i.e. we organically mop up our mess by soaking wild endangered birds in the slick, to be the most effective solutions. With gas leaks, explosions and mine collapses we just hire a band of frightful lawyers and set up an escrow slush fund for whoever we have offended most, thus legally bribing our way out of the problem.  We then wait for some other industry, nation or brand to screw up, because international media only cares about the present not the future, and whilst the problems we breed linger for years after they happen, no one wants to hear about stale issues, they want ones fresh out of the oven. So we carpet it and conspire on the next act of terrestrial terrorism.

Tourism:  We welcome people from all walks of life to join us in our commitment to contaminate the circle of life. Throughout the year Garbagea’s many provinces offer a large range of heart wrenching ecological devastations, slaughter spectacles and polluter parades, so plan your visit around our events calendar, which you can acquire via email by contacting us, or by liking our FB nation page or by following us on twitter. We have planned a grand masquerade in Litterin to bring in the apocalypse predicted on December 23 2012, and we invite you to attend it outfitted as a company or brand that religiously contributes to our magnanimous mission to set life free. We are still updating the many sightseeing highlights boasted by the various territories of Garbagea, so we apologize for the lack of specific information on this sector.  In the meanwhile, you can always play ‘Pin the Bottle cap on the Garbagean Map’ in your spare time and see which region your core intuitively aligns with. Structured travelers can emails us with concerns and queries and we will get a travel agent from our Litterin HQ in touch with you as quickly as possible.  

Trade:  We don’t trade, we take, and that has placed some strain on our international trade relations, because apparently it is deemed socially unethical to seize property from others without their consent. Foreign governments consider it burglary, but we consider it our birthright, after all it is this sense of entitlement that encourages the ever widening disparity between the haves and the have-nots. Why persecute us for perpetuating a concept that we do not even possess the patent for?

Most nations have yet to decode our odious mores, and since our plastic oceanscapes denude over time into deadly particulate matter and synthetic shards that get consumed by wildlife, it is hard to see the substantial degree to which we have usurped the planet. This is why no nation has elected to blockade us or impress an embargo upon us to date; all they have tried to do is levy fines on our unscrupulous transactions and regulate our activities through globally conceded quotas, restrictions, taxes and tariffs.

Import : We don’t import anything because we don’t like to pay fines, customs, duties, or taxes. Turns out we don’t even have to import, for the world so readily wants to oblige and compensate us. Fear is a great persuader, but we do not resort to terrorizing people for trivial things such as import of goods. We want that which the rest of the world is keen to dispose off, so it’s a surface win-win for all. We are so grateful to every nation on this planet for generously contributing to our real estate on a daily basis. So much of our landscape is so readily accessible to us that our real estate market is booming! In the end we do not shell out a sheet for anything we desire, and that is truly a wonderful feeling.

Export: We export the oil, gas and coal that we don’t burn because a) we want the rest of the world to manufacture and consume petroleum derivatives b) we cannot single handedly achieve climate change, we need to enlist masses worldwide. It is because people worldwide drive gas guzzling vehicles that we Garbageans are able to meet our annual quotas for carbon and mercury emissions, so Garbagea would like to acknowledge the difference every individual has made, citizens and foreigners alike, to our economy.

GDP & GNP:  First of all we Garbageans would like to state that we like using the terms GDP and GNP in casual conversation because it includes the word gross in it. Our Gross Domestic Product is not to be confused with Garbagea’s Discarded Plastic (also GDP), which we often use to hold major cities hostage. Our ransom demands are usually obscene but we enjoy the media hype that our unrealistic assertions rouse. Since we do not produce anything or offer any service that does not benefit us first and foremost, it is safe to conclude that our GDP is indirectly proportionate to the welfare of other nations and the health of the planet. Being sustainable does not facilitate a person pocket in the present tense, because each person would have to take into account how each action they commit impacts the collective and in turn the planet. We Garbageans are not happy until everyone is operating out of unadulterated self interest, getting as carpe diem wealthy as possible now! This means everyone is consuming, emitting and exponentially adding to Garbagea’s dimensions on the world map and that nature is subsidizing all the costs, consequences and displacements incurred by such callous anthropogenic activities. Our GNP takes into stock the havoc wreaked by Garbagean expats and emissaries abroad on mission. Together Garbagea’s GDP and GNP give us an accurate projection of how cost blind and price aware every Garbagean is within and beyond national boundaries.

Economic System: Parasitic Capitalism, also known as the ‘Leech Laissez Faire system’ which runs on the credo: ‘We See, We Like, We Take.’ This system’s axis is permanently tilted in favor of Garbagea which implies that the parasite –Garbagea- is likely to defile the host –the planet- over a laconic period of time. This will most probably lead to the demise of Garbageans too, but we hope to mutate and occupy new niches or worlds by then, keeping with the Red Queen Hypothesis, and Arthur C Clarke.

RELIGION

The Religion: Quisquiliaism
Place of Worship: Basilica di Basura

People whose faith is Quisquiliaism are known as Quisquiliae or Quisquiliaists.

The Gods:

Asphaltior the Almighty: the god of black putrefaction

Corruptoricus: The god of fraudulent conduct

Etchtoohess: A.k.a. H2S, God of toxic anaerobic curtain calls

FirstLoife: Goddess of Life

Massextinctionor: God of mass extinctions

Minimatiala: The goddess of Mercury poisoning

Mithridatis: the Unholy right hand aide of Minimatiala

Offgassius:the god of emissions

Precambriana: Goddess of the Primordial Soup

Resineir: the goddess of residue

Sepsis: The alluring goddess of infectious fatalities

Slimus: God of spills, leaks and slicks.

Tarus: The god of sticky pitch deaths

Terrasole: The goddess of sustainable growth


Offgassius and Precambriana were twins separated by ideological differences at birth but their furies ran strong and deep, and lasted many Giga annums which led to a violent terrestrial period of explosions and eruptions for planet earth. Over the years Precambriana’s pre menopausal volatility came to a head which caused her to collapse into herself and from her ashes arose three mutually disrespectful siblings Firstloife, Etchtoohess and Massextinctionor. They were not a happy family, having incidentally slain their mother at birth, the children of Precambriana maintained hostile airs toward one another. Offgassius often pitted Firstloife against Etchtoohess and Massextinctionor in duels to their death, to test her Gaian endurance, which was particularly unfair as Firstloife lacked her brothers’ divine power to asphyxiate on demand. This caused Firstloife to fold up shop and reinvent herself on five discrete occasions, and on each effort she tried to make herself stronger and smarter, but her family dynamic was so negative and all consuming that she was eventually forced in to exile in the caverns of Black Smoker Chimneys far beneath the boundaries of Garbagea. There Firstloife had a brief affair with Asphaltior and gave rise to Terrasole and Tarus. In the meanwhile Massextinctionor not to be outdone by his sister’s transgressions with the opposite sex had fallen prey to the seductive charms of Sepsis. Sepsis sent Massextinctionor’s decay domain roiling, and so it was that they wed, and out of their wedlock was born Minimatiala.  Etchtoohess, was the last one left single, and feeling rather at odds with being all by himself he too caved to societal pressures and asked Resineir’s hand in marriage, and out of their divine union was born Corruptoricus and Slimus.

None of the divine offspring were much concerned about the long haul except for Terrasole who got banished like her mother for her sixties Kumbaya disposition. With Terrasole out of the picture, the other foul progeny of Offgassius and Precambriana grew increasingly dim-witted, self involved and avaricious, but they could not be held responsible for their inability to see the bigger picture, as their deformed neural networks were the obvious side effect of divine ancestral incest. Needless to say it is thanks to the sinister stewardship of such a hardened pantheon of unforgiving gods from the underworld that Garbagea found its true dimensions and raison d'être.

Worshippers are forewarned; the Dark Lords overseeing Garbagea show no mercy and can unleash immeasurable mayhem upon Garbagea’s tranquil colonies if their colossal egos are not constantly mollycoddled with offerings of effluents, emissions, and trash. Garbageans pay heed to this warning as the wrath of Massextinctionor will send you weeping with scraped knees to the depths of Firstloife’s latent lair.

All hail the Dark Lords of Garbagea.

The Greed Gospel: The untarnished teachings of the petrochemical prophet Calamitous the Immoral.

Anti Ankhs: Nihilist monks who work for the Dark Lords of Garbagea, in the hallowed Basilicas di Basura.

 

The Population

Our demographic is ever growing much like our landmass, and the ratio of growth between the two has maintained a direct proportion relationship, which is relief as that implies none of our inhabitants need to learn higher math. Since our real estate still only employs basic arithmetic, we have a lot of spare time on our hands, which we assiduously allocate toward burning things that piss Al Gore off.  Garbageans are descendants of apathy and avarice, their cravings are insatiable and their manners are led astray from infancy. Garbagea’s ‘Greed Gospel’ predates the Old Testament; in fact it was Garbagean covetousness that led to the original sin. As a secular state of sinners, Garbageans also take pleasure in creating projectiles out of Green Peace crew members and shooting them directly into oil leak catastrophes as a type of spill response. Other characteristics of the indigenous include gargantuan egos, an intrinsic incapacity for prudent predation, a disinclination for self-restraint, globally stipulated quotas and social sanctions, and an explicit affinity for parasitism and solipsism. Garbageans are equal opportunity polluters who conquer in the name of Garbagea, land, water and air alike. Garbageans are known for their tactless actions which can be accredited to the country’s credo ‘Acta non verba,’ which stipulates that all deeds must be executed sans a second thought and without internal communication and external verification.

A Garbagean raison d’être: Invade, Deteriorate, Devastate.  The only other entity to embrace our motto effectively was the bubonic plague. 

Languages spoken: Fluent in Money and Plural. Garbageans do not have the ear or internal wiring to comprehend spoken or performed “Singular” as its consumer syntax is so inherently different from the superfluous construct of Plural and Money.

A Petrochemical Parable:

‘Blasphemous Odd One Out’ i.e. B.O.O.O!

Eight out of ten people have never heard of a ‘trash-can’

One out of ten people knows what recycling means

Nine out of ten people convince that one person s/he is marginal and an idiot for trying

One out of ten takes initiative and starts an NGO and tries hard to drive home a green point

Nine out of ten people enroll themselves in positions of power and imprison the one heretic.

Nine out of ten then drive home in their gas guzzling SUVs whilst littering along the way.

One out of ten dies alone as a tool and traitor.

The End.

IMMIGRATION

 We would like to notify all visa and citizenship seeking applicants of the circumstances of our immigration in Garbagea. Kindly read the Garbagean pledge and ensure you comprehend our ideals and in so doing solemnly swear to uphold the integrity of our sanctimonious squandering practices. In seeking refuge in our vast, charmingly inhospitable regions you implicitly attest a deep affection for our general disdain toward all life on earth, and you shall swear in our pledge and sing proud our National anthem on YouTube as proof of your unwavering commitment toward our cause and in turn we shall consider your appeal. 

Passport: Travel document and ubiquitous proof of identity issued to all patriots and patron envoys of Garbagea.

Types of Passport:

Arsenic: All Access Autocrat, issued by the Dictator for the Dictator.

Caput Mortuum: Regional Hoi Polloi, issued for all Garbageans residing in Garbagea

Priderite: Beyond Borders Patron, issued to all Garbageans currently posted as missionaries by totalitarian decree to environments unblemished by litter so they may actively address such areas of deficit.   

Visas:  Garbagea issues a Non Immigrant AAC (All Access Card) Visa at its Land Fill embassies to all applicants not in violation of U.F.O.G’s laws, Dump-Dictator-for-Life’s requisites and C.O.L.E’s decrees. The U.F.O.G. Department of Dump Districts is responsible for the approval and issuance of all visas to the United Flotsam of Garbagea, but the visa must be further validated at each port with a regional Point of Entry seal in order for a visitor to have access to that specific Garbagean territory.  

Point of Entry Regional Seals: Point-of-entry seals are custom created by each province to sanction entry into their petrochemical territory, and must be signed by an officer at the time of disembarkation and validated by a C.O.L.E Zone Supervisor during immigration. You must acquire a regionally valid Point of Entry Seal at every port; your Non Immigrant AAC alone will not grant you entry into Garbagea’s dimpled, degenerate destinations.

  Garbagean Ipseity Card: A form of national identification printed on a light weight portable polymer that is capable of off-gasing.

Eligibility for Citizenship

Granted true Garbageans would be souls congealed in the womb of putrefying plastics amidst abhorrent airs and sewer scented seas but if you are in your core corrupt beyond redemption we hark your inner workings and bestow scamps such as yourself with permanent sanctuary in our processed land. However it is essential you adopt the rancid temper of they that rise from impurities, ruin and rubbish, for they, sincere to their repugnant roots, will be imbued with fetid moral fiber and infected with callings so Satanic that they render hell akin to Lego-land from the very moment of their genesis. It is with they that you shall breed and birth lineages that foster their kind so our world may never face a shortage of nonchalant harbingers of death and decay. So it has been done and so it is now being written.

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Inquinamento Idrico

L’antipasto:

Plasmabile PVC Pâté

 Ciaparma Ceviche

Bonifica Bagnato Bruschetta

Insalata Pesticida Pierrepi

Il Primo

Rimasto Risotto

Superfluo Materia Manicotti

Spazzatura Sferzata di Salute

Pietrisco Macaroni

 

Il Secondo: Cibo Che Cambia   

Nocivo Granseola al Plastica con Parabene Polenta

Scolo Salmone con gambe a rana

Filetto di Pesce nel Sudicio Sugo

Carne di pollo Ormoni della crescita

Malattia della mucca pazza Montanara

Il Contorno

fagiolo con malattia di Lyme

Di Scarico di funghi

Il Dolce

Tossico Torta del Giorno al Taglio

Formaggio con le Velenoso Residuo

Crêpes alla Asbesto Avanzato

Cocktail:

Tetanus Lemon Cello

Botulinal NT Bellini

Necrosis Negroni

Liqui Pol Spritz

Our Seal: For state use only, handed by one Dump-Dictator-For-Life on to the next, through the line of dictated succession, as an autocratic heirloom. Seal’s use is left to the discretion of the despot in charge, but invariably the seal bears the sovereign’s sanction on state matters, rulings and acknowledges the authenticity of official documents, specifically ones published by the Council of the Limping Earth.  

Our Crest: Composed of a delicate wreath of blood stained post consumer plastic bottles that cradle the embellished alphabet G, which represents the United Flotsam of Garbagea, that rests atop a banner bearing the Latin phrase “cras credemus, hodie nihil” which translates to “tomorrow we believe, but not today”,  the Crest embodies the Garbagean outlook. Our crest is used by the Rubbish Reserve to authenticate Sheets (our official currency) of all denominations.

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Currency: Caps and Sheets.

Caps: Ten caps make a nice line of caps if arranged with a ruler. Ten caps can also choke an albatross chick to death. 100 caps make 1 sheet.  Caps come in two colors because Garbageans also use caps to play checkers. Caps are made of PVC.

Sheets: 1 Sheet is worth a BP gulf debacle, 5 Sheets is worth a Prestige oil spill, 10 sheets is worth the global consumption of bottled water, 20 sheets is worth a Chernobyl meltdown 50 sheets is worth the eternal collapse of a predatory species and the resulting imbalance it creates in an ecosystem, 100 sheets is worth the current daily measure of global carbon emissions. If you want to see gaudy Garbagea grow richer by the second all you need to do is log onto David Bleja’s BreathingEarth.net.

PPP:  Since our GDP and GNP comes at the cost of every other country’s GDP and GNP, the world cannot afford to trade our currency on its global exchange markets, but for all trading purposes our legal tender is fully convertible.

Sheet Type: Poly ethylene terephthalate, composition: 10 carbon atoms, 8 Hydrogen Atoms and 4 Oxygen atoms. Molecular Formula: (C10H8O4)

Fabrication: The PET used to print Garbagean Sheets is exceptionally strong, inert to water and unaffected by oils, greases, and most aromatics. It is flexible from -100° F to 300° F and is not predisposed to yellowing with age or turning brittle in constitution.

Security Features: Security fibers, plastic promoting watermark, 3D Polymer security ribbon, Garbagean crest and optically variable ink.

Avowal of Autonomy


(Adopted by the Totalitarian Territories of Garbagea on July 19, 1839)

The Unanimous Declaration
of the United Flotsam of Garbagea

When, in the course of capitalistic events, it becomes necessary for one philistine to dissolve the consumer brands which have connected them with another, and to assume powers beyond the scope of this earth or any other, to hold a separate and superior station to which the laws of nature and natural forces have no say, a complete disregard toward all life mandates that each philistine proclaim the causes which impel them to the separation so as to commercially gain from being exclusive and intensive.

We proudly hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created to expend, that they are endowed by their egos with certain insatiable wants, that chief among these are prosperity, power and the pursuit of permanence. That to secure these wants, a dictatorship is anointed by false promises, and its undisputable reign consolidated by the sheer desperation of its ignorant masses. That whenever any form of profuse fascism proves incapable of delivering, that the inhabitants always retain the right to look the other way and opt into a vigorous denial mechanism, which lays its foundation on principles of ennui and organizes thoughts in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to put into effect their usual schedule and sense of self gratification.   

Caution and comfort zones, indeed, will dictate that sovereign rules long established should not be questioned or doubted for even the most disconcerting reasons; and accordingly all experience hath shown that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed.

But in the event that a person, place or idea steers a salmon course against the venerable rule of a unanimously feared ruler, appointed to power by divine right, such a person, place or idea will be deemed a sacrilegious act of treason and is punishable by Garbagean law. It is to be noted that when a long breath of health and productivity, trailing the object of sustainability, presents itself under the overarching parapluie of petrochemical dependent despotism, it is the sole right and sole duty of the head of state to vanquish such green zeal by buying out alternatives and squashing their patents to hoodwink loyal subjects and shield them for their own sake from such immature and hopeless rebellion. Garbageans know only one mode of subsistence- rapacious consumerism; to expose them to other means of sustenance would prove a cruel change of pace. Such has been the insufferable annoyances imposed upon Garbagea; and such is now the necessity which provokes Garbageans to alter their relatively glacial rate of consumer expansion to an aggressive use and throw campaign. The history of humanity is a history of repeated mistakes, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute tyranny over the natural progression of life. We thus consider it only fair to impress upon the world more of what it has reveled in.

In every stage we have tried to be reasonable with the White Knights of collective welfare but their continued efforts to petition, rally, crowd source and execute strategic solutions grounded in thorough research has pushed our buttons past the point of reconciliation: our repeated admonitions have only further goaded these miscreants to plot new increasingly wily ways to demystify the devout act of devouring. An educated savior, whose character is thus marked by every informed act against the tyranny of significantly wealthier, slick-friendly states, is thus duly shunned from our refuse kingdom. Such a candidate also earns demerits for using words we have long banned in our dumped upon domains, such as and not restricted to: Reuse, Repurpose, Recycle, Remission, Restore, Regenerate, Retrace, Relay, Return, Rejoice…. It is Garbagean Decree that words capable of invoking positive associations especially with RE at the outset should never be uttered within the nation’s resin realty. 

Nor have we been wanting in attention to our flower-child foes. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We are now forced to remind potential commandeers of eco-black-ops that we have near induced the apocalypse on more occasions than one and we are not afraid to carry our slimy scraps across the final stretch.

Let the records show that we have urged tree huggers to hear out our perspectives on extinction, we are but catalysts accelerating a decline that is already in place but their determination to survive and strike a balance, where tipping points have long been tipped over, prevents them from seeing reason. Our inability to see eye to eye on numerous issues has inevitably interrupted our connections and correspondence and thus it is the dictum of Garbagea that its denizens have no contact with philanthropic idealists. They have been deaf to the voice of materialism and immune to the code of consumer consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, enemies in war, in peace potential subscribers.

So assembled, the grotesque floating colonies of Garbagea, with the prime intention of coagulating all of earth’s capillaries with post-consumer castaways and viscous globs of petrochemical industry, solemnly publish and declare, that Garbageans are absolved from all allegiance to the planet and are in no certain terms obligated to conserve non-renewable resources. As an independent ever burgeoning nation, with a totalitarian will that bears no consideration for the collective, Garbagea hereby assumes full power to levy war, proliferate grievances, broadcast agendas that promote solely the interests of Garbagea, oppress free-will, dictate and impose unsustainable frameworks of subsistence on other nations and to do all other acts and things which irresponsible nations with a strong sense of entitlement may of right do. And for the support of this declaration, with a firm reliance on mankind’s inherent affinity for self destruction, we, Garbageans, mutually pledge to each other yet others’ lives, and yet other’s fortunes and our sacred honor to advance our dark dominion over global affairs.

The culture of Garbagea is reflected by the country’s plethora of undulating and static waste. Various nations have contributed in varying degrees to Garbagea’s diverse flotsam, which makes this country the true offspring of globalization and acrapmulation. Acrapmulation is a recent phenomenon. It is the byproduct of consumer acculturation and voracious accumulation. This process is defined by discrete cultures learning how to use and throw indefatigably from glocal corporate brands till nothing but crap impartially covers every square inch of planet earth. It is thanks to this process that we have been able to precipitously dilute the gene-pool of biodiversity. Every ecosystem’s sentient inventory is currently choking on yesterday’s consumer choices. Careful computations reveal that today’s consumer choices will debilitate the tense the rest of the world anxiously refers to as “the future”- a tense we Garbageans are not much concerned with, as none of us are going to get the opportunity to bask in its radiance at the present rate of deterioration.

Many species on the endangered lists today acquired their status quo on account of Garbagea’s outreach programs which assumes various cultural avatars (aside from all the industrial exploits and political manipulations):

Literature
Theatre
Music
Art
Comic Books
Public Art
Dance
Film
Stand Up Comedy
Museums & Galleries
Cultural Diversity
Department of Cultural Affairs
Festivals and Parades

If you would like to contribute to our cultural avatars, kindly email our HQ at garbageanation@gmail.com Thanks!

The United Flotsam of Garbagea

This nation has literally been pieced together by the people, for without the people this grand country may have never come to be, and what a tragic loss that would have been to the sixth mass extinction. We are a small but proud nation of bits and pieces, bottles and bags, caps and lids, containers and pads and as we float around without a care in the world we scar and suffocate all we come in contact with.

Geographical Coordinates: Our flamboyant capital, the floating city of Litterin, is located in the Pond of Poisonous Provisions, commonly known as the North Pacific Plastic Gyre which ominously looms  roughly between 135°W to 155°W and 35°N to 42°N. (Coordinates collected by Nat Geo, Source: Wikipedia)

Garbagean Map’s Scale: 1:10,000,000

Send in coordinates of the lesser known gyres, mounds, landfills, junkyards and scenic debris gardens and we at Garbagea will plug it in, because we are always eager to expand our vista and acquire new properties.

All mail to be addressed in regards to this matter should bear the subject: Garbagean Real Estate, and should be sent to garbageanation@gmail.com