fionn-mac-cumhaill

The Giant’s Causeway is an area of about 40,000 interlocking basalt columns, the result of an ancient volcanic eruption.
According to legend, the columns are the remains of a causeway built by the Irish giant Fionn mac Cumhaill (Finn MacCool) who was challenged to a fight by the Scottish giant Benandonner. Fionn accepted the challenge and built the causeway across the North Channel so that the two giants could meet.

IRISH HEROES ARE UNPRONOUNCEABLE

IRISH MYTHOLOGY IS MOSTLY LESS FUCKED UP THAN GREEK MYTHOLOGY, BUT IT’S STILL PRETTY FUCKING WEIRD.

THE MOST NOTABLE IRISH HERO IS FIONN MAC CUMHAILL, AND WHO THE FUCK KNOWS HOW TO PRONOUNCE THAT? FUCKING NOBODY, THAT’S WHO. 

FIONN’S FATHER IS A DICK WHO MANAGED TO GET HIMSELF EXILED, SO FIONN’S STUCK OUT IN THE WILDS OF IRELAND, WHERE THEY HAVE NOTHING BUT ALCOHOL AND MONSTERS. IT’S A FUCKING ROUGH LIFE FOR A KID.

HE’S RAISED IN THE MAGIC FOREST, AND ONE DAY HE MEETS A LEPRECHAUN CALLED FINNECHAS. FOR SOME REASON HE DECIDES TO TRUST THE LEPRECHAUN, WHO TELLS HIM TO FUCK OFF AND CATCH THE MAGIC SALMON OF KNOWLEDGE. FIONN DOESN’T QUESTION WHY THE MAGIC MIDGET IN THE FOREST WANTS HIM TO CATCH A MAGIC FISH, AND GOES OFF TO DEAL WITH IT. FIONN CATCHES THE MAGIC FISH AND COOKS IT, INTENDING TO GIVE IT TO FINNECHAS, WHO HAS BEEN TRYING TO CATCH THE SLIMY FUCKER FOR SEVEN YEARS. WHOEVER EATS THE MAGIC FISH WILL GET ALL THE KNOWLEDGE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD. 

FIONN BURNS HIS HAND TRYING TO COOK THE FISH, AND STICKS HIS THUMB IN HIS MOUTH TO TRY TO STOP HURTING. FORTUNATELY FOR HIM, HE HAS A BIT OF FISH ON HIS HAND, SO ACCIDENTALLY EATS PART OF THE MAGIC FISH, GIVING HIM AN ENORMOUS AMOUNT OF KNOWLEDGE. BUT ONLY WHEN HE SUCKS HIS THUMB. 

HE’S THE GREATEST HERO IN IRELAND, AND HE CAN SOLVE ALL HIS PROBLEMS BY SUCKING HIS FUCKING THUMB. WHAT THE FUCK.

Fionn mac Cumhaill  - Irish Legend

Fionn mac Cumhaill, aka Finn McCool, is one of the most famous figures of Irish mythology and the central character of the Fenian Cycle. He was the leader of the mythical group of warriors known as the Fianna, and according to some traditions, was a giant. Fionn was able to connect to infinite wisdom by sucking his thumb, an ability he gained as a boy by burning himself while cooking a magical salmon and sticking his hurt finger into his mouth.

Reference

Notes:

Finn McCool was requested by issafly.

If you have a request, feel free to drop it in my Ask Box.

The Pursuit of Diarmuid and Gráinne

The story begins with the aging Fionn, leader of the warrior band the Fianna, grieving over the death of his wife Maigneis. His men find that Gráinne, the daughter of High King Cormac mac Airt, is the worthiest of all women and arrangements are made for their wedding. At their betrothal feast, however, Gráinne is distressed that Fionn is older than her father, and becomes enamored with Fionn’s handsome warrior Diarmuid. She slips a sleeping potion to the rest of the guests and encourages Diarmuid to run away with her. He refuses at first out of loyalty to Fionn, but relents when she threatens him with a geis forcing him to comply. They hide in a forest across the River Shannon, and Fionn immediately pursues them. They evade him several times with the help of other Fianna members and Aengus Óg, Diarmuid’s foster father, who conceals Gráinne in his cloak of invisibility while Diarmuid leaps over the pursuers’ heads.

After many other adventures, Diarmuid’s foster father Aengus negotiates peace with Fionn. The lovers settle in Keshcorran, County Sligo where they have five children; in some versions, Fionn marries Gráinne’s sister. Eventually Fionn organizes a boar hunt near Benbulbin and Diarmuid joins, in spite of a prediction that he will be killed by a boar. Indeed, the creature wounds him mortally as he deals it a fatal blow. Fionn has the power to heal his dying comrade by simply letting him drink water from his hands, but he lets the water slip through his fingers twice. Finally Fionn’s grandson Oscar threatens him with violence if he does not help Diarmuid, but when he returns from the well on the third attempt it is too late. Diarmuid has died.

Versions differ as to Gráinne’s subsequent actions. In some Aengus takes Diarmuid’s body to his home at Brú na Bóinne. In some Gráinne swears her children to avenge their father’s death upon Fionn, while in others she grieves until she dies herself. In some she is reconciled with Fionn, and negotiates peace between him and her sons; or goes so far as to marry Fionn at last.

§ Illustration: Grainne & Diarmuid by Brendan Boyle

FIONN FUCKS A DEER

ONE DAY, A DRUID CALLED FEAR DOIRICH (THE MOST EVIL NAME POSSIBLE) ASKS A WOMAN CALLED SADHBH (ONCE AGAIN, FUCKING UNPRONOUNCEABLE) TO MARRY HIM. SHE SAYS NO, BECAUSE HE’S A CREEPY MOTHERFUCKER AND OBVIOUSLY EVIL, SO HE TURNS HER INTO A DEER. WHAT A FUCKING DICK.

SOME TIME LATER, FIONN GOES OUT HUNTING WITH HIS MAGIC DOGS THAT USED TO BE PEOPLE, AND SPOTS SADHBH THE MAGIC DEER. INSTEAD OF SHOOTING HER, HE’S AMAZED BY JUST HOW FUCKING HOT THAT DEER IS, AND TAKES HER HOME WITH HIM. DIRTY BASTARD.

AS SOON AS SHE STEPS OVER THE BOUNDARY INTO HIS LAND, SHE TURNS BACK INTO A PERSON, SO HE FUCKS HER. OF COURSE, EVERY TIME SHE LEAVES HIS LAND SHE TURNS BACK INTO A DEER, SO SHE’S TRAPPED IN HIS HOUSE, UNABLE TO LEAVE. SHE’S  BASICALLY HIS SEX SLAVE. EVERYONE IN IRELAND IS A DICK.