I’m acutely aware that there are many many people in this world who are doing it tougher than me.
Homelessness, war zones, natural disasters, systemic poverty, health epidemics and violence…. the list goes on.
But it still doesn’t make it easier to face losing your love and your future.
All I can think is how can it be possible
that I can do my job, live a full life, laugh and be happy when he isn’t here? I am just constantly hit with the fact that he isn’t here, he isn’t here, he isn’t here. And each time I always have the fleeting thought… I wish it had been me instead. I wish he was still here instead of me.
My counselor has said I need to squash those thoughts when they arise so they don’t pull me into a depressive spiral and I’m better at that now, but that doesn’t stop the thoughts entering in the first place. I wish we could trade places. He was just so perfect. It should have been me :(