So, for the longest time, my life and emotions and feelings and all that stuff were perfectly encompassed by this photo.
This isn’t the time or place to go into my personal relationships with people because that’s something I’d like to keep to myself for the time being, but something that I feel is worth talking about is finally reaching a point where I feel like I can move on with my life.
When you give so much of yourself to someone, not in a committed relationship type of way (because that was definitely not what was going on), but in an emotional and dedicated type of way, it is hard to move away from that so quickly. At least, for me it is.
Earlier this week, I was thinking of writing about my confusion over how differently two people can get over the same situation. How a person can walk away seeming unhurt and with all the ease in the world, while the other struggles to look them in the eyes without spilling a few tears. Sure, that’s a little exaggerated, but to be completely honest, that’s what it feels like. It’s strange to fathom how someone can go from being your world, the person you talk to daily without fail, who always makes you laugh, who gives you the warmest hugs and who you’ve… well actually let’s not get too graphic here, but you get the picture. How that same person can just stop talking to you, still being polite of course, but essentially, not caring anymore.
And yeah, that hurt. Feeling like you no longer had any importance whatsoever was bad, yes, but you want to know what was worse? Seeing your importance, the way that they looked at you and talked with you, being directed towards someone else. That one stung because you couldn’t un-see it. And that’s where I was. For the longest time, that limbo was what enveloped me. And then, something changed.
I can’t tell you what it was. I most definitely didn’t have a sudden epiphany or an intervention or anything like that, but for some reason, I just stopped caring. I stopped caring and I stopped hurting and my attention shifted to something better.
Whether it was the fact that I’ve found distractions or better things to think about, or that my mind and my heart finally clicked and got on the same page about what would be good for me, I have now been having the best, most empowering days in a really long time.
And my friend asked me the other day if I had “relapsed” because I had spent some time with the person I’m writing this about, and my answer was clear. No. Absolutely not. I felt better knowing I could work around the damn feelings that controlled me for so long and that said person could slowly start being irrelevant. That I wanted that person to start being irrelevant. For the time being anyways, because its just not worth it right now. Not until they figure their shit out and get their priorities straight.
And I hope he knows that. Because that would be a personal selfish triumph.
Am I bitter? A bit.
Am I sad? Oh yes.
Do I care as much? Nope.
So yeah, maybe I won’t ever get over it because he was a super important part of my life and that just can’t be erased, but life does go on and there are other things (and maybe even people) that will fill that void. I’m just not worried about it anymore. And that… that’s liberating.