I am still haunted by the ghosts
From all the war torn fields
Where we fought with our hearts,
Skewered on sharpened bayonets,
Making ultimatums out of bone,
And refusing to leave our trenches.

Now they hang like bats in the belfry,
Specters of memories and teacups,
Chattering, clattering in my mind,
Reminding me of all I have lost
In the grievous, selfish pursuit
Of my own righteousness.

—  am kennedy, “Taunts, Haunts, and Other Memories”

Even though I broke
myself again don’t
you dare think that
this is the end.

I have fixed myself
every goddamn time
and I will do it again
until my hands can
no longer stitch my
broken skin back
—  You will see me become better.
We are soul mates, kindred spirits,
on a deep, fundamental level I believe
we were made for each other.
Who cares if we make
each other mad occasionally.
The universe planned our existence.
That has to count for something.
—  Beau Taplin || K i n d r e d   S p i r i t s

Maybe life is bad right now. But it wasn’t always this way. Oh god no, there were lovely memories. There were days when I was happy. When I laughed, and smiled, and sang, and skipped, and hugged, and held hands, when I felt everything, and meant it all. There were days when my mind was carefree and my hands weren’t tainted and my shirts were sleeveless.

And I am not there right now, I am farther back than I want to be. But I will be there again. I know there will be tastes of happiness again and I will be using my shovel to plant flowers instead of digging my grave. Don’t you dare underestimate my strength. I will get there again, and you will see my scars painted in gold.

—  I have fixed myself every time. I will do it over and over again.

08.22.14. Julie. Silverlake.

A photograph of us fighting.

I get asked a lot about fighting in relationships, and relationship expectations. Although from the vantage point of the internet it may seam that Julie and I never fight, that somehow we are immune, let me assure you we are not; its just not very photographable. All couples fight about different things. Money, the opposite sex, control, insecurities masked as a judgement on a third party. Fights are where we all display, find, and celebrate the worse parts of ourselves. We’ve all been in the wrong and fought harder and louder to get your partner to back down. We’ve all let our insecurities push us to attack the ones we love for fear that we may lose their love; cause deep down love makes us scared children sometimes. We’ve all, for no good reason, not come home with our customary kindness that our relationships started with. We all get lazy. But I think there is value in fighting. There is an honesty that comes out of breaking the stale silence of failed communication. Honesty is the true value of fighting. Inevitably we all have a hard time being truly honest and open with each other. It starts small, you asked your partner to pick up their stuff and the didn’t, you ask again, and they don’t, then you let it go; and thats how it starts. You weren’t honest and you held it in. We’ve all done that cause its easier. There’s not always time to have that talk, that argument or that fight; but you will eventually. I’ve been in several relationships, mostly longer ones, and one for about 10 years; and all of them taught me different things. Through it all, Ive learned for myself, that honesty is the most important part. I don’t care if a woman can cook, or clean, but I can’t be without openness and honesty. Julie and I do our best to live by this. We talk about everything as much as we can so those small unspoken fights, those unspoken resentments, don’t become a wall that we are both living on opposite sides of; but we don’t always succeed. We fuck up. We fight. Some times I’m the asshole and sometimes she plays that role; but for us its all worth it when it comes back to an honest account of why did we just fight. Im can be a hard person to date from the stand point that I know exactly what I want, and Im stubborn, and I think too much; and unfortunately, Julie is 100% the same way. We are two A types, and virtually the same person, so rather than a yin and yang, we often find ourselves more like two lions sitting in the same cage thrilled by the presence of an equal, but equally willing to find out whose got the larger balls; its me (ssssshhhh don’t tell her!). But for us, thats what we need. I couldn’t date someone that couldn’t stand shoulder to shoulder with me throughout my life. Ive always loved Julie’s strength and to know that if I ever fell she’d be there to pick me up, is what I need from my relationship. So we may walk through door ways at exactly the same time and block each other. We may at times spend a day not talking, each trying to prove our own point, oblivious to the other’s point. We may both think we are really the one in charge. But ultimately, thats both what we need. We love each other. We trust each other enough to be honest with each other and we were both fortunate enough to find a person that will be 100% honest back. People mistake the true fear of honesty as its hard to tell the truth; but thats not it, its only hard to tell the truth because when told the truth its hard to not react badly. Once you can hear the truth and not react badly, telling the truth is easy. So let me say here and now, there are no perfect relationships no matter how they may look from the outside; but, there are the relationships that are worth working for, fighting for and push you to never get lazy and always be a better partner. When you find that, hold on to it. Fight for the relationship, not against your partnered. Be wrong. Be flawed. But let yourself be honest and let your self be loved and love your partner in return. Julie I love you, and I know that in this fight, you were right; I’m sorry.