Do you ever go so long without human contact that you just sit in a pitiful ball on your bed like SOMEONE CUDDLE ME and then you feel the loneliness slowly crush you but then you still reject anyone who wants to cuddle with you

I just want to thank everyone involved in Sherlock for creating a show that filled a gap I didn’t even realize I had in my life. I love the speculating, looking for connections and hidden meanings in scenes. It’s one thing I really loved about Harry Potter, and once that was over I didn’t have anything like that. I love that I’ve made friends on the internet and in the real world based on a mutual love for this show. I love that I can recommend it to my current friends, and they thank me for introducing it to them (and then they go on and share it with their friends - it’s as contagious as the common cold). I found Sherlock around the time I moved to a new city to start a job after college. I didn’t know anyone, I was so far from home, and I would sit alone in my basement apartment and feel overwhelmingly crushed by my loneliness. I immersed myself in the fandom: tumblr, fanfiction, reading the original ACD stories. Sherlock was there for me when I needed a friend, and two years later, it cheers me up when I’m feeling down. Thank you to all who work on the show; your love for Sherlock is so clear in every carefully crafted scene. I feel your love for the show; I hope you can feel mine as well.

clockworkpearlgirllove said:

Michael Reed, Kazooland, Marshmallow? ^v^

Michael Reed: How many stuffed animals do you have?: like a bajillion

Kazooland: Where would you like to travel to?: idk actually. i have a lot of anxiety related to travel but. can i be cheesy and say “to visit all my friends”? if not than Europe. because i could go see cat and eritha and earthdeep. and go to disneyland paris

Marshmallow: What do you do on a lazy day?: feel soul crushing loneliness because im too insecure to reach out to my friends 99% of the time and sleep a lot

I’m not even in bed yet lmao idek why I’m having these, like, spirit-crushing feelings of loneliness

but i don’t even want company right now. Like, I’m feeling so broodish that I don’t want to do anything right now but bitch about myself. Any other kind of conversation would just piss me off, and I’m mad at myself for that.

I try so hard to be a great friend to everyone I let into my life, yet I’ve been hurt and betrayed so many times by those I have considered to be my friend. Sometimes I doubt myself and wonder why I try so hard to keep people who are emotionally abusive and neglectful of my needs. It hurts deeply to care so much and get nothing in return. It makes me feel insignificant and invisible, like I don’t matter. I don’t know how to be a friend and not give all of myself in the process. Maybe I’m a masochist and I seek these people out. Maybe I’m stupid for thinking that I deserve someone in my life who is as giving and caring as I try to be. I’m trying to be more cautious and careful about who I let in. I have very few people in my life now and I live in constant fear of their rejection and my own feelings of crushing, overwhelming loneliness. People in my past, both friends as well as lovers, have openly admitted to me that they used me because I was nice and gave them what they wanted. I don’t know who to trust. I don’t know how to be the person everybody needs me to be and not feel lost and abandoned when I need support and i’m scared to ask. I don’t even know who to ask. Everyone else has so many things going on, who am I to burden them with my issues? So I shove it back down into that box in my mind, the one where all the pain, anger, frustration, disappointment, and immense sadness always end up. Tape it up good, and shove it into a nice dark corner in my mind where it hopefully is forgotten about for a while. I plaster that fake, everything-in-my-life-is-just-fucking-peachy smile on my face, and continue being the best friend I can be because that’s just who I am and what I do. I’d like to think my issues could be solved with an hug and some kind words, but I think this is way beyond pleasantries and an occasional pat on the back. 

I hate going out to eat with couples. No one wants to be the fifth wheel Everything is a little sad right now. This is just what I do now I guess. I try to pretend to be happy for people all day and then I come home and be myself. Bleakness. Nothing sounds fun right now, I know what I want but it’s not my choice whether I can have it. Also I think my new cat ran away becuase my sister left the door open.

I think it’s been long enough now that I’m pretty sure just acting happy isn’t going to be enough to make me happy. I don’t feel any different when I pretend to be happy all day. It’s just draining. Still feel crushing loneliness but I’m done writing about those feelings for a while. It’s just that they dominate my mind and it’s impossible to keep them away when I’m around other couples.

I just need to maintain patience. It’s hard. But if I stay persistent I’ll eventually hit a tipping point where my good choices will overshadow the bad and I will be one step closer to happiness. I don’t want to make the journey alone but I have no options. It would be unfair to ask someone to have to suffer as well though just so I can feel more fulfilled.