who u should fight - the uk party leaders edition

1) Nigel farage - please fight him. please make him stop. u will probably win and he will probably cry and shout racist abuse at u. keep going. end this.

2) david cameron - you could probably take him, but he MIGHT become a lizard and he WILL fight dirty. if he wins he will boast about how this was all part of his long term economic plan and if he loses he will blame Tony Blair. fight him.

3) nick clegg - u will win but it will be a hollow victory. he is so tired. however, it might make u feel better about ur crippling student debt and dismantled welfare state, so go ahead.

4) ed milliband - why would u want to????? why would u ? you might win but pls don’t??

5) nicola sturgeon - DO NOT. u will LOSE and LOSE BADLY.

6) Natalie Bennett - you’ll win but you’ll also lose. like, morally.

7) Leanne wood - will fight you like she’s fighting the physical incarnation of poverty. she will not tire. but when she’s won she would take you to the side and talk about why you felt the need to fight in her wonderful voice, bandage ur wounds and kiss ur forehead.

Which Marble Hornets character should you fight
  • Jay:He's pretty scrappy, but he's still a total dweeb. Plus look at what getting punched in the face did for his character, imagine what actually getting his ass kicked would do for him. Do it. Fight Jay.
  • Alex:He's a tricky one, because he may have the highest body count in the series and be prone to fighting dirty, but he'd probably lose in a fair fight. If you can get him monologing, you might be able to get the jump on him. And above all else, he completely deserves it. Kick Alex Kralie's ass. Do it for all of us.
  • Tim:He's the strongest physically of the main cast and he's been dealing with the Operator's shit for the longest. He stabbed a dude to death with a Swiss Army Knife, while being strangled. DO. NOT. FIGHT. TIM.
  • Jessica:The second-most competent character in the series and the true heroine, for kicking Alex in the nuts if nothing else. She's pretty likely to kick your ass. Don't fight Jessica.
  • Brian:why
  • Masky:Tim in Masky mode is less of a sure thing than Tim, because his only mode of attack is to tackle fucking everything, but it's still pretty risky. At least he won't kill you if he wins, but don't fight Masky.
  • Hoodie:I will personally bake you a tray of chocolate chip cookies if you kick Hoodie's ass.
  • The Operator:If you need this list to tell you not to fight the fucking Operator, you're clearly beyond help so you might as well just go for it.
The Signs as Dirty Fight Moves

Aries -  Acts terrified, curls into a ball, then rolls into their opponent like an armadillo.

Taurus - Points at nothing, then punches opponent while they’re distracted.  Yanks out a fistful of their hair as a trophy.

Gemini - Backhands their opponent, waits for them to recover, and does it again.

Cancer - Ties their opponents shoelaces together on the sly, insults them, and runs.

Leo - Hits them in the throat, then goes back to what they were doing.

Virgo - Lets out a terrifying shriek and launches at them like a beserker.

Libra - Throws dirt in their opponent’s face.  If they are not outside, has a pocket full of dirt prepared.

Scorpio - Establishes a connection with someone else in the bar early on, buys them a drink, then uses them to help win the fight.  Throws a bottle if the plan backfires.

Sagittarius - Jerseys their opponent and watches them fall over.

Capricorn - Bites.  A lot.  Just bites everything.  Gnashes their teeth furiously, endlessly.

Aquarius - Clings to their back like a howler monkey and yanks their nostrils.

Pisces - Gets a free drink and doesn’t help.


If you ever hear one 25 Ta Life song throughout your entire time on this planet, please just make sure it’s this one.



I’ve mentioned this fight before, but I thought I’d post it. It’s long, but easily one of the best “gimmick” fights of all time.
There’s no subs, but all you need to know is that Gordon Liu has been invited to a wine tasting by Wang Lung Wei (the dude with the mustache) but Wang Lung Wei actually intends on killing him.
There’s just something I love about a covert fights; where two people are fighting but pretend they’re not. And this is the perfect example of that.

Rule 28

If someone attacks you, don’t be afraid to fight dirty. For God’s sake, if it’s you or them, do everything in your power to make sure it’s them! Never underestimate the power of a good, surprise head butt or hitting someone where the sun don’t shine. Honestly, claw, scratch, bite, just do whatever it takes to get away. Furthermore, if the opportunity presents itself, tear their goddamn throat out with your teeth. The jaw is the strongest muscle in the human body, so stop using it to beg for mercy (because it ain’t gonna work) and start using it to do some damage.

Note: if you’re attacked in the home, get creative with fighting back. Many household implements can be used to successfully incapacitate an attacker. For example, you can use vinegar to temporarily blind them, or you can use bleach to probably permanently blind them. You can burn them with a curling iron or…the list goes on and on. My point is that almost anything can be a weapon, so don’t be afraid to think outside the box. You never know, creativity just might save your life.

Stay safe out there, folks!