I try so hard to be a great friend to everyone I let into my life, yet I’ve been hurt and betrayed so many times by those I have considered to be my friend. Sometimes I doubt myself and wonder why I try so hard to keep people who are emotionally abusive and neglectful of my needs. It hurts deeply to care so much and get nothing in return. It makes me feel insignificant and invisible, like I don’t matter. I don’t know how to be a friend and not give all of myself in the process. Maybe I’m a masochist and I seek these people out. Maybe I’m stupid for thinking that I deserve someone in my life who is as giving and caring as I try to be. I’m trying to be more cautious and careful about who I let in. I have very few people in my life now and I live in constant fear of their rejection and my own feelings of crushing, overwhelming loneliness. People in my past, both friends as well as lovers, have openly admitted to me that they used me because I was nice and gave them what they wanted. I don’t know who to trust. I don’t know how to be the person everybody needs me to be and not feel lost and abandoned when I need support and i’m scared to ask. I don’t even know who to ask. Everyone else has so many things going on, who am I to burden them with my issues? So I shove it back down into that box in my mind, the one where all the pain, anger, frustration, disappointment, and immense sadness always end up. Tape it up good, and shove it into a nice dark corner in my mind where it hopefully is forgotten about for a while. I plaster that fake, everything-in-my-life-is-just-fucking-peachy smile on my face, and continue being the best friend I can be because that’s just who I am and what I do. I’d like to think my issues could be solved with an hug and some kind words, but I think this is way beyond pleasantries and an occasional pat on the back.