All I wanna do is write and create magical things with my words. I love law and I’m definitely in it 100% but I think I’m going to become an English major along with Arabic in my arts degree. International relations is interesting but I don’t love it. I miss my lit class from last year so much, even all the extra reading and endless essays. I didn’t realise until now I don’t have it how much I need to be creative and imaginative and lose myself in words. I don’t particularly care if it’s less practical than IR, because with law and Arabic I’m overdosed on practicality. I need something to feed my soul and if I don’t do something I love now, what hope is there for me down the road?
Killing CRUSH. Hitting all my macros perfectly (I upped the recommended amount of carbs and lowered protein because I really don’t need 200+ grams a day, and higher carbs work much better with my body - that said, I’m still getting in ~2 grams of protein per kilo of body weight a day), and putting everything into my training. I’m even doing all the cardio guys. This shit is cray cray.
Along those lines, I really love myself right now. It kind of just hit me. I feel amazing inside out. I want to continue to improve myself both mentally and physically, as I will for the rest of my life, but because I love myself, not because I hate myself. I’m doing CRUSH for strength and hypertrophy (essentially to look as badass as I feel) because I love myself. I eat well and buy good food because I love myself. I work hard at uni and simultaneously don’t beat myself up over it because I love myself. It’s still hard for me to pinpoint exactly who I am and what I want, but maybe I don’t need to. I just need to believe I’m worth all the effort I put into myself.
My boyfriend is a fucking cutie (and I know you’re reading this Dan) and I miss him. But he comes back tomorrow night and I am ridiculously excited. I love all my friends at uni but he’s the only person I’m completely comfortable around. However that is probably because he’s also the only person I know who eats as much as I do. (also sweetheart this is a good time to let you know that I expect you to take me on a date in May to go and see Pitch Perfect 2 because I’m so excited that I watched the trailer three times last night)
It’s been nearly two years since I was raped/coerced/emotionally blackmailed into sex/whatever the fuck you want to call it. Sexual assault was brought up in conversation the other day and I didn’t have a panic attack or want to throw up. I think it’s a thing of the past now guys, and I am so freaking proud of myself. To all you survivors out there, it does get better. I love you all.
I am a…little?…stressed about uni work but not really, y’know? Like, I’m confident in my ability to do it and do well, but I have a lot in the next couple of weeks and that’s never pleasant. But I love learning so much, and I always remind myself how privileged I am to be where I am, that it’s not really that much of a chore. The challenge of the work is really exciting and I can see a path for where it will take me and I love that.
I had this moment of clarity last night where, for the first time, I knew exactly what my dream life would look like in terms of work. I’ve never really had a specific thing to set my heart on before, but I had this vision of me working in law or policy development by day and writing by night. I haven’t done enough of my law degree to know what specific area but it’s a stepping stone. Maybe combined with my language skills something along the lines of immigration law or policy development in the middle east. Who knows. But it’s exciting to have something - even something vague - to visualise at the end of this.
I need to go and write an IR essay now. But I needed to do this first. My thoughts are very bad at controlling themselves inside my head, and sometimes I just need to order them before I can do life. Later guys. xxx