Okay i know i still owe a lot of people fics but please let me do them at my own time. Like i feel that a work that i pushed out or rushed will never be as awesome as if i can do them at my own time and like willing-ness(?) But yeah don’t you worry i got a list of stuff i need to write and I will not forget about you! :D
I started this fic way way WAY back but stopped…. Not sure why….
BUT I JUST FELT THE NEED TO FINISH IT SO HERE IT IS!
It took me an entire year to start letting go.
"Saeki, It was not your fault."
Darkness consumed my every being.
"It was an accident.”
I’m not even sure what I’m supposed to do anymore. It’s like life has come to a standstill.
"Yuzuki will not rest in peace if she knows you let yourself down like this. Get a grip Takamasa. Do it for her."
But I’m finally free.
Yuzuki pass away exactly a year and a day ago. A drunk driver collided into her while she was on the way back from Long Island. I’ve been blaming myself. I should have walked her home. or I could have go given her a surprise visit. But finally, I started realizing that sometimes these things are left in the hands of fate. I truly missed her. The smell of her morning coffee to her ute sleeping face. I missed every single thing about her. To know that from that moment on, I would not be able to see her, to smell her, to touch her, to hear her, to taste her. It hurts. It hurts so bad I almost ended my life. If it wasn’t for the gang, I would not be here today.
I sat on the sofa in the living room, with the first cup of coffee I had in a year. That bitter sweet aroma brought back beautiful and wonderful memories that I used to desperately try to forget. It’s now or never. I finally re-opened the box filled with her personally belongings from her favorite book to her most unflattering yet “the most amazingly comfortable” pair of panties, as quoted from my honey herself. The one thing that stood out most, the one thing that haunted me the most, was her diary. I did’nt dare to let myself know how she truly felt. If her love was ever an illusion, I don’t want to break it. I would rather live in a world of her lies. But that itself, was a lie. I just don’t want to accept the fact that she was dead. If she were alive, she would scream at me for opening her diary. Hee…. I found myself chuckling at the thought of seeing her face once she found out that i actually read it.
It has been so long since a kept a diary… I don’t even know where to begin! Today marks the 4th year since I met Saeki. Its hard to believe 4 years have passed so quickly! It is almost unbelievable to think that I am currently happily married to the guy I started a fake relationship with. I guess that is why I started a diary, to record every single detail of our lives and make it believable. Haha, I can almost hear that little teasing voice of his, saying something along the lines of “How is it possible that our true love is not believable?” I am just so blessed to be happily married to him.
I found a smile creeping onto my face. Was it from the relief to know that we felt the same way towards each other?
Today was hilarious! We celebrated uncle’s 39th birthday. The last before he hit the big 40. He was being all upset with all the teasing the gang were spewing towards him. Yet, I could see the glint of happiness in his eyes. It is truly wonderful to be surround by so many wonderful people. Saeki got uncle his favorite brand of socks but in a much more mature pattern to celebrate his coming of age. Sometimes I think Saeki has a mind of a cheeky 7 year old. But thats what I love about him. He can be so… childish at times but with a snap of my fingers he would transform into a seductive beast waiting to eat me up… And at times during his work… His serious expression just charms me unknowingly… Ahhh I am rambling even in my own diary haha! Well I guess that is probably a good sign for me to stop. Oh! I haven’t been feeling well for the past few day and i’m going to see a doctor tomorrow. Let’s hope everything is well! Wouldn’t want doctor takamasa to make a lingering appearance again… Or do I?
I remember Doctor Takamasa. Yuzuki once worked herself sick and she made me so worried.
"Open wide~" I held the spoon with the warm porridge towards her mouth. "Saeki… You know I can still feed myself…." She tired to reach out and take the spoon away from me but I managed to pull my hand back before she grabs it. "Doctor Takamasa’s orders. Now open wide~"
In the end she knew that she could not win against me and allowed me to take care of her. She has always wanted to be independent. That silly girl. I wanted her to rely on me.
I went to the doctors today and found out that I am pregnant . A baby is growing inside of me. What should I do? Even though we have been married for 2 years we have never really discussed anything about starting a family… Honestly, I am really excited about having this child. To start a family with Saeki has always been a thing I wanted… I just wonder how he feels… I guess all I can do now is tell him and hope he reacts well…
Are you kidding me? To start a family with Yuzuki… That was dream come true. How could I react badly when the love of my life is carry our labour of love?
Ah I have some exciting news for you today! I told Saeki about the baby and turns out he was really excited about starting a family with me too! I can already tell he’s going to be the best dad ever. The way he carcasses my belly was so gently as if my belly would pop under his touch. Haha! My baby bump has not pop out yet though.. Well that should be normal considering that I am only a month in. I actually caught him doing some research on baby products. He’s so cute when he’s serious. Baby, I hope you can grow healthy and strong come out so you can meet your daddy!
I smiled to myself as I remembered that day vividly.
It was the late evening and i had just returned from work. “Honey! I’m home!” I removed my shoes and found her totally focused on making dinner. I took advantage of the situation and slipped my arms around her waist. “Ah!” She turned around in shock before we smiled to one another. “You scared me Saeki!” She pretended to hit me and I pretended to be hurt. “Ouch honey! Be gentle! You were just too cute!” I started showing her with kisses as she returned to every single one of them. When we finished, her expression suddenly turned serious. “Takamasa.. I have something to tell you.” I knew it was serious. She never used my real name unless it was something serious.
I remembered I got so excited I hugged and spun her around till she got dizzy. However it pained me too. I knew what was going to happen next. It was like playing god but with no control over what was happening. For a moment, a gush of helplessness overcame me. I place the diary on the table and drank the remaining of my coffee to calm myself. It’s alright Takamasa. Just carry on.
We told everyone at long island about my pregnancy today. Everyone was so happy for us! The guys kept on teasing Saeki about him potentially teaching wrong to our child. But I truly believed he will be the best dad ever! Oh I had the weirdest cravings for cheese today and saeki insisted for him to go get it for me. I think I am far too pampered by him. But I should let him pamper me, after all for the next 9 months I will be carrying his child! Just one more week till my first trimester! My belly finally popped! I will not be no longer to mistaken as fat! Hahah!
I felt the heat rising up to my cheeks. Did she really thought so highly of me…? I felt so honored and underserving of her love.
I flipped over to the next page and it was empty except for a single line.
I lost it… I… I can’t believe I lost it…
I knew exactly what had happened.
Today was the 1st day of Yuzuki’s second trimester and to celebrate we decided to go to this newly opened pasty cafe that opened recently. “Ahhh I can’t wait to try out their rolled cakes! What about you honey!” We were taking a short stroll from the train station to the cafe and started talking. A smile formed on her face. “Their shortcake looked so amazing! I really can’t wait…” Quickly the smile dissipated from her face and she clutched her stomach. “Honey… What’s wrong? Are you in pain?” I did’nt know what to do. My pregnant wife was standing in the middle of a pathway clutching her stomach showing signs of pain. “I’ll call an ambulance.” I held her in my arms as she held back cries of pain, wishing that I could be the one who burdens all of it.
When we got to the hospital… We found out that she has a miscarriage. It was a hard blow to both of us since we were both so excited for a family. As disappointed as I was, I could not show the emotions I felt. She took it so much harder than I did.
I feel so useless. I lost the baby.
The baby that we were both looking forward too.
Am i even worthy for him if i can’t even carry a child?
Old wounds tore open as I saw the drips of tear stains on that page. I knew she was hurting but i never knew she was hurting that badly… New tear drops fall on the paper, as i tried to hold everything back.
Despite all that i knew I had to press on. I knew that everything was better after that day.
It has been three months since that faithful day. I’d be lying if i said that it no longer hurts. Saeki has been really supportive and I am so thankful for him. At times when i just feel like giving up, he was always there to cheer me up, to comfort me. It’s like he said, “I have a ‘Yuzuki alarm’! Whenever you need me, my alarm will ring and I’ll be there.” He has and always will be there for me.
I love him with all my heart.
Hee… I remember saying that. I don’t know how but it would feel like a punch in the guts when I felt like something was wrong.
I carried on reading the diary describing every single day we spent together, helping one another, supporting one another. Out of no where a picture fell out. Hmmm? I stared long at hard at the picture and found myself smiling again. This was taken on our 5th date at the shopping district. We were both smiling so happy back then and i bet we would still be smiling as happy if we were still together.
I suddenly had this thought. What if today was my last day? What if I die tomorrow? Oh man… Saeki would be so pissed if he found out that I was thinking about stuff like that. But truthfully… if I were to die tomorrow, i would not have any regrets. To be able to life such an amazing life and to be able to experience this sort of true love… I have no regrets. Ah.. But if I just died, I know Saeki would never live on… I guess my only regret will be that I had let him go. That’s such a terrible thought. I’ll live a lonmbered and fruitful life with Saeki! I just know it!
And that was the last entry.
I did’nt know what or how to feel.
Gently, I packed all her belongings back into her box.
The beautiful setting sunlight shone into the room and I remembered how she taught me how to love the beautiful sunset.
Don’t worry honey.
I’m letting go of life here soon.
Wait for me.
I ACTUALLY HAD 3 MORE DIARY ENTRIES PLANNED BUT I GOT LAZY OH WELL.
Hope you liked it!
Click [here] for my fanfic masterpost!