“Rejecting femininity is seen as a cool and radical thing to do. Femme-ness is consequently labeled conformist and unimportant. According to this logic, femmes are eye candy, but we don’t really have anything interesting to say. In case there was any doubt about this, let me clarify: just because I wear makeup and heels does not mean I’m brainless, unaware of my actions, and unwittingly conforming to patriarchal expectations. I have not failed to deconstruct my internalized whatever-the-fuck. I am not waiting for you, oh great masculine-of-center queer person to save me by showing me the error of my ways.”
It’s totally okay to only like girls with short hair. As a femme married to a biker butch (who’s also a gourmet cook and amazing knitter, so fuck the idea that gender roles define every aspect of your life), I don’t agree that butch-femme relationships inherently “glorify the patriarchy” any more than femme-femme or, for that matter, dude-lady relationships. If there’s no assumption that the more masculine partner is more capable, more intelligent, or should have more power within the couple, then a romance where one person is feminine and the other masculine—regardless of their genders—is in no way politically regressive. There’s also no reason to assume that a “real” lesbian would be attracted to every woman in the world regardless of gender presentation, appearance, or personality. Jesus, that would be exhausting.
Still, though your Butches-Only predilections are totally valid and nothing to be ashamed of, it’s probably worth examining the reasons behind them. Western society, including the queer community, tends to overvalue masculinity and devalue femininity, and our sexual preferences are informed by the culture that surrounds us. If there’s a part of you that believes femmes are somehow less valuable than butches and that’s why you’re not interested in seeing them naked, you need to break that shit down. You might start by seeking friendships with other femmes (if you don’t already have any) and un-learning the cultural conditioning that femininity is weak or embarrassing or whatever other shit dudes try to distance themselves from by buying “manly” black loofahs. You can also, while you’re at it work toward dismantling the idea, still sadly prevalent in many queer spaces, that all the femmes are in competition for all the butches and vice versa—an idea that precludes real, deep community connections by casting everyone as either a rival or a sex object. So gross, yet so easy to stumble into.”
Tobi addresses the similarities between transmisogyny and femmephobia from her perspective as a butch trans woman, and explains the mutual ally relationship that she has formed with the cis femme women in her life.
Please check your own privileges at the door: Sometimes we don’t have to look too far to find the people who persecute members of the LGBTQ+ Community(s). Be honest. How many of these have you used? And how many of these have been used against you?
lmao the reason why bronies don't want to "come out" to their parents is because their parents will think that's their way of telling them that they're gay. go ahead, "come out" to your parents as a brony and get a mild dosage of the homophobia YOU dish out to actual gay people on a daily basis by disrespecting them with this "coming out of the stable" bullshit.
This is real life for so may kids, especially Black southerners. I saw a few comments here and there after Empire showed a flashback of Jamal at 6 or 7 being put into a trashcan for being feminine and some people thought it was an exaggeration. That actually happened to Lee Daniels and that’s why he wrote the scene. This is still happening to a lot of little boys, and whether they’re gay or not, we try to make children live by these antiquated notions of what gender is and how you should behave based on what you pee out of. I hope that little boy is finding love and support elsewhere and I hope he’s too young to really have this make a lasting impact on his life. I was 9 or 10 when I got my last “sissy beating” from my mom and I still think about it.
I am so bored by femme identity being cast as “less queer”, not radical, consumerist, capitalism-aligned, white supremacist, gender binary enforcing, ableist and passé. still bored by analyses of femmeness that cedes my identity over to systems of domination we are all working to erase from our politics, from our very bodies. Femmeness inherently rejects this squashing, this narrowing when draped over fat, brown, trans, cash-poor, sick, or disabled bodies. Femme is infinite possibilities.
Someone told me that no one will take me seriously as non-binary if I don't start dressing like it. I tend to dress more femininely, but I go by they/them pronouns. Should I start dressing more gender neutral?
I’m gonna be real, reading this ask made me tear up a little bit. Absolutely not, my little femme. Don’t do anything for anyone else. If you like being femme, rock your femininity. You’re perfect and nonbinary and femme. Nothing about that makes you invalid. Also, our social construction of androgyny/gender neutrality is very very masculine. Femininity is seen as something people do, while masculinity is seen as something people are. Femininity is seen as work, as above-and-beyond, as additions, while masculinity is seen as regular, as normal, as neutral. That’s femmephobic and fucked up and don’t you dare let it get to you, baby femme. I love you just as you are.
Even if your femme-hate is directed toward a male-identified person, you are saying that femininity is unacceptable and shameful. That doing something traditionally associated with women should make a person a target of hate. That is misogyny. Always.
Russell Tovey thanks his dad for not allowing him down the effeminate path.
I knew my aversion to Russell Tovey was warranted. Y'all think I’m judgmental, but really, I’m just perceptive and I can smell the bullshit even through a TV screen. Check out this cute little passage from Russell Tovey’s interview with The Guardian:
“I feel like I could have been really effeminate, if I hadn’t gone to the school I went to. Where I felt like I had to toughen up. If I’d have been able to relax, prance around, sing in the street, I might be a different person now. I thank my dad for that, for not allowing me to go down that path. Because it’s probably given me the unique quality that people think I have.”
Dammit, Dad! Why didn’t you make me more manly?!
Oh wait, you forced me to play baseball when I didn’t want to. You forced me to play football when I didn’t want to. You forced me to go on construction jobsites with you when I didn’t want to. You forced me to play with those terrible, bad-ass boys in the neighborhood (and get beaten up all the time) when I didn’t want to.
Maybe I was just meant to be a sissy and there was nothing my dad could have done about it and maybe Russell Tovey is a dick who pats his dad on the back for “making” him Grindr Masc.